Unpleasant Experience

Years ago I had this pathetic experience at work....

I was working in Johnson & Johnson, a company I had wanted to get into for many years, and had this male boss who put me down, snapped at me, made me feel useless almost every day. Some days, when he was in a better mood, he'd be nicer to me, but most days he was very mean and nasty.

I remember trying very hard to please him, making my analysis as detailed as possible, trying to establish better relationships with my clients, thinking of new promotions to launch in my accounts, helping him deal with stuff he didn't want to deal with. I did everything within my capacity, hoping that one day he'd change the way he treated me and start to show appreciation for my work. Didn't happen. Each day I cried before going to work, while hoping that I wouldn't get yelled at that day. Each day I felt so pathetic, still holding on to the job when my boss clearly didn't like me and clearly wasn't going to change. I even tried to talk to him nicely about it, but he ended up blaming me instead for not being good enough. I needed and wanted the job, so I stayed despite all that crap I was getting.

After two and a half years, I left the company without any regrets.

That experience still bothers me sometimes, remembering how I was like a victim. If you know me, I'm no victim. It really felt horrible knowing I was doing my very best and still wasn't appreciated, and was even blamed for his emotional outbursts. Looking back, I wish I hadn't cared so much about the job and how he saw me as a staff, so I wouldn't have had to appear so helpless, vulnerable and desperate.

This is something I want to remind myself of: If I am already doing my absolute best with little room to improve, yet am not receiving the appreciation I deserve, when the time comes, gracefully walk away. No crying, no begging, no blaming myself.

Happiness

Came back to Asia last Sunday and now I am in Laos for work already, next stop will be Singapore.

Oh I had a wonderful trip! I never knew I could feel so good on a trip taking the backseat and doing things not that unfamiliar to me, instead of exploring new adventures. What I am trying to say is, I had a lovely time letting him show me around his hometown (and letting him meet my best friend and brother), getting to know his family and friends, getting a feel of what his life was like back in New York. In a way, it was an exploration trip, finding out more about him and being surprised by all the simple pleasures. I wish I could stop time so that we stay happily in love and won't hurt each other again.

You know, we all say that we just want to be happy. We often forget that happiness takes a lot of conscious effort for it to happen - it doesn't just happen. Especially for those of us who live a hectic life, with endless stress from work, and countless number of friends and acquaintances fighting for our attention, it does take a lot of effort to not let all these complicate our lives and overwhelm us. I think most of us live in a world where we overstate the importance of getting as many things done as possible, having as many friends as possible, pleasing as many people as we can..... In the end we lose what's most important to us because, whatever that is, it failed to get the attention and focus that it needed. Call me cynical, I do believe that big cities corrupt the mind. Often times we end up with a lot of everything but not the most important thing, leaving us lost and miserable.

I wish for myself and everyone I care about continuous effort to simplify life and self-reminder to cherish the things/people we value most in our lives.

The Big Apple

Yep, here I am in NYC. The trip did happen afterall - otherwise I would be writing from Italy, Morocco or India right now, someplace crazy.

It feels strangely nice here, reminds me a lot of life back in Toronto - except in Toronto we pretty much only have uptown Toronto Chinese neighborhood, uptown Toronto non-Chinese neighborhood, cool Yonge & Eglington area which is like East side in NYC, downtown Toronto... and of course our city is more modern without the super quaint and old neighborhoods and architecture I see in NYC which are super cool.

I've already been to tons of places in past 3 days, after plenty of walking. Today we'll be heading to MoMA and Mamma Mia show, then meeting up with Kevin's brother for drink / dinner. Would be awesome if we could also do a picnic in Central Park (sky is clearing up now after a lot of rain last night), but let's see.

I don't miss North America much because it just feels like home, but I do enjoy it when I'm there. When we were walking around charming neighborhoods, I couldn't help but think how lovely it'd be to stay in those old houses, with repainted facades, sweet little balconies. In fact, it wasn't a new idea I had, I had thought of this 10 years ago watching You've Got Mail.

It feels very nostalgic to be back in N America, remembering life back then, and things that have shaped me in the past 8 years or so in Asia. I have also been thinking a lot about Now What? in the past few days. I really have no idea and it has been bothering me. However, I just realized that I've only been stressing myself out because now I have options and it's a matter of not knowing how to choose. When I mentioned that 10 years ago I had wished I could move into a flat like that, I realized that 10 years ago it had been a dream - now it's different because if I want it bad enough I could do it.

In a way it's a relief to know that there's options available for me to decide.

OK, time to get ready for a BIG DAY in BIG APPLE.