Love Myself Again

When I was busy getting ready to move into new flat last week, I suddenly realized that I had not been eating right at all. I had been eating about one meal a day, had not gone grocery shopping for more than one month, had not been eating fruits other than free bananas in office pantry, had not drunk any milk at all for weeks, and I had been very sick for about 3 weeks now. I thought to myself: this is not right, I have to take good care of myself once I have moved into new home.

So this is what I am going to do starting tomorrow. I will remember to love myself again and do everything I can that will make me happy and healthy. Today I finally went to see the doctor about my neverending cough which has been causing my throat to swell up and hurt like hell. Am now under very heavy medication and super drowsy as I type.....

The mourning phase is officially over. I will live life again :)

New Best Friend, Sally

Moved into new flat 2 days ago and already met a new friend, Sally. She is approachable, generous, always ready to help, stable..... My new companion in the neighbourhood.

I am talking about the WIFI connection I've been stealing from since I moved in. I've been using broadband internet connection called "Sally" which my computer detected. It's working really well, very good connection! :P

Byebye I love you!

My last night in this flat. Still with tons of little things lying around, boxes and "red-white-blue" bags stacked up in the living room, like a war zone. I am going to miss my home so so so so much, or rather, the memories in this flat that of course I can bring with me wherever I go. Still, it is different from looking at my sofa and recalling the times when someone used to always fall asleep when waiting for me to change and head out, or when there was not much conversation, only exchange of smiles and stares with someone..... Or the kitchen, where my caipirinhas were prepared..... The bed, where stories were read (some unfinished)..... The bathroom, where someone used to always put toothpaste on my toothbrush for me....

It's now 6:33am. Going to start moving in 2 hours..... I hope to have a good night's sleep tonight. Byebye sweet memories!

Pre-Move

It is so much work to move to a new flat!
Ordering new furniture and curtains;
Making arrangements with moving company;
Arranging all the deliveries and assembling (plant, furniture, TV, curtains)
Finding the right TV (a white Samsung LCD);
Framing a painting;
Thinking of pictures I can put up;
Packing smartly;
Getting rid of things I haven't been using for a long time;
Calling up PCCW to take their Now TV machine back (no need for sports channel since I no longer have a soccer/NBA/tennis crazy boyfriend to please haha);
Buying new plant since my living room is soooooo white;
Buying new cushions to add color and for guests to sit on;
Thinking where to put what in the new flat to optimize space.....

Well, it's my fault. I like to make my flat close to perfect the day I move in, so I have to cramp all the deliveries and assembling within 12 hours, and unpack for 6 hours. Am glad I can do all this without a guy! (Except Stephen who needs to help me set up my TV and DVD, and drill hole in the wall so I can hang the painting)

Walking

Suddenly, I feel glad that I have been through so much in the past year or so. I have evolved so much I think I'm now at my best as a person: so much more independent, calm, self-content, understanding, accepting, accommodating, easy-going and forgiving.

Now, at this very moment, I truly mean it when I say that I am grateful for this difficult journey in the past year. I feel blessed to have met all those who have touched my heart in many different ways, those who have shared so many happy moments and connected with me. And I'm proud to say that I feel loved right now even though I am very single and am sitting on my bed alone. It takes a lot to truly feel loved and cared for without having someone physically beside me.

A few months ago, I wrote about walking alone again, trying to find my path, while feeling sad that the past seemed so fuzzy as I looked back. Now, I am continuing with my journey, walking at a leisurely pace, enjoying the scenery, looking back every now and then - but no more feeling of loneliness, because I know I'm not really walking alone.

Sober Thoughts

I haven't made enough effort to shift to the middle of the bed
Haven't stopped thinking about my missing rock
A name still comes to mind when my alarm goes off
Still stare at the electric toothbrush for an extra second before picking it up
And wonder as I am brushing my teeth what the salty toothpaste really does for me

I have been going out each and every day
Making my schedule as jam-packed as I could
I stopped crying, thinking and ... the occasional smoke
Allowed myself to embrace new beginnings
And be patient with myself, awaiting all the lovely things that will happen to me

Note: 3am, back from a night out with zero alcohol - been coughing like crazy and on antibiotics and painkillers. Totally sober thoughts.

Goodbye (1) - The Table

In 2 weeks, I will be out of this apartment. I've had so much memories here, it's painful to have to leave. Before I go, I want to say goodbye to each memorable part of my home... Starting with The Table.

This is where I used to eat, work, chat online, put my Moleskin notebook, wallet, letters...

Also where they used to put their wallets, keys, Moleskin notebooks, Blackberry, pen, coins...

I have eaten breakfast here many times...
Mango yoghurt, papaya, orange juice and muesli;
Pomegranate yoghurt, grapes, croissant, fried eggs, ham, sausage, Earl Grey, passion fruit juice.

Hairy crab dinner with Gloria;
Angel's hair with pesto with Angela;
Steak with Johnny;
Takeaway dinner and lots of sweet soup with David;
Homemade Chinese soup with different friends.

My Caipirinhas;
Pisco, Amarula shots;
Flaming Pisco and Cachaca.

Beautiful surprise flowers in a vase;
Narcissus flowers during Chinese New Year;
Christmas flowers which died before Christmas.

Connie's cute little notes after cleaning up...

Where numerous research reports were produced and analyzed...

Countless messages of love sent and received...

This is My Table.

21 days

I believe that you can fully get used to any habit within 21 days.

- entering your new PIN number without mistakes
- sleeping on a different side of the bed
- having a new accessory on your body (which you do not take off), like a ring, a bracelet, an anklet, a necklace
- using a new mobile phone
- feeling comfortable in a new flat
- remembering someone's smell
- forgetting someone's smell
- having someone in your everyday life
- not having someone in your everyday life
- loving someone
- not loving someone

Of course, it doesn't mean that you'll enjoy the habit. Though, in 3 weeks' time, you'll likely not feel too much disruptions in your life anymore and ... life goes on.

Catch My Breath

Wow, I feel like I just finished a rollercoaster ride, and waiting for it to start again any second! This has been an extremely crazy week, I still have trouble calming myself down, organizing my thoughts to write!
- had a sudden transfer at work and now have to look after a team of strangers, and some really problematic projects
- late in checking tons of reports that need to be delivered next week
- received soooooooo many emails, everybody hoping I can play God and help him/her
- met a new friend who's everything I look for in a good friend and has been keeping me company
- bumped into my 2nd boyfriend (Chris Chan) who was a complete jerk and is still very full of himself and is eager to meet up - he is back in HK for a week to job hunt
- re-united with my 1st boyfriend's little sister on facebook because she saw me posting a note on her highschool classmate's wall - I haven't seen Carmen (the little sister) for more than 10 years! She was in elementary school when I was dating her brother, and I used to spend a lot of time with her, drawing, walking around flea markets, etc etc
- food poisoning from my welcome lunch - how ironic!! (It's a sign.....?!!) I did a presentation with a really painful heartburn and passed out when I got home...... dizzy and exhausted yesterday but still had a painfully long client meeting.
- going to help a girl find a guy tonight, going to a farewell tomorrow night, having to start planning for the flat move, etc etc etc....

Help!!!!!! My heart is beating so fast it's about to pop out!

December - month of changes

I thought Dec was supposed to be a month of wrapping up and celebrating new beginning. Well it seems like my calendar is a little screwed up and the new beginning is starting a month early!

I asked for changes and I got them all happening at the same time! Looks like a very busy and stressful month... period... ahead. It's not fair - I also asked for a happy, chilled life!! Why wasn't that wish granted??????

Responsibility

Last week I already wanted to write about responsibility. In fact, I finished writing about it, but ended up deleting it because it seemed too negative and I was hoping to start bringing more positive vibe to my blog. Just an excerpt, I was quoting myself from a conversation:

"I just realized it wasn't an issue of adopting versus having my own. Since I was little I've known how unreliable marriage was. What would I do if my future marriage didn'twork out and I had to raise my kid alone?! Look at me, I can totally forget to eat the whole day when I'm feeling sad or tired. As much as I love animals, I can't even keep a puppy at home because it's a big and important responsibility yet I can't even guarantee whether I can come home at decent hours everyday to feed it! If I can't even keep a puppy, how can I raise a baby alone?"

Today, I had a breakthrough: I realized that I was actually ready to keep a dog. Of course, not any dog - I will have to pick a breed that is more likely to be independent since I will still have to be away from home around 10 hours a day on weekdays. Point is, I think I am now ready for the responsibility for various reasons:

Lifestyle
I no longer need to work crazy hours like in the past few years; on average I can leave work around 7 to 7:30pm; I don't stayover at anyone's place (Yes, I'm single!); I don't normally make plans for weeknights except for a few dinners. In other words, I'm much more available (for dating and for the pup!) than before to walk the pup and keep him company. In fact I love going on walks, so it'd be perfect to bring pup along.

Mentality
Between the years of 2001 and 2006, working in HK led me to the mentality of Me Me Me. I was quite self-centered and everything was supposed to be about Me and Me alone. Thus keeping a dog was out of the question as it would mean sacrificing my clubbing time, dating time, work time, sleep time, etc. Because of the Me Me Me mentality, I used to be very afraid of responsibility. More than once I left a guy because it freaked me out knowing that I was partly "responsible" for his happiness. (I know, I was such a bitch!! Hey but at least I've become a sweetie now! haha)

I realized today that I was actually ready to sacrifice part of my personal time or social life, in order to make the dog part of my daily life. I actually wanted to have that responsibility now, to bring some structure to my life and make it more fulfilling.

Self-Fulfillment
Being single now, I think it would be nice to look forward to feeding / playing with my dog after work each day, taking him out on longer walks on the weekend. I think that would make my life happier and more meaningful, to be able to bring love and happiness to my dog. Of course a dog can never be a replacement for a boyfriend. What I am trying to say is, I think it's time I learn to make my life fulfilling, without relying on a guy to light up my world. If I can't be truly happy and comfortable being alone, I will always count on someone else to be my sole supply of happiness - which will be disastrous.

Space
My new flat will be bigger than my current space (of course still not big), with a big full-length window in the living room. I think my dog will enjoy the building view, checking out what other neighbors are doing across the street. Or staring at cars...... haha Well, there will be an open kitchen so overall there will be more space to walk around and play.

As I live in Happy Valley, it'll be lovely walking him around the neighborhood. There is also a little park where dogs and their owners meet at night and play (- referring to the dogs, not the owners). It'll be really sweet.

Name
I will get my Brasilian friend to think of a silly pup name in portuguese!
Minhoquinho! (Chinese would be "chung jai")
Cachorrinho! (Chinese would be "gao jai")
Coelhinho! (Chinese would be "to jai")
Poor pup. His name will be either "pup", "little worm", or "little bunny".

Flat Hunt

I have been flat hunting for weeks in Happy Valley without any luck at all. Rent has gone up so much it is impossible to find anything nice even at 12k! I've pretty much seen all the "nicer" flats at my target rent level though nothing fits my criteria:
1. Bright and airy - an absolute must. What happens when a solar-powered chick is not getting enough sunlight? No energy!
2. Not directly facing another flat too close by - I do have habit of walking around the flat half naked. I don't want to flash kindergarten kids, or provide free entertainment for men across the street.
3. One bedroom, big enough for my double bed, night stand, a new big closet
4. Long living+dining room
5. Roughly NET 400+ square feet
6. Nice and clean bathroom and kitchen
7. Not too noisy. Ideally can hear birds singing in the morning.
8. Old building is okay. As long as interior very clean, off-white, simple walls and decorations.

That's all. Is that too much to ask for? If you ask me, of course I don't think I'm being picky. I didn't even ask for view of sky, moon, sun, sea (which I had had when living at parents')! Admittedly, a lot of people don't mind smaller flats or lack of sunlight...

Well, "keh leh" is the only description I can think of to adequately describe the weirdness level of flats I've seen: (and I wouldn't be too surprised if some of you think "hey what is wrong with that?")
- high floor flat but window all "chopped up" and hence blocking the light
- starry wallpaper in the bedroom (navy blue and yellow), floral wallpaper in the living room
- small and narrow bedroom which reminded me of a coffin
- balcony converted into kitchen (you cook looking at the street)
- nice chic decoration but reminds you of a boutique hotel room
- (most keh leh) fake dome-like ceiling with chandeliers and golden-framed victorian painting and painting lamp - all in a super old tiny flat painted in pink
- clear, close-up view of the Sanitorium hospital (it's very very bad feng shui... "choi!")
- clear, close-up view of flats and kindergarten across the street - I was not joking when I said "flashing kindergarten kids"
- nice, clear view of the Jewish cemetery
- public housing type of hallway, flat looking like a (murder) crime scene

I was really desperate and went around bugging different agents to show me something, even though I had stomach cramps and a headache. Disappointed, I went back to my current agent who knew the neighborhood very well and had very good connections and reputation (she owns the business). Finally, I rented a flat!

To cut the long story short, the agent had helped a rich property owner / long term client purchase this flat and design the layout (it was a big flat now split into 2 units), and her husband was now in charge of the renovations. I wish I could show some pictures - but you'd freak out because they'd be pictures of a war zone. Yep! I rented a flat that wasn't even there yet! I went to look at the surroundings, view and the rough size of the flat. That's it. I have known this middle-aged couple for 2 years and I trusted their taste. They showed me pictures of fixtures they were planning to use and let me decide whether to have 1 big bedroom or 2 rooms..... That flat would be about 6xx square feet, with open kitchen, big, full-size windows, all new renovations, facing east - with buildings across the street but not too near. She also agreed to charge me only 50% of her normal agent fee. If all goes well, I will move in on Dec 23.

So back to my food menu analogy (stolen from a book) - I couldn't pick anything at all from the menu and I decided to call up someone with discriminating taste in food for recommendation. It sounded like what I would really like, and I went for it. Do I know for sure whether it will turn out as I imagined? No. Do I know whether I will certainly love it? No. Do I know what I won't like about it? No. But at least this is my best bet, and it's worth betting on a dream.

還是哭了

終於, 哭了.

到了一個point受不了再多的打擊, 再不捨得, 還是要放手.
很不捨...
很不捨...

小時候, 媽媽說: 記緊將來要找一個真正愛惜你的人,不要讓人傷你的心.
我遇上很多愛惜我的人, 但我沒珍惜他們.
我愛惜的,卻離我而去.
媽媽不知道這年代要找互相愛惜的有多難.

(打中文, 因前男友看不懂, 不想他再擔心.)

Beautiful Girl

Cute song someone sent me, calling me "beautiful girl".

I never quite understand how to interpret it when someone (in general, not specifically referring to anyone) tells me I'm beautiful. Shall I take it as a compliment? Or an insult, being a face + a body? I have learned to accept it as a compliment, acknowledging the comment with a smile. It's a polite response. Though, what exactly does a guy expect a girl to say when he tells her she's beautiful? I mean, if a guy tells me "I really like you", I can tell him "I like you too" or "hmm... okay" or "oh don't be silly". If a guy says to me "muito gostosa", I can say "sim, obrigada" and laugh! :P But telling me I'm beautiful is to me like being told I'm tall. Imagine someone saying "hey you're tall", how do you respond? "Yes I am"? "Nah, I'm not"? "Thank you"?

Still, I enjoy the song.

Routine

I wake up once at 8:15am, let my alarm snooze every 5 minutes, until 8:45am when it stops snoozing.
Drag my lazy body to the living room, check my Gmail, Facebook and Appledaily.
Wear my contacts, brush my teeth, step into the shower, finish my shower, put on lotions.
Go back to my laptop and check for Gmail chat messages.
Blow dry my hair, add a bit of color to my face.
Finally get dressed and leave the flat. It’s 9:45am.

I say Hi to Peter the door guard.
Walk to Sing Woo Rd. 7-Eleven and catch a cab to work.
Arrive at 9:58am.

I turn on my computer and open Gmail, Facebook on Firefox, while Outlook synchronizes my mail.
Start my work day doing the usual: reminding/nagging teammates of outstanding tasks, checking project status, fixing project issues, training teammates, answering internal & external email/phone calls.
Write proposals and reports, do presentations, do cost calculations, meet clients every now and then.
Stare at “Gmail – Inbox (79)” status in the task pane every minute, checking for new mail.
Update my blog if there is something I want to write about – a habit developed after company banned all forms of chat.
Leave for lunch 12:50pm and come back 2:15pm. Sometimes with Chris the Chipmunk (nickname I gave him), sometimes my colleague. A lot of times I skip lunch.
Eat in either Harbor Chiu Chow dim sum restaurant, Saigon Vietnamese, Big Apple, or Shanghai Restaurant.
Go down to Starbucks for a drink, a tea or just a chat with my colleague or Chris the Chipmunk everyday.
Come back from lunch carrying on with my work or non-work.
Leave work finally at 7:15pm most times, sometimes around 8:30pm, occasionally midnight or later.

My evenings are a bit of a blur, depends on whatever comes up... or not. I wish I could add more variations to my evenings, since daytime routine is pretty much fixed. Though most of my friends are only up for dinners - not cooking, walking, movies, jazz gigs, listening to music and chill.

I am the least disciplined person, yet I have a routine too. Weird.

I just felt a bit dizzy and realized that one thing was missing in my routine: 3+ proper meals a day.

Baby Isaiah

My best friend Michelle just brought a huge smile to my face with Baby Isaiah's very cute pictures:

Funny SMS

Was having a pretty yucky day when an sms made me laugh:

A: Hi Cindy, can you watch Brazilian movie with no subtitles yet?
(I was taking the MTR with a friend to a pot luck dinner and I started laughing like silly.)
Me: Ha ha what do you think?!
A: There is this new movie that is a hit in Brazil "Tropa de Tiro". My friends brought a fake copy - but has no eng subtitles. Maybe you would like to practice your listening...
Me: Very sweet of you to think of me but, I don't even know what the title means! Lol! But if it's a graphic comedy like Borat then perhaps I can laugh along :P
A: Pure violence in Rio - vis a vis city of god. I guess all blood is red in any language. Anyway, they also brought some tv series with subtitles that I can lend to you to practice.
Me: Red is universal. Sounds good! Thanks. That would help!
A: Cool :) I'll do a movie session sometime this week and I'll put you in the guest list...

And he didn't realize he brought me my first laugh of the day!

New Blog

All posts below are imported from my old blog. They are already in chronological order (most recent near the top), with original posting dates added to the titles.

I hope that I can write a bit more freely, since only closer friends and complete strangers will know about this blog!

Blog (Nov 23, 07)

I didn't realize so many of you have been reading my blog because hardly anyone ever left me comments. It wasn't until some of you mentioned to me recently in conversations that I found out. It's nice to know that some of my friends are curious what I've been up to, what I'm thinking.

A good friend told me she felt sad after reading some of my posts. Please, Friends, don't be sad!! If anything, you should feel reassured - because these posts in the past year prove that life is full of surprises, and it is a learning experience. Yes, one could focus on the negative and argue that I had a really shitty year, filled with tears and hurt feelings; farewells and heartbreaks. Yet, I would focus on the positive, and argue that I had an eventful year: overcame a lot of challenges; became stronger, calmer and more peaceful; fell madly in love; had tons of laughter; opened my eyes to new possibilities; learned a great deal from people around me; and discovered so much more about myself!

So, don't feel sad. It's all part of the experience. I may not have a choice whether to have good or bad things happen to me, but I do have a choice how to approach them, both in action and in the mind. The worst one can do to himself/herself is not make a choice, allowing himself/herself to be thrown in all directions, all beaten up. There's an analogy I read about recently:

Imagine you are really hungry and looking at a menu in the restaurant, not knowing what to order. You can keep staring at the menu for hours, starving yourself, or you can go with your gut feeling and pick something that you are likely to enjoy the most, though uncertain now.

Do I seem like the type who stares at the menu for hours? 'Course not. :)

I think 99% of you got my blog URL through Friendster updates. I am deeply sorry for the annoying email notifications Friendster sent you whenever I posted something (hmm...though you do have a choice to deactivate it) - sometimes a few posts in one hour. Hence, I am planning to move my blog to some other public site, possibly only sending the link to closer friends unless someone specifically asks for the new link.

The invisible (Nov 22, 07)

I never quite understand friends or lovers who think they can just disappear from your life and then suddenly re-appear, like you wouldn't notice. Sort of like kids skipping class, hoping the teacher wouldn't notice a student missing. (Sure I've disappeared on people before, but those were mostly jerks so that didn't count!) I mean, they just re-appear...sneak back into the room... and go "hey plans for dinner?" like nothing happened. Excuse me, but ... where were you when I was in the emergency room, my car broke down, boyfriend left me, dog ran away, flat got flooded? Or when I won the lottery, had my birthday, a new home, a promotion? Or when the sky was blue, sun was shining? Where the hell were you?

Phewwwwwwww out of my system! Gnite!

New Home (Nov 22, 07)

Each day I enter and leave my flat, I miss it more. I have up to one month to find a new home and I know I can't delay the inevitable. Yes, it makes me sad knowing we have to part anytime within a week, two weeks, or a month - yet part of me is also looking forward to a new home, hoping it will be a happy beginning.....

When am I going to find it?
Where is it going to be?
Further up the slope or down?
Closer to the main street or further away?
Will it bright and airy?
Nice and cheerful?
Will I be able to see the clear blue sky on a beautiful Sunday morning?
Will I be able to see the stars at night..... The puppy star? The wormy wriggly star?
Will I be able to see the full moon?
Will it be so cozy I can pass out in bed the whole weekend without feeling guilty?
Will I be able to wake up in the morning hearing birds singing?
Will the shower temperature be just warm enough for winter, cool enough for summer?
Will the kitchen counter be big enough for me to make a messy caipirinha?
Will the living room be long enough for me to do my ballet twirls, and, (ha!) 5Rs?
And the sun!!!!! Will there be so much sunlight I can get a tan lying on the floor?

Apple (Nov 22, 07)

My friend loves eating apples and thinks I should eat more apples too, because they are good for me.

I just finished the second one he gave me, even though it was really too sour for my taste - because it was a "gift", and it was supposed to be good for my health.

And I decided that I could never be the type of person who would eat something just for health benefits. Sorry! Find me a red, sweeeeeeet, juicy one, and I will gladly learn to enjoy it.

One phone call (Nov 20, 07)

One phone call, and the world around me came to a halt. No sound, no feeling, no heartbeat. Like a momentary power interruption.

Holiday Phobia (Nov 19, 07)

You know how much I care about festivals:
there's got to be a birthday card, a cake, a present for my birthday...
there's got to be red packet under my pillow and a pot of narcissus flowers at home during Chinese New Year...
i've got to eat with family or someone special the night of Moon Festival / Chinese New Year's Eve...

And Christmas! Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, it's the most miserable time of the year, with so much social pressure to spend it with your family, good friends and lover (if any). Don't get me wrong - I used to LOVE Christmas! I used to sing Christmas carols starting from September (if not humming them year-round)! I used to insist on having a Christmas tree at home and having it decorated! I used to buy a lot of gifts for colleagues and friends! I used to buy not just one, but up to 3 presents for my boyfriend(s)! For years I used to jump up and down waiting for this special friend to come back to HK for Christmas and New Year! I used to go crazy partying and drinking on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve! And last year I had a 20-day countdown to my Tokyo Christmas and Hokkaido New Year - and some very silly "bunny bear" carols!

Urggggh! Too depressing! Better not go on and ruin my day. I hope I'll have some place to move to by then, and can throw a party this year. Nope - no crying and sulking and feeling sorry for myself! Nope - not getting drunk again like 2 years ago and regretting it (that was the most hilariously shameful thing I did in my entire life - and if you have no idea what I'm talking about, you'll never find out)!!!

~~It's the most wonderful time of the year~~

She's only happy in the sun (Nov 19, 07)

I know you may not want to see me
On your way down from the clouds
Would you hear me if I told you
That my heart is with you now

She's only happy in the sun
She's only happy in the sun

Did you find what you were after?
The pain and the laughter brought you to your knees
But if the sun sets you free, sets you free
You'll be free indeed, Indeed

She's only happy in the sun
She's only happy in the sun

Every time I hear you laughing, I hear you laughing
It makes me cry
Like the story of life, of your life
Is hello, goodbye

Shes only happy in the sun
Shes only happy in the sun

領悟 (Nov 15, 07)

從前很愛哭, 應該說, 常常哭. Sometimes they were tears of joy or saudade (大慨是懷念的意思), but most times they were tears of self-pity, feeling so sorry for myself for whatever happened (being mistreated, neglected, let down.....). 有時一個人的時候哭得很可憐, 連自己都想give自己a big hug.

昨晚有一點兒失樂/不安, 但就是哭不出來! And then I realized that when I stopped feeling like I deserved to be treated well in life, I stopped victimizing myself, and l lost a good reason to cry. There was no longer a little girl in me that I felt sorry for and wanted to protect. Yes, there might still be a hint of sadness or disappointment, but I accepted that sometimes I made mistakes about other people, whether it was a misunderstanding, a misinterpretation, wrong expectation, or simply a mismatch, and...找錯了門牌,沒什麼大不了...繼續找吧!

這樣mellow有點不慣, 好像吃了tranquilizer! ha ha

I-Deserve (Nov 13, 2007)

Have been reading this book Anatomy of Peace and been thinking a lot about my way of being.

For years I have had this mentality that I deserved good things to happen to me. Why? 'Cos I was nice, caring, genuine, pleasant-looking, educated, not stupid, multi-lingual, competent, presentable, down-to-earth..... In other words, 'cos I had a lot of nice qualities! When I was reading that book, I came to the realization that believing that I deserved good things to happen to me implied that people with fewer good qualities or who were less priviledged deserved less than I did! That was such a horrible mentality, and has caused me so much disappointment throughout my life when things I felt I deserved did not happen.

This is not to say that I should just settle for whatever I can get, but that I should not having the mentality that I am entitled to all these things that I want. I can still want a lot of things and pursue them and hope that they will happen - but if they don't, at least I won't feel that life is treating me unfairly.

And I still want:

A nice comfortable home;
A job that sufficiently challenges me and allows me to perform;
A lot of happiness and things to be happy about;
True friends who will always stick around through thick and thin;
A very special person to share my daily life with, (spoil me rotten!!) bringing sunshine, music and color to my world and allowing me to reciprocate.

Believe it or not, the slight adjustment of mentality makes a world of difference.

Saudade (Nov 13, 2007)

Saudade is.....

Having a lovely authentic fondue dinner at a good friend's place.....

Having a great time with friends,
Enjoying nice wine,
Followed by a shot of Kirsch,
Sipping Drambuie on the couch,
Enjoying a couple of Gudang Garam,
Smoking strawberry chicha,
Friendly conversation and nice company,
Nice chilled music (this time was Jack Johnson),
Watching/ Sleeping through a game of chess,

Bringing home a finished bottle of Drambuie, hugging it like an old friend.

Thanks, Friend, for the lovely evening.

Once again, it's "saudade" - not missing or longing, no tears of sadness... only... "saudade".

Everyone's Dream (Nov 11, 07)

I just finished a movie called Guinevere, and read Roger Ebert's review:

This movie isn't really about an old man and a younger woman at all. It's about everyone's dream of finding a person who, in the words of the old British beer commercial, refreshes the parts the others do not reach.

Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt (Nov 11, 07)

Listened to this song in someone's car:

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Self-Betrayal (Nov 10, 07)

My facebook profile has a section where close friends could add words to describe me. Descriptions so far: "chic", "cultured", "free-spirited", "gutsy", and "solar-powered". I particularly like "gutsy". To me, it means daring and courageous in one's deeds as well as thinking, and also implies having the courage to go after what one feels right.

For about a week, I have been thinking about the concept of self-betrayal. I had a chat with a friend of mine last week, and learned that he had made a decision half a year ago against his instinct and true wishes, and had been suffering mental torture ever since. He had done what he had thought would be the "right" thing to do, by social standards, by rational thinking. He had thought his decision would cause the least damage, and life would go back to normal. It did on the surface, but deep down there was an undercurrant of emotions fighting for his attention all the time.

Recently, I've been reading a book called The Anatomy of Peace. In one chapter, there is mention of Self-Betrayal. The writer says that very often people do not listen to their inner voice anymore, ignoring their instinctive feelings and thoughts, their own sense of what is right. They choose to act against their instincts, and by doing so they end up having to find ways to justify their decisions/actions - often times by exaggerating some of the causes of those decisions. As a result, they are not happy, and they are not at peace with themselves.

I think the world is increasingly obsessed with facts, numbers, certainty, clarity, security..... We seem to be losing the instinct to explore and discover, while developing a growing fear of the unknown. What is life, if we don't fully live it and experience it OUR OWN WAY?

This morning, that friend told me that he finally listened to his heart and did what he truly felt was the right thing. I was proud of him.

Dream life - N5Y (Nov 06, 07)

Have been talking to people about life planning - which was and still is a very alien concept to me. I have never planned my life like some of my friends have: writing down what they wanted to achieve in N12M (next 12 months), N3Y (next 3 years), N5Y (next 5 years). Though of course I've had some mental pictures of what I wanted to become or to have - most of which I've already achieved.

So, from today onwards I will start adding things to my list below which could be ideas for my N5Y.

Social Research
Shopper/ Retail Research
A serious, loving, lasting, trusting, monogamous relationship
A sweet, cozy home with a balcony and high ceiling. Ideally in an old building. A lot of plants.

A golden retriever would be nice.....

I would enjoy doing some type of work / part of my work from home. I am generally more creative and inspired in a home setting. (Like how I can keep writing and writing blogs when I'm home.)

Work that involves thinking, writing, coming up with ideas.

Master Portuguese.

Spend more of my time living/working abroad - even if I am based in Hong Kong - especially while I am still single.

Being able to support my parents and live closer to them.

With the right person, a family.

List will be updated whenever I have new ideas....

23 26 31 (Nov 06, 07)

When I was 23, I was stuck in a very dysfunctional relationship and trying to find a job in Toronto. It was winter time, snowing heavily. I spent a lot of time hiding under the blanket crying, praying that I could hide under the sheets forever.

After 3 months, I decided I needed to leave the relationship and Toronto.

Between 24 and 26, I used to cry in the morning everyday before work. I was working with some very weird and mean people, and every work day was another day in hell. My dear friend Candy was my teammate and she used to cry every morning too.

After 2.5 years, I quit my job and did a year of charity and freelance work.

Now, I am at a crossroads again. It's been a rough year, with some very very good times, and some very very bad times. While the madness seems to have died down, life doesn't just reboot itself and continue running like nothing happened. Status quo is not an option. So I've been thinking of running away and starting a new life.

Though, I'm not 23 or 26 anymore. I don't hide under the blanket and cry for months, years, hoping for miracles to happen. I can't just leave everything behind and escape. Well, I could and I almost did, but it would be immature to NOT seek out all possible options and solutions before making a life decision. Yes it is a life decision. At 31, you don't just pick a city on the map and move there. In fact, I have been thinking a lot whether I should stay. There are some good reasons to leave, a few sound reasons to stay, coupled with a few "naive" yet compelling and conditional reasons to stay. I have about 1 month to seek out all viable options and the clock is ticking.

One month from now, I decide to ______________________ .

Naive (Nov 01, 07)

Was in the shower and thinking.....

If you have shared an experience, a connection with someone that you have always treasured and found special and precious, yet that person tells you he/she finds himself/herself naive to think highly of or be influenced by that experience or connection..... What does it say about whatever it was that you found special?

What makes something special and meaningful? What it means to you and you alone? Or what it means to you and whoever else was part of it?

If the former, wouldn't it would be naive to believe in something that is not shared / agreed by other people?

If the latter, and that other person trivializes it, then shouldn't you adjust your perception/ thinking, and agree that it is not special at all? I suppose it is much easier to trivialize something, deny its importance, and convince others of that, than convince others of the specialness of something.

I hate to feel naive.

Happy Fools (Oct 18, 07)

Throughout our lives, we are bound to have close encounters with / hear about at least some of the following, if not all:
- Friends who betray us
- Bosses who make us feel worthless
- Teachers who only know the textbook theories
- Lovers who make us stop believing in love
- Doctors who have no interest in helping people, only making money
- Politicians/ Leaders who are corrupt and hypocritical
- Charities that cheat

I used to think that life is cruel, and because of that I would rather adopt a child in the future than bring one to the world. Now I'd like to correct myself. No, life itself is not cruel, it's just.... as such. It's the expectations of what life is all about, and what the world can promise you, that make the exposure to reality cruel and disappointing.

I had this discussion with a friend/colleague in a coffee shop in Auckland. We find it cruel that our teachers, storybooks, Disney movies only tell us about the Utopian world. Everything seems to make perfect sense in that ideal world: people fall in love and live happily together ever after, political leaders grew up wanting to improve lives and bring peace to the world, bosses eager to pass on their knowledge and help you grow professionally.....

No, no, I am not bitter, I have learned about the real world the hard way (like everybody else) throughout the years and have come to accept the world as it is. No, it's not all bad of course - just that it is not perfect and simple. In fact, it makes me appreciate the goodness and beauty that I encounter even more. Still, I wish I had known about the "imperfections" as a child, so I wouldn't have had such unrealistic expectations of my life and the world around me for so many years. It hurts to be disappointed.

The person I have become has serious trust issues. Though, I am still quite naive compared to many people my age, stubbornly believing that miracles do happen occasionally, and gambling with my happiness sometimes. Despite my seemingly pessimistic view of the world, I believe that life is meaningless without hope.

A friend of mine only listens to happy songs. Another friend only hangs out with happy people. Who am I to judge them when I rush to the beach whenever there is the sun, so that I can pretend that South Bay IS Hong Kong, that life here is all sweet and lovely without all the noise and pollution and craziness.

It's nice to be a happy fool in a complicated world......

Solar-Powered Girl (Oct 18, 07)

My dear friend, Stephanie, came up with this nickname for me: Solar-Powered Girl. Quite true actually, cos when I am not absorbing enough sunshine, I become sad, teary-eyed, tired, quiet, lacking in energy..... like a sad puppy!! (Classic vitamin D deficiency symptoms.) I wonder how I survived all those years before joining the sun-worshipping cult some 4 years ago! No wonder I was such a different person before...

Am now looking for a list of potential cities to move to ... em... in the future, and I just realized that HK is actually quite perfect in terms of weather and sunshine. I cannot imagine myself living in a cold city anymore. Or a city without a beach nearby..... (I'd die within a month.)

Fijian dessert: gnat ydnic (Oct 15, 07)

A very silly friend played a very silly joke on me while I was on my work trip in Fji.....

One evening, I asked my friend on google chat whether he wanted any special souvenirs from Fiji. This friend didn't normally ask for any souvenirs apart from postcards so I wasn't expecting any special request. Surprisingly, this time he did have a request. He had read about a local Fijian dessert that was supposed to be "very very very sweet" and asked me to bring back for him. I asked him what kind of dessert it was. He said he wasn't sure but it was "very very very sweet" and was probably made with fruits dried in the sun.

After that conversation, I went out for dinner with my Australian colleague working in Fiji. I showed him the name of the dessert written on a piece of paper, and immediately he said, "This is not Fijian for sure, and it's not Hindi either.... What language is this? I've never heard of this thing... Your friend probably got the spelling wrong.." I said, "I'm not sure what language it is either but it's supposed to be VERY VERY VERY SWEET, made with dried fruits."

I came back to the hotel, found my friend on google chat and told him what my colleague had said. My friend seemed a bit annoyed and possibly insulted, and said, "Perhaps your Australian colleague couldn't read Fijian. I think you should ask some locals instead, or women." I asked him to give me more information on this dessert and he replied, "Actually i just remembered that though it is very very sweet, it also has a surprising saltiness. Maybe it is scientific name?" (My friend was on the minibus when replying to me, and I bet he almost burst out laughing.)

The next 2 days, I asked all Fijians I had a chance to speak to. Reception staff at the hotel, my research partner's driver, everybody in the office, taxi drivers..... Everybody in the office was standing in the reception area, discussing this...

Colleague A: Could it be _______ ?

Colleague B: No, Cindy said it's very very very sweet with a hint of saltiness... _____ is not salty at all...

Colleague A: Ah right...

Colleague C: What about XXXXXX?

Colleague A: Oh.... but it's not salty... but then you do add salt to it when you eat it!

Colleague D: But Cindy also said it's made with fruits... XXXXXX is more like a custard......

And the discussion went on forever.....

I found my friend online later on, and told him nobody in Suva knew about the dessert. He said, "Maybe they don't have this dessert in Suva, only in Nadi. Why don't you try and ask around when you get to Nadi?"

I did. Found nothing, and felt pretty bad about it so I ended up bringing 2 mangoes back instead.

I came back to Hong Kong on Oct 7, and on Oct 8, I learned that there was no such thing as Gnat Ydnic... Well there was... my name spelled backwards.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........................ So Stupid!!

Powerful words (Oct 15, 07)

My domestic helper sms-ed me on Sunday to ask whether she could drop by on Tuesday instead of Monday. I replied saying "np", assuming all Filipinos would understand that it meant no problem. I came home yesterday (Monday) and noticed my place was all tidy, so I sms-ed her and apologized for not leaving cash for her because I was under the impression she wasn't coming. She sms-ed back and said, "I was confused so I decided to drop by because I don't want to lose you."

Wow. "I don't want to lose you." When was the last time someone said this to me and who was it? "I don't want to lose you." Wow.......!!! I almost sms-ed her to ask her to say it again!

Well, companies say it, men say it, BUT 9 out of 10 times they don't do enough to prevent what they are afraid of happening from happening. In other words they mean, "I don't want to lose you, Cindy, but I will let you go."

My helper... she actually did something about it so that she wouldn't lose me! For that, I will keep her for as long as possible even though she uses dishwashing detergent to clean my bathtub, hides my socks, once put my neck brace on my teddy bear, fake flower in my plant pot...

Endless Possibilities (Oct 15, 07)

Promised landlord to move out by end of Dec.

It's been bothering me for months and now the deadline is approaching. (I hate deadlines, and countdowns.....) Finding a new home is not a problem, but do I want to stay in Happy Valley? Or... do I even want to stay in Hong Kong? Or in Asia?

It's the sort of thing that each time I think about it I get a headache and want to go to bed...

Like now.

Back from Escape (Oct 07, 07)

Know what I miss? I miss having a long exciting trip AND still feeling excited about coming home for the many great things awaiting me here.

Just arrived home from Fiji/ Auckland last night, took a long hot shower and went to sleep.

It was a long and exhausting work trip, but still felt better than coming back here. Though, I made good use of my time this morning, sending out important emails, paying bills, downloading pictures......

The best thing about the trip was the time difference. Sydney was 2 hours ahead; Auckland 5 hours ahead; Fiji 4 hours ahead. I didn't really pay too much attention to it during the trip, though always feeling very tired and sleepy. Now, it's good, because I went to bed at midnight and I woke up at 7am feeling okay! I hope I can keep my Fiji time, so that I won't be late again for work.

Encounters (Part 2) (Oct 01, 07)

Freaks! Freaks! Freaks!

What is wrong with Australasia?! I attracted all these freaks who could conveniently forget their family and children and ask to travel with me to Fiji or some other exotic island!!

What the hell is wrong with these men??? When I reminded this one guy that he had a family, he said,"well I travel 50+ days in a year and when I am overseas I am alone so I make judgments that are best for me and my life experience." WHAT!!!!!!!?

It puzzles me... I'm not sure I'll ever understand... Is it really impossible to love AND remain IN LOVE with a person for a long time? I don't ever want to be with someone out of obligation again. To me, that is the LONELIEST feeling one can ever feel - to be there with someone without really being there.

Encounters (Sep 30, 07)

I have met a lot of interesting characters on this trip so far (Italians, Australians, Lebanese, Fijians, Samoan...) and had a great conversation last night in super friggin boring Auckland.

Indeed part of the joy of travelling is the People element - which brings the whole experience to life.

I'm glad to be on this trip, I really wanted a break from everything back home. Ughh.. and now I'm worried about going back. Reminds me of leaving South Bay beach at sunset after spending half a day there. When I get to the steps leading back to the main road, I often stop, turn around, and take a last look of the sun and sea.....

Last night in Sydney (Sep 29, 07)

Sydney is "surprisingly" nice. I never thought I'd enjoy it this much. To me, it's like a laid-back and friendly version of NY (though it's been years since I last visited NY). I really enjoyed the past few days here. Top things I liked about Sydney:
1. The people were "surprisingly" friendly
2. Sunny weather
3. Beautiful harbour
4. Lots of interesting art galleries
5. Pastries - there are tons of nice patisserie
6. Quaint old houses in cozy neighborhoods like Balmain
7. Well-preserved old buildings... architecture
8. Chilled attitude coupled with efficiency
9. Ferry rides
10. Clean city

Next Stop: New Zealand.

Sydney morning (Sep 26, 07)

Am in Sydney right now. My first morning here.

Sydney reminds me of downtown Toronto a lot - even though we don't have such beautiful coastlines and architecture back home.

I've travelled so much in past few years that I am starting to wonder if travelling is losing that thrill and great anticipation it used to give me. My recent 3 trips I didn't even bother getting a window seat on the plane anymore. Yesterday when I was flying to Sydney, by chance I decided to swap seats with a Chinese woman so that she could sit with her husband (would have been quite sad to be separated for 8.5 hours) and ended up with a window seat, legs all cramped. When the plane was landing, the lady sitting beside me pointed at the view outside the window and I went "wowwwwww". It was then I realized I hadn't been checking out the view from the sky either. For a second just looking out the window, I had this feeling of excitement again about visiting a new country.

Gotta run to meeting soon...

Chick Flick (Sep 23, 07)

It sucks to realize/accept that my life is no chick flick - no You've Got Mail / Sleepless in Seattle / Love Actually / Notting Hill... In those movies, the man and the woman meet in some weird way, fall in love, separate because of some stupid reasons, endure great pain from the separation, and then decide they can't live without each other, and live happily ever after. Like the classic ending in When Harry Met Sally:

Harry: Well, how about this way? I love that you get cold when it's seventy-one degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend a day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes, and I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Years Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of the life to start as soon as possible.

(Sally's eyes show that she is smitten - but she is not ready to admit it yet)

Sally: You see, that is just like you, Harry. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you. And I hate you, Harry... I really hate you. I hate you ...

For me, it's "byebye I love you". Period. Something is clearly wrong! If I could have all these interesting / weird / sweet encounters like in movies, my movie deserves a proper happy ending!! Now it's more like "The Neverending Dating Story of Cindy" / "100 Dates" / "Love Curse" (hahahaha).

A good friend was in town the other day, and she couldn't wait to hear about my latest stories (we hadn't spoken for a long time as she was in Toronto). After I finished, she went: Wow! Cindy you're amazing!! It's been like a soap opera, always with the weirdest twists and turns, since I knew you back in college!

Urgghhhhh but I don't want drama!! I really don't!

A while ago, a friend's friend with clairevoyance said to me: Cindy, you came to this world asking for excitement, options, experiences and most importantly freedom. You need to remember to embrace what you asked for and have been granted. I was dumbfounded. Indeed, I grew up wishing for all that. I wanted to NOT have a stable home, but to fly around the world and experience different things. I wanted to NOT be tied down by any relationships, I wanted my space and my freedom to experience things alone. I wanted to NOT have any responsibilities for anyone. I don't remember since when I started forgetting all those things I had been pursuing and began to crave for stability and security.

That's why people say: watch what you pray for! Damn... I wonder if it is too late to say to God: Sorry, I was young and stupid and didn't know what I was praying for..... Let's do it again? Please forget about the excitement, and just let me live happily ever after with the next guy I fall crazily in love with? Yeah?

Sign (Sep 22, 07)

Friday my iPod had a stroke and passed away. I went through the normal phases of denial, anger, sadness...... and finally acceptance. Perhaps it was a SIGN - a new beginning!

After some encouragement from people like Chico, Dion, I went to check out new iPod models. Wow I was amazed... I ended up buying the new nano - unbelievably small and slim!

I also re-organized my playlists:

• Latin American
• Recent Chilled
• Recent Alternative
• Wake up and Dance
• Smile
• Instrumental
• Chinese

Now I'm listening to the Smile collection. Indeed it is making me smile..... giggle even. When I played it for the first time I was in the supermarket buying bananas (to make a banana ovaltine smoothie), I giggled listening to the first song Love Generation and started moving my body to the beat (in the supermarket!). Just 30 seconds ago the playlist finished with Rainy Day, Dream Away (Jimmy Hendrix). Now it's playing again... Sonho Meu... vai buscar que mora longe sonho meu :)

Am happy with the new beginning. I trust I will have a very sweet and intimate relationship with my new iPod nano :)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Sep 17, 07)

Sunday I had to go back to the office for work. Sucks huh? But you know what's cool? I worked till 3:50pm, called a cab, went to Middle Bay to check out the water (no good), then took another cab to South Bay, walked to the showers, took off my clothes (leaving my bikini on of course!), wet my hair, walked towards the sea, dropped my bag halfway, and just went straight into the water....

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so nice!

I swam and swam, let myself float when tired, looking at the sky thinking about absolutely nothing except how good it felt, swam more...... went to pick up my bag, turned on my ipod and went home.

If I could live by the beach, I would THE HAPPIEST WOMAN in the world! I can live alone for the rest of my life!!!

Abraco Forte (Sep 17, 07)

One of those rare days when no music, singing, egg mcmuffin, milo icecream, swimming, sunbathing, etc etc etc can make me smile.

All I need is a strong hug. Muito muito muito forte.

How can a day be this bad?!

Children's Prayer (Sep 15, 07)

Friday night I went to see the movie La Vie en Rose. There were a few scenes where little Piaf prayed to the angel for help. For a while I've been thinking about that one prayer that I had said in primary school as a little girl, but never again after entering secondary school.

Then just now, with the first line of the prayer I could vaguely remember, I googled, and found it:

Angel of God,
my guardian dear,
To whom God's love
commits me here,
Ever this day,
be at my side,
To light and guard,
Rule and guide. Amen.

I smiled to myself... :) Imagine some 30 little girls in class praying to their angels together. So cute!!!

Moving On (Sep 14, 07)

It's Saturday afternoon. I woke up an hour ago, checked my email, chatted with Angie about where to have dinner tonight with the others, and now debating in my head whether to go back to office or not to finish a report.

This is a not a typical Saturday afternoon for me... But what is? So much has changed and happened in the past 4.5 months I am trying to find my bearings again now, slowly. It's a good thing. I don't feel sad about it at all. In fact..... surprisingly calm.

For a while (in the last 4.5 months) I was always at the beach, or dragonboating, or walking, doing something outdoors. Then I went travelling for a bit. A weekend or two in Brazil, or Singapore, or Philippines. Ah, and one or two weekends, (haha) I completely passed out!! Oh, and going to museums in Shenzhen (correction: should be Guangzhou)! Art gallery in Kwai Fong! Chilling at the park!

Am trying to recall the weekends when we were still together. (Thinking hard...) We'd sleep till 11ish, check the weather. If it was sunny, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE we'd be excited about going to the beach later in the day. Regardless, we'd shower, meet with friends for a long lunch in Soho. Sometimes we'd go to yoga class together. In the evening we liked to cook. Either eating at the dining table with a candle, or in front of the TV watching a movie. Late night, we might go out and join friends for a drink. Ah, and of course, sometimes staying in with friends or just us for a smoke listening to music.

It's strange how all this feels like ages ago. Like watching a home video from your childhood.

People asked me how I managed to cope with all that has happened. I told them,"I decided to free myself." While I cannot stop people I love from letting me down or even hurting me in the pursuit of their own happiness - they are just human afterall - I can decide to let go and not dwell on the pain. It's not easy, but knowing that there will never be anyone who can love me as unconditionally as I myself do, I have to take good care of myself.

Besides, I still believe my story is meant to be filled with sunshine, laughter, music, colors and hope. They'll all come back, as they always do.

As the wise man told me:
The objects, people, experiences you encounter are only parts of your life. You live for your own life, not for them.

God punishes happy people (Sep 05, 07)

It's true. God punishes happy people. To keep them rooted to reality, I suppose. Or, maybe to remind them not to get too comfortable and content with their newfound source of happiness.

Each time I'm about to be punished again, I start having recurring stomach cramps, which can last for months, until I get back on my feet and start searching again.

I will start again very soon. This is my promise to myself.

Things I don't like about Hong Kong (Aug 28, 07)

1. I can't afford a bigger flat in Happy Valley
2. People here don't have picnics - cos there's no place for picnics!
3. Parks have signs saying "do not step on the grass"! (what the hell!?!!!)
4. No candy apples here
5. Most people aren't that passionate about life / living. People here look so sad!!
6. Most men are short, ugly and out of shape
7. Rains too much
8. Food poisoning / stomach ache from bad food seems so common
.... can't think of more....

Things I love about Hong Kong (Aug 27, 07)

1. The most beautiful night view in the world from the airplane. Hong Kong is so stunning and charming when it's all lit up.
2. Variety of restaurants, cuisines.
3. Mix of different ethnicities - one can meet people from all over the world.
4. Beaches are 15 mins from where I live.
5. It is warm enough almost year-round so I can wear my skimpy summer clothes basically from March until November!
6. The ding ding tram is charming and romantic (in cool weather).
7. My Happy Valley neighborhood is safe, friendly, convenient and charming:
- my neighbors speak to one another in elevators
- the doorman, Uncle Wu, chats with me and my friends (and doesn't seem to think I'm a slut for having different male visitors in the past 2 years :P Kidding!!!)
- the florist owner calls me Leng Lui and always gives me discounts
- the bitchy Lin Yuen owner remembers that I only buy their soy sauce pigeon
- probably the highest concentration of dogs in HK
8. Junk trips are such fun.
9. Some interesting short hikes not far from the city but quiet enough to take your mind off your hectic life.
10. So easy and affordable to travel around Asia (I just flew to Singapore last Friday after work and back on Sunday night, to eat and shop for earrings - even though I found Singapore generally quite boring).
11. Very international - I speak in English/ Cantonese each day depending on the occasion; I eat Asian/ American (crap)/ Italian food depending on my mood; I can hide in the more westernized Central/ Soho district or head to Causeway Bay to be surrounded by locals.
12. A lot of people I love are based on Hong Kong... my friends, family....

Post-Birthday (Aug 26, 07)

My birthday turned out to be a good one. Phewwwwwwwwww!

I did start my birthday 100% pissed off but by noon-time I decided it was time to switch back to my normal mode. I had an inspiring conversation that day and was reminded of who I was: cheerful, happy, optimistic, eager to explore possibilities in life, passionate about life. Thus, I decided it was about time to let go of angry feelings, be my normal self again, and continue with my endless pursuit of happiness. :)

I ended up having a very good birthday. One of the best.

Sweet Birthday Greetings (Aug 23, 07)

“I wish you heaven in your heart, starlight in your soul & miracles in your life!”

[15:37] Andy @ Bkk: i wish that u find a soulmate soon and find your true niche in yr working life
[15:38] C Tang: That is so fucking sweet. i mean it
[15:38] Andy @ Bkk: :$
[15:38] C Tang: hehe
[15:38] Andy @ Bkk: well, i'm always hoping u will find some guy to keep u out of trouble

“Wishing you all the success, love and happiness you deserve!”

“Wishing you only the best for the year ahead. May you make the right choices... Have a formidable one and get spoilt rotten girl!”

“I wish you the warmth of radiant sunrises and sunsets, melodious saudade poetry accompanied by music, your beautiful smile reflected in the people around you”

23 hours countdown to Aug 23 (Aug 21, 07)

Another 23 hours and it's my birthday again.

I'm super "lo to": like a kid, birthday is still THE biggest day of the year. I used to cry if I didn't have birthday card, birthday cake, AND birthday present on my birthday. It had to be the full package. And I hardly ever worked or cried on that day, because it was bad omen :P

Haha..... last year I received an E-card from Chico and I was so pissed off the whole day! I was like,"e-card is NOT a card!!!!" LOL He meant it as a joke.

This year I have to work on that day, though planning to leave at 6:30pm sharp. For a thousand reasons, it's also going to be one of my worst birthdays ever. BUT, I guess I still have to make the best out of the worst. So, I am trying to come up with a list of things I enjoy that I might try to have on that day.

• early morning swim at the beach?
• half of a sweet clove cigarette?
• dim sum?
• procrastinating at work? (hmm gonna be a bit difficult this Thursday)
• pretty dress?
• chocolate?
• run into a puppy intentionally and run away with it?! :P

Things to avoid:

• crying is no no
• working too ard is no no
• accepting dinner date with random guy(s) is no no
• expressionless face is no no (must stay cheerful on birthday even when the sun explodes)
• staying home alone is no no
• thinking too much, or about anything of importance is no no

ahhhhhhhh crap

Family Gathering (Aug 19, 07)

Finally met up with my parents and my aunt today. I had a really lovely time with them. I am glad I finally laughed again (it had been days, except for yesterday's dinner) seeing my mom and her twin sister (who just arrived from Toronto) together.

My Aunt Maggie had always been the more proper, diplomatic, composed twin. My mom had always been the silly, bubbly, cheerful one. Today though, when I saw my aunt, she became just like my mom - making jokes, giggling, hopping around......... haha!! She was really excited to be in HK, and was telling us about my cousin's engagement and her dance partners in Toronto. She was speaking louder than she normally did, because she was excited, and when my mom spoke, my aunt whispered "shhhhhhhhhh stop screaming!!" My mom went,"you were the one screaming and you are shushing me!!!" We all laughed.

My aunt and my mom had always shared a strong resemblance - afterall they are twins. Though, this time when I saw them together again, they looked really really similar! Especially with my mom having lost 15 pounds, and my aunt becoming more bubbly....... I was looking at the art gallery brochures and asking my mom to take Aunt Maggie there, when I realized it was Aunt Maggie standing next to me not my mom! In fact, I looked at her for 2 seconds, before I could confirm it was my aunt indeed. Ha..................

Was also funny that when I arrived home, my mom said to Aunt Maggie,"Look, Maggie! Cindy has become so much prettier!" I was like,"no la... no la....!"

Was worth the 3-hour round-trip journey visiting them. :)

矛盾 (Aug 19, 07)

人是最矛盾的動物. 往往想說的都不敢說, 想做的都不敢做. 想那麼多,不辛苦嗎? 為什麼不能直接些, 灑脫些.

喜歡便喜歡; 不喜歡便不喜歡. 想離開便離開; 不想便不想.

從前我也是那樣, 想了又想, 拖了又拖, 最終所有都溜走了, 才明白所有保貴的都有時限, 有self-timer. 時間從來都不等人, 錯過了便錯過了.

人大了, 學懂了珍惜機會, 珍惜快樂, 珍惜難得的東西. 溜走了,至少也嘗試抓緊過.

形容詞 (Aug 17, 07)

想了一小時, 都想不到怎樣可以輕描淡寫地表達十分難受的感覺

很難過
真的很難過

That time of the year (Aug 16, 07)

Finally, next Thursday is that time of the year again - to start fresh and welcome yet another year of crazy adventures.

The past year has been ..... crazy. Here's some random words that come to mind (in no particular order):
happiness, sadness, excitement, laughter, smiiiiiiiiiiiles, tears of sadness, tears of joy, love, relationship, separation, breakup, heartache, sweetness, friendship, culture, cultural clash, conduit 31, dragon boat, sun, beach, sea, travel, BRAZIL, BRAZIL, BRAZIL, stargazing, camping, Japan, Sri Lanka, Perhentian, coelhinha, cachorrinho SAFADO, 3-2-1 eeeeeeeeeeeeek / wink / wiggle / wriggle, "wriggly star", poetry/story reading, crazy jetlag, grooming, scratching, food poisoning, music, tan, snowboarding episode, strolls, portuguese, Havaianas, "spiced" hot dog, pontoon, sailing, capsizing, camping, pedra da gavea, fruits, mount davis, junk trips, star ferry, obsessions, farewell, move...................................

That's life. My life at least. Full of ups and downs, laughter and tears, surprise (shock) after surprise (shock)......

I know it's too much to ask for, but I really pray for a year of smiles, laughter and peace. After years of drama, I think I deserve a break.

Message from Dad (Aug 16, 07)

An email from my dad:

Hi Cindy,

How are you doing? Yesterday, we had a pretty girl to give us a presentation on a Hedge Fund. She was quite smart. She made me think of you and wonder whether you are doing the same type of work when you go abroad.

Regards,

Dad

I was touched by this note from my dad and cried a bit after reading it. As I told a few close friends in an email this morning: I see my doctor more often than I see my own parents even though they live in the same city as me. I've always been proud of my parents for being so cool and independent, and I never suspected that they might actually miss me sometimes.

As many of my friends know, my parents have always given me plenty of freedom and space since I was a little girl. Some parents show their love through hugs and kisses, or nagging, or words. My parents show it through setting me free and not interfering with my life - and I suppose I've taken that for granted all these years.

My parents, like me, don't like to pry. Sometimes when I visit them, I sit around and don't talk much. (If I meet them in the city though, usually I'm more cheerful and bubbly.) I suppose that after all these years, they instinctively know that there must be something bothering me and I just am not in a chatty mood. They are cool with it, and never try to force me to talk about whatever it is that's bothering me. They just let me be.

This Sunday I plan to visit them again. If my Aunt Maggie wasn't arriving that day, I would probably be quiet during my visit - the past few days have been... unpleasant (an understatement). BUT, my Aunt Maggie IS visiting and I genuinely am very eager to see her. She is my mom's twin sister from Toronto and she is almost like my second mother. I miss her a lot and can't wait to see her.

Anyways, I will make an effort to see more of my parents from now on. I'll stop assuming that because they don't say it they don't hope to see me more.

Disagreement (Jul 07, 07)

I don't agree that.......

• inner beauty is useless if one has no outer beauty to get a man's attention
• "good quality" men in Hong Kong tend to treat women worse
• there are a lot of "good quality" women in Hong Kong
• one should judge a person based on "quality" - which, ironically, is mostly a quantitative measurement of a person's assets, qualifications, credentials
• the best years of a woman end at 30
• one should sacrifice his/her biggest dreams, goals, wants, needs and, most importantly, HAPPINESS, to settle for status quo, in fear of change
• if something seems too good to be true, it most likely is
• good things only happen to lucky people
• one should live by social standards and expectations
• Hong Kong people are unfriendly
• there is nothing to do in Hong Kong
• that one should be labelled "weird" for doing unconventional things

And most important of all,
I don't agree that I am sacrificing my fair skin and "class" for worship of the sun!

Million Faces (Jun 28, 07)

Another Paolo Nutini song I like, after These Streets.
Check this out on Youtube:

Oh the phone you know it never stops, it's the last thing I hear at night
And the first thing I hear in the morning.
And as I start to let it burn my head, you slowly creep into bed
And i'm done talking
You say you know how i'm feeling, I just need to try to settle down

Oh a million faces pass my way
Oh they're all the same, nothing seem to change anytime I look around
Oh who knows just what the future holds
All I want to know is if it's with you

Tired as hell and falling up the stairs, filled with a thousand cares as you walk out from the bedroom
Though it feels like all my fire has gone, you just turn me on
Can't believe how much I want you
You say you know how i'm feeling, I just need to try to settle down

Oh a million faces pass my way
Oh they're all the same, nothing seem to change anytime I look around
Oh who knows just what the future holds
All I want to know is if it's with you

We're distracted by the hard times, and the troubles that we make
Let us throw them in the ocean, let it wash our cares away
Oh the phone you know it never stops, it's the last thing I hear at night
And the first thing in the morning

Oh a million faces pass my way
Oh they're all the same, nothing seem to change anytime I look around
Oh who knows just what the future holds
All I want to know is if it's with you

We're distracted by the hard times, and the troubles that we make
Let us throw them in the ocean, let it wash our cares away
Oh the phone you know it never stops, it's the last thing I hear at night
And the first thing in the morning

Let it wash our cares away, let it wash our cares away...