My boss at work sent me and my work partner a note on Monday, informing us that next year we will have a joint sales target.
Immediately, my work partner started snatching all the local projects, so that he will have more local accounts to work on, giving him a more stable base for business development next year. Imagine a gimmicky supermarket promotion where the winner has one minute to run around the supermarket pushing a trolley, grabbing as many items as possible...
That was only one of the many sources of stress I get at work on a daily basis. Everyday my team of 6 come to me with problems, questions... Everyday I have to remind them to do this, do that... I have to check their work, give them feedback, make sure they are sufficiently motivated while at the same time not overload with work. Ah, not to mention my clients. I have a tobacco client who didn't want to believe the research findings, and have been wasting my team's time doing so much quality control work to check whether there has been any mistake or problem in the recruitment of respondents. And proposals too, they are neverending...
Of course, "that's work", you think to yourself. I know. That's what they pay me for.
I wake up each morning checking my work email via my phone, like preparing myself for war. I arrive at the war zone at 9am, and fight battles till around 8pm. That's my life from Monday to Friday. Realistically, I won't quit my job, as I have so many people including myself to support. Though, I must admit it used to be so comforting when he told me he'd take care of me if I had to leave my job. That was what I meant by emotional pillar. I used to feel very warm and safe when I came home. I "knew" he would protect me.
I loved him so much, for a long time I truly thought of him as my closest family. I never thought he would ever hate me so much. Whenever he got angry at me, I felt so shocked that he hated me so much.
I don't understand why he hates me so deeply, but maybe I will never understand. Perhaps he doesn't understand either. I don't know how you can hate someone who loves you so much and puts you first at all times. I feel sad, yes, but I've never hated him. I've gotten to the point where I accept his anger, and just hope that he can at least acknowledge it's not nice to be so angry at me for something so trivial, and that it's bad to be mean and aggressive.
Whatever...
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Home
After a day's stress at work, all I wanted was to go home, meet with my boyfriend and talk about each other's day, have some simple food, think about some silly games to play...
Now I don't want to go home anymore. It's frustrating thinking how I have to think twice before saying something that makes him upset or defensive, and how I'd get yelled at if I point out he snapped at me or he gave me a mean stare. The thought of sleeping in separate rooms and that person in the other room so angry and hostile.
There used to be so much love and warmth in our home. There was a time when I felt safe there, and didn't have to walk on eggshells. I used to look forward to dropping all my work and rushing home to see him.
Now I don't even want to talk to him. I look forward to some positive changes but at the same time I do not believe in any changes. He agreed a week ago that he needed to work on his emotions and make me happy - then a week later he told me he had the right to anger and emotions and whatever.
I don't know where to go.
Now I don't want to go home anymore. It's frustrating thinking how I have to think twice before saying something that makes him upset or defensive, and how I'd get yelled at if I point out he snapped at me or he gave me a mean stare. The thought of sleeping in separate rooms and that person in the other room so angry and hostile.
There used to be so much love and warmth in our home. There was a time when I felt safe there, and didn't have to walk on eggshells. I used to look forward to dropping all my work and rushing home to see him.
Now I don't even want to talk to him. I look forward to some positive changes but at the same time I do not believe in any changes. He agreed a week ago that he needed to work on his emotions and make me happy - then a week later he told me he had the right to anger and emotions and whatever.
I don't know where to go.
Pillar
Through connecting with my family, talking to my parents and brother, I realized how helpless I felt as a child – helpless in the sense that I couldn’t do anything to stop the deep-rooted pain and hostility in the family – and how eager I became as an adult to inspire and help people around me who were sad. I was always drawn to negative, sad, disillusioned people who seemed to need some support. In a way I have always felt a need to make people a little happier, a little more hopeful. Growing up seeing my parents live in anger, pain, suffering, I wished I could do something.
My brother wrote this to me just now,” You did the right thing in the past by staying away from trouble. I was so out of control like a mad man. The further away from me the better. However, we both have something in common at the end. The need of a family, a real family to make ourselves feel important.
Listening to you is really the least that I can do for my sister. I really hope that you can learn to remember that you actually have a brother who have just transformed back to human being. A person you can talk to. And I don't bite anymore. I have chained my demon really well somewhere he cannot hurt me or anyone again.”
As an adult, it pains me to see someone sad, and I find that I empathize with others’ sadness more than anyone else does. Observing how my parents interacted with each other, I became much more sensitive to signs of anger, impatience, hatred and sorrow. I remember a few years ago I met this young boy in the
I’ve been trying so hard to care about other people that I’ve forgotten about my own need for an emotional pillar. I understand now that I can’t take responsibility for everyone’s problems. I simply can’t continue like this. I remember 10 years ago I walked out of the life of a depressed person after finally taking him to the psychiatrist – I left
Last night I broke down and threw my beloved computer onto the floor, and possibly lost all my precious photos. I finally spoke to my mom and my dad (separately) for the first time in my life about their marriage and my childhood, and how I wanted them to be a bit happier, a bit more at peace with each other. I don’t know if that helped them at all, but certainly it lessened that baggage of mine. I really feel it’s time for me to find someone who can be MY pillar of love and support. I really want someone who cares about my feelings and knows that it’s bad to be mean and nasty. I’m done caring for everyone else but myself. I am very tired of lifting someone from his loneliness, sadness, whatever it might be, only to find that the person sinks again, pulls me down and blames me for his problems.
After so many years of giving, I think I deserve to be truly cherished and not taken for granted.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Fundamentals
Just let me mourne a bit longer, before I can pick myself up again and write about cheerful things around me.
I think I've already gone through the phases of denial, anger, acceptance, and now I'm feeling immense sadness.
I feel very sad we cannot work out. Yes, I've accepted that we cannot work out - I wanted to work things out but I realized that our approach and attitude simply was too different. We can't even agree on what the fundamental problem is. I no longer even try to persuade him that this is worth fighting for - because I don't even want to fight for it anymore. I've tried so hard to be the positive force in the relationship, reminding both of us that we loved each other and that was something precious and worth fighting for. I'm all beaten and exhausted.
We always hear couples trying to justify the decision to stay or leave a relationship, trying to weigh the happy vs sad ratio. I realized through this relationship that it's not about how happy or sad you get - certainly we have tons of fun together when we aren't fighting - but more importantly whether you have the same attitude, approach and commitment to solving problems together. Surely you want to be able to share good times together as a couple, but if you don't even have the fundamentals to dealing with bad times, the relationship certainly is doomed.
I loved him. I loved him so much I would not walk out on him like I had done to others in the past, I loved him so much I always wanted to resolve an argument as soon as possible because I couldn't bear to stay angry at each other.
His love for me wasn't the same. His ego was bigger than anything - and certainly more important than me. He would choose to get really angry at me and stay angry - and ignore me. He wouldn't even care if I got hit by a car. He wouldn't care if he was making me cry in public, just because he was angry. To him, he has every right to be furious, because he feels provoked. So as angry as he can be, he can do anything. He would leave me on the street and walk away. He would twist my words and accuse me of personal attack. He would victimize himself in front of his family, and tell me how his parents were right about me, and how they felt sorry for his misery. Sure he is the sweetest guy in front of my friends and family, and when he isn't angry over arguments. I don't know of any couple who has no arguments whatsoever. Yet I don't know of any couple who would get this excited over a minor argument! He has the right to give me the "black face", why can't I have the right to pout?! Why is my pouting such a big deal?! Which girl doesn't pout! I didn't even yell! I just walked away and went to sleep!
I feel so sad because I really hope we can be on the same wavelength when approaching problems. I really don't mind disagreements and arguments - I really believe they are part of any relationship - but I do find it impossible to carry on a relationship when we have such fundamental differences to tackling issues. When he finally told me how his family supported him regarding his anger management "style" - it really hit me that we couldn't continue like this. He must be very happy now, finally justifying his anger, and being told he didn't do anything wrong.
I feel sorry for him. He'll never be able to be in any healthy relationship unless he is with someone who has no personality, no passion, no feelings, no point of view. I admit I get annoyed by things and I'm willing to learn to deal with it. I know my stress from work and everyday life makes me short-tempered, and I know it's something I have to work on. I know I have to be mindful of my temper and stress level for my own good, and I'm willing to manage it. I wish he could do the same for himself, but I guess it's no longer my business anymore.
It's sad we can be the cutest, sweetest couple yet also the most miserable.
I think I've already gone through the phases of denial, anger, acceptance, and now I'm feeling immense sadness.
I feel very sad we cannot work out. Yes, I've accepted that we cannot work out - I wanted to work things out but I realized that our approach and attitude simply was too different. We can't even agree on what the fundamental problem is. I no longer even try to persuade him that this is worth fighting for - because I don't even want to fight for it anymore. I've tried so hard to be the positive force in the relationship, reminding both of us that we loved each other and that was something precious and worth fighting for. I'm all beaten and exhausted.
We always hear couples trying to justify the decision to stay or leave a relationship, trying to weigh the happy vs sad ratio. I realized through this relationship that it's not about how happy or sad you get - certainly we have tons of fun together when we aren't fighting - but more importantly whether you have the same attitude, approach and commitment to solving problems together. Surely you want to be able to share good times together as a couple, but if you don't even have the fundamentals to dealing with bad times, the relationship certainly is doomed.
I loved him. I loved him so much I would not walk out on him like I had done to others in the past, I loved him so much I always wanted to resolve an argument as soon as possible because I couldn't bear to stay angry at each other.
His love for me wasn't the same. His ego was bigger than anything - and certainly more important than me. He would choose to get really angry at me and stay angry - and ignore me. He wouldn't even care if I got hit by a car. He wouldn't care if he was making me cry in public, just because he was angry. To him, he has every right to be furious, because he feels provoked. So as angry as he can be, he can do anything. He would leave me on the street and walk away. He would twist my words and accuse me of personal attack. He would victimize himself in front of his family, and tell me how his parents were right about me, and how they felt sorry for his misery. Sure he is the sweetest guy in front of my friends and family, and when he isn't angry over arguments. I don't know of any couple who has no arguments whatsoever. Yet I don't know of any couple who would get this excited over a minor argument! He has the right to give me the "black face", why can't I have the right to pout?! Why is my pouting such a big deal?! Which girl doesn't pout! I didn't even yell! I just walked away and went to sleep!
I feel so sad because I really hope we can be on the same wavelength when approaching problems. I really don't mind disagreements and arguments - I really believe they are part of any relationship - but I do find it impossible to carry on a relationship when we have such fundamental differences to tackling issues. When he finally told me how his family supported him regarding his anger management "style" - it really hit me that we couldn't continue like this. He must be very happy now, finally justifying his anger, and being told he didn't do anything wrong.
I feel sorry for him. He'll never be able to be in any healthy relationship unless he is with someone who has no personality, no passion, no feelings, no point of view. I admit I get annoyed by things and I'm willing to learn to deal with it. I know my stress from work and everyday life makes me short-tempered, and I know it's something I have to work on. I know I have to be mindful of my temper and stress level for my own good, and I'm willing to manage it. I wish he could do the same for himself, but I guess it's no longer my business anymore.
It's sad we can be the cutest, sweetest couple yet also the most miserable.
Love and Hatred
I have already cut two birthday cakes, making the same wish of finding happiness, with whoever it may be whom I would be happy with. I realized I no longer insisted on making this relationship work.
I think it's becoming clear to me now that this is not the type of relationship I want. In many ways it is what I want, but in some very critical areas, it really isn't. No matter how hard I tried to change myself, be patient, be tolerant, be forgiving, be giving, it just doesn't work. It's gotten to the point where I can't even pout - apparently he and his parents believe that my pouting provokes his anger, which justifies him blowing up. They decided that I was a negative, unhappy person. Little do they know that I USED TO BE KNOWN FOR BEING CHEERFUL AND POSITIVE, before I got beaten up so bad in this relationship.
Re-reading my own blog since last year, I realize how much stress this relationship has given me. Yes, there was a lot of happiness too - but it really didn't justify the stress I had to deal with at the same time. I remember being a much happier person (overall) before. I was strong, independent, bubbly, silly, rational. I never really tried too hard to please anyone, and I had always been appreciated for being who I was. I never really fought hard with anyone.
I don't know how I can find peace within myself again. I believe I have been very angry at myself for a while already - and I just haven't been able to forgive myself. A dear friend told me she saw how I had changed myself and truly put in every effort to make the relationship work, and she was proud of me. While she hoped things could work out, she knew I couldn't do this alone. I think I have been so eager to create a lasting, meaningful relationship that I lost sight of what I wanted in the first place: a mature, loving, trusting, stable man. I find that my relationship serves as a learning experience for this person I'm with, for him to learn to become such a person. But, I don't want to help someone learn - I want someone who has ALREADY learned from his past relationships how to truly love, forgive, accept and not to let go so easily. I'm tired of all this drama. I accept that there's arguments in relationships, but I don't expect anyone to immaturely threaten to leave me every single time he's upset. Everything is like a contest in this relationship. I changed my profile picture to my solo shot - he had to immediately change his too. I got annoyed by something, he had to double my negativity. How can I politely ask a guy to be a bigger person, and not be bothered by these things?
I used to find support from this relationship, and now it's only become an additional source of stress. I deal with enough stress at work each day, the last thing I want is to come home to more stress which has been the case lately - though we didn't fight everyday, I thought about how his parents were angry at me every single day. I can't believe how lonely I feel sometimes even when we're living under the same roof. I don't feel like he's my safety net anymore - he likely will be gone from my life not long from now anyways considering how things have (not) been progressing.
I find it so ironic that I learned to love someone, but also to hate myself.
I don't know how to piece my life together again, but I know I have to somehow find a way to find myself again, to love myself, and to feel special.
I think it's becoming clear to me now that this is not the type of relationship I want. In many ways it is what I want, but in some very critical areas, it really isn't. No matter how hard I tried to change myself, be patient, be tolerant, be forgiving, be giving, it just doesn't work. It's gotten to the point where I can't even pout - apparently he and his parents believe that my pouting provokes his anger, which justifies him blowing up. They decided that I was a negative, unhappy person. Little do they know that I USED TO BE KNOWN FOR BEING CHEERFUL AND POSITIVE, before I got beaten up so bad in this relationship.
Re-reading my own blog since last year, I realize how much stress this relationship has given me. Yes, there was a lot of happiness too - but it really didn't justify the stress I had to deal with at the same time. I remember being a much happier person (overall) before. I was strong, independent, bubbly, silly, rational. I never really tried too hard to please anyone, and I had always been appreciated for being who I was. I never really fought hard with anyone.
I don't know how I can find peace within myself again. I believe I have been very angry at myself for a while already - and I just haven't been able to forgive myself. A dear friend told me she saw how I had changed myself and truly put in every effort to make the relationship work, and she was proud of me. While she hoped things could work out, she knew I couldn't do this alone. I think I have been so eager to create a lasting, meaningful relationship that I lost sight of what I wanted in the first place: a mature, loving, trusting, stable man. I find that my relationship serves as a learning experience for this person I'm with, for him to learn to become such a person. But, I don't want to help someone learn - I want someone who has ALREADY learned from his past relationships how to truly love, forgive, accept and not to let go so easily. I'm tired of all this drama. I accept that there's arguments in relationships, but I don't expect anyone to immaturely threaten to leave me every single time he's upset. Everything is like a contest in this relationship. I changed my profile picture to my solo shot - he had to immediately change his too. I got annoyed by something, he had to double my negativity. How can I politely ask a guy to be a bigger person, and not be bothered by these things?
I used to find support from this relationship, and now it's only become an additional source of stress. I deal with enough stress at work each day, the last thing I want is to come home to more stress which has been the case lately - though we didn't fight everyday, I thought about how his parents were angry at me every single day. I can't believe how lonely I feel sometimes even when we're living under the same roof. I don't feel like he's my safety net anymore - he likely will be gone from my life not long from now anyways considering how things have (not) been progressing.
I find it so ironic that I learned to love someone, but also to hate myself.
I don't know how to piece my life together again, but I know I have to somehow find a way to find myself again, to love myself, and to feel special.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
He asked me to change, to not nitpick. I agreed. However he believed his actions were all provoked by me so he didn't have a problem, he didn't need to change.
I told my brother. He asked if I wanted to be taken for granted my whole life, or I wanted my dignity back. I said I wanted my dignity.
I feel sorry for my now-ex. He is so consumed by his own monster he puts the blame on me. He will never have a happy relationship if he never allows himself not to stay angry over the tiniest things. All I ask of him is to not hold a grudge, to forgive. He decides that he needs a long time to get over his anger. Fine. I won't live with it - I don't see how I can walk on egg shelves for the rest of my life, bottling up when I am not happy about something, just so I don't get the angry treatment overnight, and be totally ignored for days until his anger goes away.
I thought this relationship would be different - that I wouldn't need to play those hard-to-get mind games just to have the upper hand. I put in everything and let him know how important he was to me, and I ended up being so taken for granted. I really thought this was the simple relationship I had longed for. I totally trusted this person and he ended up giving me up cos "I made him an angry person".
I don't know why I keep making such terrible mistakes with relationships..... When can I finally find that person who loves me unconditionally and truly puts me first, before his big ego? I came from a disfunctional family and I long to have my own warm, happy family one day. Where IS that person?
My brother said to me,"Cindy you were born special and you will never have a simple life you claim you want. You deserve someone amazing who appreciates you for who you are, and is willing to tolerate your weaknesses, not asking you to bottle up. Accept it. You are special and strong, and you will find that special someone. Now you have to find yourself again first."
I lost my home and boyfriend and his wonderful parents in one night. I do feel lost, defeated and destroyed. I'm glad I found love and support from my brother in Canada. He is also in an abusive relationship (him being abused!), and he just got out of it as the girl just couldn't change.
I told my brother. He asked if I wanted to be taken for granted my whole life, or I wanted my dignity back. I said I wanted my dignity.
I feel sorry for my now-ex. He is so consumed by his own monster he puts the blame on me. He will never have a happy relationship if he never allows himself not to stay angry over the tiniest things. All I ask of him is to not hold a grudge, to forgive. He decides that he needs a long time to get over his anger. Fine. I won't live with it - I don't see how I can walk on egg shelves for the rest of my life, bottling up when I am not happy about something, just so I don't get the angry treatment overnight, and be totally ignored for days until his anger goes away.
I thought this relationship would be different - that I wouldn't need to play those hard-to-get mind games just to have the upper hand. I put in everything and let him know how important he was to me, and I ended up being so taken for granted. I really thought this was the simple relationship I had longed for. I totally trusted this person and he ended up giving me up cos "I made him an angry person".
I don't know why I keep making such terrible mistakes with relationships..... When can I finally find that person who loves me unconditionally and truly puts me first, before his big ego? I came from a disfunctional family and I long to have my own warm, happy family one day. Where IS that person?
My brother said to me,"Cindy you were born special and you will never have a simple life you claim you want. You deserve someone amazing who appreciates you for who you are, and is willing to tolerate your weaknesses, not asking you to bottle up. Accept it. You are special and strong, and you will find that special someone. Now you have to find yourself again first."
I lost my home and boyfriend and his wonderful parents in one night. I do feel lost, defeated and destroyed. I'm glad I found love and support from my brother in Canada. He is also in an abusive relationship (him being abused!), and he just got out of it as the girl just couldn't change.
My brother and I
[I know no one reads this anymore cos I rarely update my blog, and I when I write it's mostly about sadness rather than something of discussion or educational value. Still, I have to get this out of my system.]
The hardest part about this breakup is accepting that all my dreams are shattered, and now I have to find new dreams and future.
We planned a trip to Bangkok to celebrate my birthday.
We planned a trip to Italy this September.
We planned a trip to New York this Christmas.
We just upgraded our cable channels and signed a 2-year contract.
We planned on working things out, not being angry at each other.
We planned on having a puppy someday.
We planned on supporting each other through everything.
We wanted to have a family someday.
We planned on loving each other.
I never thought that despite so much happy times together, so much connection, he would let go of me so easily. I fought so hard for this relationship, I tried so hard to forgive and accommodate, because I believed we truly loved each other so much the relationship was worth every effort to fight for.
I truly truly believed in all this, and the future of us.
For the first time in my life, I talked to my brother about my pain and suffering. I cried and cried, he had not seen me cry since I was about 10. I talked to him because I believed he could relate to my pain. I realized last night how much my childhood had scarred me. Each time Kevin got very angry, I would cry hysterically - I can still remember what it was like to peep through the keyhole of my childhood home's living room door at night with my brother, watching my parents fight... all the tears, anger, hatred, pain... It was frightening. It still frightens me. When I was four or five, I would swallow my tears while watching or hearing my parents' fights. As I grew older, I stayed in my own room doing my own thing, trying to stay out of it. My brother, on the other hand, became part of the fights.
My brother grew up becoming an angry man. He told me how he ruined his relationships and his life because of that. Our childhood still haunts him. We always thought I was the only survivor of our problematic childhood, and last night we realized I wasn't. He asked me why I would want to relive that experience for the rest of my life, why I would want to live in fear.
I told him: because I loved this person and I knew he loved and cared about me - when he was not angry - and I really wanted a future with him. I wanted to work on our problems together, and I saw that he had been trying. My brother told me how I was feeding Kevin's anger by accepting it, and letting him explode harder and harder each time. He was right. It seemed to only get worse and worse with each explosion.
I never thought I could be this close with my brother, sharing my deepest sorrow with him. I never thought he would be this mature either. I asked him whether he could talk to Kevin about his own anger experience, and he told me he wouldn't want to embarrass him unless Kevin wanted to talk to him about it. I never thought I would say this, but now I know how much my brother loves and cares about me, despite all the hatred we had towards each other during our childhood. He urged me to take control of my own life, and stay out of this relationship until Kevin sorts out his own problems - but that he would support me no matter what decision I made.
My brother confirmed my thoughts - I do have an option not to accept this in my life. Kevin's family kept telling me how to avoid provoking him, how to let him chill. Yes, I can learn to give him space, but it is not fair to me having to accept it for the rest of my life. Why should I be the target of his anger explosions just because I love him and I forgive him each time? Why me? I am just a simply girl looking for love, hoping to have my own happy home and family. I don't want my marriage to become that of my parents'. I don't want anymore anger in my home. I want to feel LOVED, not HATED.
The hardest part about this breakup is accepting that all my dreams are shattered, and now I have to find new dreams and future.
We planned a trip to Bangkok to celebrate my birthday.
We planned a trip to Italy this September.
We planned a trip to New York this Christmas.
We just upgraded our cable channels and signed a 2-year contract.
We planned on working things out, not being angry at each other.
We planned on having a puppy someday.
We planned on supporting each other through everything.
We wanted to have a family someday.
We planned on loving each other.
I never thought that despite so much happy times together, so much connection, he would let go of me so easily. I fought so hard for this relationship, I tried so hard to forgive and accommodate, because I believed we truly loved each other so much the relationship was worth every effort to fight for.
I truly truly believed in all this, and the future of us.
For the first time in my life, I talked to my brother about my pain and suffering. I cried and cried, he had not seen me cry since I was about 10. I talked to him because I believed he could relate to my pain. I realized last night how much my childhood had scarred me. Each time Kevin got very angry, I would cry hysterically - I can still remember what it was like to peep through the keyhole of my childhood home's living room door at night with my brother, watching my parents fight... all the tears, anger, hatred, pain... It was frightening. It still frightens me. When I was four or five, I would swallow my tears while watching or hearing my parents' fights. As I grew older, I stayed in my own room doing my own thing, trying to stay out of it. My brother, on the other hand, became part of the fights.
My brother grew up becoming an angry man. He told me how he ruined his relationships and his life because of that. Our childhood still haunts him. We always thought I was the only survivor of our problematic childhood, and last night we realized I wasn't. He asked me why I would want to relive that experience for the rest of my life, why I would want to live in fear.
I told him: because I loved this person and I knew he loved and cared about me - when he was not angry - and I really wanted a future with him. I wanted to work on our problems together, and I saw that he had been trying. My brother told me how I was feeding Kevin's anger by accepting it, and letting him explode harder and harder each time. He was right. It seemed to only get worse and worse with each explosion.
I never thought I could be this close with my brother, sharing my deepest sorrow with him. I never thought he would be this mature either. I asked him whether he could talk to Kevin about his own anger experience, and he told me he wouldn't want to embarrass him unless Kevin wanted to talk to him about it. I never thought I would say this, but now I know how much my brother loves and cares about me, despite all the hatred we had towards each other during our childhood. He urged me to take control of my own life, and stay out of this relationship until Kevin sorts out his own problems - but that he would support me no matter what decision I made.
My brother confirmed my thoughts - I do have an option not to accept this in my life. Kevin's family kept telling me how to avoid provoking him, how to let him chill. Yes, I can learn to give him space, but it is not fair to me having to accept it for the rest of my life. Why should I be the target of his anger explosions just because I love him and I forgive him each time? Why me? I am just a simply girl looking for love, hoping to have my own happy home and family. I don't want my marriage to become that of my parents'. I don't want anymore anger in my home. I want to feel LOVED, not HATED.
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