Saudade of the Beach

Friend was teasing me the other day about the beach-perfect weather I missed out on because I was travelling in Beijing. I was a bit upset that I had been waiting for a sunny day in the past month and when it finally arrived I was out of town. :(

This friend also posted some pictures of South Bay Beach on facebook and of course I couldn't help but check them out for a bit of saudade. Then I saw this beautiful picture of the beach taken at night - which was quite rare - and it reminded me my best memories of the beach were actually mostly evening/night-time ones despite my love of the sun. I will always always miss this view of South Bay.

Untitled

Woke up by mosquito bites at 2:30am, I had trouble going back to sleep and ended up reading some old emails and chat history with friends.....

I watched a local movie called "Happy Birthday" last night on DVD, about this girl who looks forward to birthday blessings each year from this guy she dated back in college days and is still in love (but not in a relationship) with - his blessings are to her the only confirmation of his love for her. The movie was fine but I actually liked the special features better, especially when the actors and actresses talk about their view of the story and the characters' emotional journies. The writer and main character talks about how people nowadays have become increasingly insecure in relationships, with so much going on in everyday life, so many distractions..... one grows from not knowing what he/she wants to feeling he/she is sure what he/she wants, then doubting whether something really is what he/she wants..... She finds that the older she gets, the more clueless she is about relationships.

Re-reading past emails and chat sessions with people I rarely contact these days reminded me of this movie (the special features of this movie, rather). Perhaps life is not about ultimately understanding what everything is about, but just simply enjoying, indulging in the process, the learning experience itself? Perhaps there is no such thing as THE thing or person you want, because it changes at different points in your life as a result of your life encounters? I am starting to convince myself that I know nothing, and that it is totally fine not knowing.

Expectations

Lately, I've been trying to start living my life without expectations. When I went for a walk alone last Monday, I suddenly realized why people say "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" - it's good to hope but don't expect because you set yourself up for a letdown.

We tend to expect certain things from others based on our personal experience of similar situations, or what we hear about other people's experience. We expect a decent salary rise after a very positive year-end review; the person to stick around after promising not to let you suffer alone anymore; a burnt out light bulb to be replaced after someone offered to replace it for you...

I went to see a hypnotherapist / life counsellor a few weeks ago to understand myself better and he made me realize that by believing that things are supposed to happen in certain ways as based on my interpretation of how things should happen logically, I risk setting myself up for a letdown. He was so right. He suggested that I try and live myself without expecting anything, allowing myself to think that I don't know anything and that it is alright not to know.

It's easier said than done, of course, but perhaps it is the right way to live, hoping for things to happen, but not expecting them to necessarily happen. Sort of like believing in the moment, but not allowing your mind to think ahead what may proceed.

I'm still trying to master this skill in a positive way - otherwise I may end up living without any hopes (and that's one of the saddest things in life) or I may end up trusting no one but myself because only I will never fail myself and will put my happiness first.

Makes me sleepy contemplating what is the right way to live one's life...zzzzz

Getting Ready

Can't believe another year has passed and I'm getting ready for my dragon boat race tomorrow.

This year I'm paddling with the UBC/UT team and it's much more organized than my company one. We just had our pre-race dinner, totally loaded with carbs. I just drank another bottle water to keep my body hydrated. Packed my bag for tomorrow morning:

- 3 bananas
- 3 energy bars
- 2 1.5-litre bottles of water
- shades
- uniform and cap
- towel
- inhaler
- flip flops to walk around
- gloves
- spare contact lenses
- camera
- sunblock (will be lucky if we don't have thunderstorm, not sure if sunblock will be needed)

Am so excited, and nervous. Am hoping I can do my best tomorrow. Now, going to do some stretching, get some rest, and get mentally prepared for the real thing tomorrow.

Oh, and a very important point: This year I have Kev going to the race with me to cheer for me during the first race too! :>

北京

Finally, I get to travel to a city I've never visited before in 2 weeks' time - Beijing.

It's exciting because it will be so different from anywhere else I have travelled to. I have heard so much about it, yet still have so little idea what to expect. I recall receiving text messages from a friend last year raving about some cool places in Beijing and insisting on me checking it out someday. I am really curious how I will find it.

Having said that, my trip isn't all about exploring the city, but also catching up with my friends. I have 3 friends (Marianne, Bonatto and Emin) currently living in Beijing and they are kind enough to let me stay with them. Emin lives near CBD, Marianne and Bonatto in the countryside near the Language and Culture University. I really look forward to hanging out with them and letting them "foreigners" show me their favourites in Beijing.

Alright, tomorrow I'll get a Luxe Guide and start picking the top few places I need to visit during my 4 day trip!