More on beliefs

The whole night I was thinking about "beliefs" - what I believed in, in regards to love and relationship. I asked myself whether my beliefs were flawed to begin with: have I been believing in the wrong things? Or in the wrong person? For the wrong reasons?

I re-read my blog entries - something I rarely did lately. I saw my posting on this topic last year, excerpt below:

There's a place on a faraway planet called Fantasyland. In Fantasyland, couples fall in love, and live happily ever after. They laugh, and play, and cuddle, look out for each other, go on adventures together... going to the forest to camp, going to the lake to fish, or just having picnic on the grassland. The sky is always blue, the clouds like cotton candy. The sun is warm... When it does rain, it is like colorful shooting stars and Disney fireworks! The couples are like each other's best friend, they never part, never lie, never betray or hurt each other. They protect each other and take care of each other when one falls sick. They do not question their love for each other. Whatever they do, it comes from the heart, not because of duty or obligation... Yes they do fight. Over what? Who gets the last bite of food... Who's first to warm up the bed in winter! Most importantly, they never part. Did I mention that already? Yes, they never part. They never let go, no matter what happens. There's no reason to let go. They're best friends.

I still believe a relationship is supposed to be like that (okay maybe the sky doesn't rain shooting stars and Disney fireworks), that there is nothing to fear because everything - except infidelity - can be worked out together for as long as you keep an open mind and stay positive. If you love each other, you'll protect each other.

He asked me why I still clinged onto the relationship - because I believed in the relationship, and I believed in him, that he would not let go of me and try to destroy me.

I am a person who means what she says. If I tell you I love you and I will stand by you always, I will do it. I never truly questioned those who made the same claims to me - I assumed they meant their sweet words too. Assumptions... assumptions. If it's true love, you don't walk away because it seems difficult. You just don't destroy someone like that, someone who believes in you and has shared so many happy moments with you. Tell me, how many people in the world truly truly believe in you and would be there for you every second of your life?

A year ago I wrote someone a note, telling him I forgave him for having doubts and leaving me. I only just realized that I had only meant half of it. I forgave hm for having doubts, but I would never forgive him for leaving me and breaking my heart after all those sweet words and grand gestures. Though I was thankful that he had, because afterwards I had a generally happy year with someone else.

Kev was talking about the Madoff victims yesterday, how horrible it must be for those victims to feel cheated by something they trusted. I feel exactly that.

Back to Normal

Alright, no worries, we're still together, and hoping we'll resolve our differences in more positive ways in the future.

A delightful surprise coming out of this fight was that I realized how supportive his brother was. I remembered it was his birthday today so I wrote him a short birthday note. To my surprise, he replied and mentioned that if I ever needed someone to talk to or to give another point of view, I could always talk to him. He told me some things were worth fighting for and that he understood it wasn't easy sometimes. I was so moved.

Kev of course realized he had hurt my feelings.... He got me flowers the next day, more flowers the following day, and today he surprised me with some MUJI cotton candy blocks I had mentioned to my friends a week ago over dinner. I was sooooooooooooooooo excited and taken by surprise! It was like receiving the coolest xmas gift!!!

Future

I had a lot of happy moments in the past year since I entered a supposedly serious relationship and I regret not having taken the time to write more about them, hence most postings I had seemed to be about sad moments.

There were countless times when the relationship made me feel so safe and secure despite my stressful job situation... everyday there was so much laughter joking with each other about anything one could imagine... times when I felt moved by the big steps we've taken in the relationship...

I wish I had written all those down because it would serve as proof that most things in life do not "add up". Perhaps I would never understand how a happy relationship can just end like this, because I did not want to attend his cousin's dinner invitation given short notice. How it could turn into a question of whether or not I'd be willing to spend time with his parents and his closest friend if we were to move back to New York. How he could tell me that if he had to choose between his cousin and me, he'd give me up. I thought in serious relationships people make comprises. Why is it suddenly about him versus me now? What happened to "teamwork"?

How can someone who's otherwise so loving and caring turn into such a cruel person, breaking my heart without hesitation?

How can I count on this person to go through tough times with me in the future, when we have differences in opinion?

I don't want to talk to anyone right now but I have to write this because I'm going to breakdown any second otherwise. My whole world is turned upside down, everything I ever trusted becomes a huge question mark. I trusted him as the person I wanted to have a life with, the person who would never give me up, who would work things out with me... I didn't expect such letdown.

I don't know how I can cope with this, but I'll be fine eventually, somehow. It's scary, because for a very long time I was so sure I would never have to cope with future's uncertainties alone anymore - and now I do.