Blank

My mind has been blank the past week, partly because I have been working ridiculously long hours, party because of my stomach flu, and partly because I didn't know what to think about anymore.

A mental habit is often more difficult to change than a physical, behavioural habit. I wonder if my 21-day rule applies to the mind as well. Physically, I have gotten used to occupying my whole bed again, not having kisses and hugs at all. Behaviourally, I have completely stopped expecting any emails or smses. Mentally, I have been having a lot of flashbacks but at least I have completely stopped dwelling on the emotions. Though, something still isn't right. My mind is blank most of the time - even now when I'm typing it is like bleh - without happy thoughts, excitement, anticipation, passion. It's not me. I wonder how much longer I need to float around like this before finding myself again.

What if my mind gets accustomed to being blank after 21 days?

Right now, all I want is to be on a quiet little island, alone, sitting on the beach under the sun all day staring blankly at the sea thinking about absolutely nothing. Completely switched off.

The Anatomy of Peace

The Anatomy of Peace is the book I've referred to a few times in my blog. It made a difference to my thinking and changed me in some ways, allowing peace to come into my mind and my heart in situations where I would have otherwise let my anger and pride consume me.

A true story:
Someone let me down. Really really really badly. I cried and I cried and I cried. One friend wrote me a note wishing me well and asking me not to cry too much. Another friend in S Africa told me never to mention that person's name again. I saw my best friend in Toronto online and briefly told her what had happened. I told her how angry I had been and how I had shouted at that person: I would give up my whole world for you and you are telling me you are giving me up because it seems too complicated and difficult!?

My friend empathized with my frustration and then, to my surprise, I said,"well, it's ok. I probably freaked him out when I told him I needed him to be absolutely sure this was something he wanted badly and would do everything he could to make things work because I couldn't do this alone. At least he was honest with me, and admitted that he had doubts, uncertainty and he was not ready. It's okay." I was surprised not at what I said, but how I felt when I said it. I truly meant it, and felt it, when I said "it's okay". I fully accepted that he was not ready, and I stopped dwelling on the pain and great disappointment I had been feeling.

It's really okay. Things don't always (usually) work out the way we want. People don't always (usually) walk at our pace, think as we do. That's why when we DO finally find the right match, we try not to let go easily.

My life doesn't stop here. I believe that there are more wonderful things waiting for me in my life.

I really hope you will read this book, because I trust it can make a difference to your life as well.

Voice

My dear,

I feel very sorry for you. I tried not to feel sorry, because that would make you feel even sorrier - but I have to admit I really feel very bad for you, knowing the rollercoaster you've been through, the immense pain you must be feeling right now, the doubts you may have about yourself, your dreams, your faith, your beliefs.

Allow yourself to feel all the emotions you are feeling right now, but I beg you not to allow yourself to drown in these emotions. Look around you. There are people who truly care about you, and there are more of these people whom you haven't had a chance to meet yet. You know that your life does NOT end here, there are tons of wonderful things waiting for you out there!

Yes, I know someone failed you, someone you really loved and wanted a future with. I know what you've given were real feelings, real emotions, real self, real love - but what you received was only real in that particular moment. I know you truly thought all that would last - but it didn't, it melted like cotton candy and it's the cruel truth you have to accept. All those memories meant a great deal to you, enough for you to believe the significance of that person in your life, that it was no coincidence you met - but if the other person does not have the same belief, it is useless how hopeful, how determined you are to create a future.

I look forward to seeing your smile again, your chuckles, your silliness, your mischievous deeds. Soon, you will love yourself again, and allow others to love you. In 2 months your summer will start again! How lovely!

Take care. Muitos muitos abraços fortes, beijos, e carinhos!

Young Folks

I admit I made a wrong judgement, thinking black was white.

I still believe most things in this world are black or white, with a few grey exceptions. And if one disagrees, it's because that person doesn't believe in his judgement and tries to make himself feel better by convincing himself most things are different shades of grey anyways.

No, I refuse to believe I am naive. I believe in how I feel about things, and I am not afraid of chasing my dreams. I don't doubt my dreams until they are completely crushed. And I don't believe that this thinking is naive and impractical.

Don't you dare tell me dreams are impractical.