New Blog

In case I haven't specifically notified you, I have started a new blog http://teayee.blogspot.com recently which is (finally) NOT about myself, but more about everything else around me.

Documentary of Life

Since I got my LC-A+ camera a few months ago, I started trying different types of film, and taking pictures of people, places, things around me, everything supposedly very familiar to me. This was something I never considered doing with digital cameras.

I strongly feel that digital cameras are so stable, reliable, available, accessible that we tend to take it for granted - "it" refers to both the camera and possible subjects for shots. There is no real urgency to capture a particular moment or someone in your surroundings because it seems to make little difference whether the picture is shot today or tomorrow, the output probably won't differ too much. With film, it can be very unpredictable (especially with an LC-A), you can't be 100% sure how a picture will turn out after being developed. It could be quite different from the effect you had in mind - and you won't find out until you develop the pictures yourself or get it back from the lab which may be a week or longer from the time you shot the pictures.

I have shot around 20 rolls of film in the past few months and I really love the pictures so much. Technique-wise I am still very green, but the pictures mean so much to me because they form a documentary of my life, all the little fragments that make life memorable. It's probably also the characteristics of LC-A+ pictures, the strong color saturation, the slight blur, the vignette, the unexpected light leak... that bring these pictures to life. These "flaws" make the pictures look like one's memories, unlike photos taken with digital cameras - so perfect and clear and factual... how boring!

I am glad I have these lomo pictures documenting my 2009 summer. I was taking the taxi home from the lab (stocking up on 15 rolls of Portra 400VC, Provia 400, a couple of Ektar 100 for my Italy trip) thinking about film, and feeling slight regret that there were a few friends from my past whom I had never had any pictures of/with.

Last Saturday I went to TST and saw this amazing tree, so full of life. I remember an old friend who loved trees. Note that it's grainy because I was only walking around with a free roll of ISO 800 film in a toy fisheye camera that day.












I love taking the ferry.












Clutter...

Hatred

My boss at work sent me and my work partner a note on Monday, informing us that next year we will have a joint sales target.

Immediately, my work partner started snatching all the local projects, so that he will have more local accounts to work on, giving him a more stable base for business development next year. Imagine a gimmicky supermarket promotion where the winner has one minute to run around the supermarket pushing a trolley, grabbing as many items as possible...

That was only one of the many sources of stress I get at work on a daily basis. Everyday my team of 6 come to me with problems, questions... Everyday I have to remind them to do this, do that... I have to check their work, give them feedback, make sure they are sufficiently motivated while at the same time not overload with work. Ah, not to mention my clients. I have a tobacco client who didn't want to believe the research findings, and have been wasting my team's time doing so much quality control work to check whether there has been any mistake or problem in the recruitment of respondents. And proposals too, they are neverending...

Of course, "that's work", you think to yourself. I know. That's what they pay me for.

I wake up each morning checking my work email via my phone, like preparing myself for war. I arrive at the war zone at 9am, and fight battles till around 8pm. That's my life from Monday to Friday. Realistically, I won't quit my job, as I have so many people including myself to support. Though, I must admit it used to be so comforting when he told me he'd take care of me if I had to leave my job. That was what I meant by emotional pillar. I used to feel very warm and safe when I came home. I "knew" he would protect me.

I loved him so much, for a long time I truly thought of him as my closest family. I never thought he would ever hate me so much. Whenever he got angry at me, I felt so shocked that he hated me so much.

I don't understand why he hates me so deeply, but maybe I will never understand. Perhaps he doesn't understand either. I don't know how you can hate someone who loves you so much and puts you first at all times. I feel sad, yes, but I've never hated him. I've gotten to the point where I accept his anger, and just hope that he can at least acknowledge it's not nice to be so angry at me for something so trivial, and that it's bad to be mean and aggressive.

Whatever...

Home

After a day's stress at work, all I wanted was to go home, meet with my boyfriend and talk about each other's day, have some simple food, think about some silly games to play...

Now I don't want to go home anymore. It's frustrating thinking how I have to think twice before saying something that makes him upset or defensive, and how I'd get yelled at if I point out he snapped at me or he gave me a mean stare. The thought of sleeping in separate rooms and that person in the other room so angry and hostile.

There used to be so much love and warmth in our home. There was a time when I felt safe there, and didn't have to walk on eggshells. I used to look forward to dropping all my work and rushing home to see him.

Now I don't even want to talk to him. I look forward to some positive changes but at the same time I do not believe in any changes. He agreed a week ago that he needed to work on his emotions and make me happy - then a week later he told me he had the right to anger and emotions and whatever.

I don't know where to go.

Pillar

Through connecting with my family, talking to my parents and brother, I realized how helpless I felt as a child – helpless in the sense that I couldn’t do anything to stop the deep-rooted pain and hostility in the family – and how eager I became as an adult to inspire and help people around me who were sad. I was always drawn to negative, sad, disillusioned people who seemed to need some support. In a way I have always felt a need to make people a little happier, a little more hopeful. Growing up seeing my parents live in anger, pain, suffering, I wished I could do something.

My brother wrote this to me just now,” You did the right thing in the past by staying away from trouble. I was so out of control like a mad man. The further away from me the better. However, we both have something in common at the end. The need of a family, a real family to make ourselves feel important.

Listening to you is really the least that I can do for my sister. I really hope that you can learn to remember that you actually have a brother who have just transformed back to human being. A person you can talk to. And I don't bite anymore. I have chained my demon really well somewhere he cannot hurt me or anyone again.”

As an adult, it pains me to see someone sad, and I find that I empathize with others’ sadness more than anyone else does. Observing how my parents interacted with each other, I became much more sensitive to signs of anger, impatience, hatred and sorrow. I remember a few years ago I met this young boy in the Matilda Hospital, an orphan from Mainland China sponsored by the hospital to have a major surgery. I visited him a few times a week to try and play with him. Once I was at the playground with him and his guardian from the orphanage. He was playing and suddenly stopped and quietly sat next to the guardian, asking her, “are you sad?” I talked to the guardian afterwards, who told me because of that kid’s background, he was very sensitive to people’s feelings.

I’ve been trying so hard to care about other people that I’ve forgotten about my own need for an emotional pillar. I understand now that I can’t take responsibility for everyone’s problems. I simply can’t continue like this. I remember 10 years ago I walked out of the life of a depressed person after finally taking him to the psychiatrist – I left Toronto and him after 3 years’ of emotional torture (all those sudden emotional outbreaks, letdowns, unreasonable accusations…..). I blamed myself for years after that, feeling that I had given up on him, until one day he talked to me and told me he would always remember how I had supported him through his worst times.

Last night I broke down and threw my beloved computer onto the floor, and possibly lost all my precious photos. I finally spoke to my mom and my dad (separately) for the first time in my life about their marriage and my childhood, and how I wanted them to be a bit happier, a bit more at peace with each other. I don’t know if that helped them at all, but certainly it lessened that baggage of mine. I really feel it’s time for me to find someone who can be MY pillar of love and support. I really want someone who cares about my feelings and knows that it’s bad to be mean and nasty. I’m done caring for everyone else but myself. I am very tired of lifting someone from his loneliness, sadness, whatever it might be, only to find that the person sinks again, pulls me down and blames me for his problems.

After so many years of giving, I think I deserve to be truly cherished and not taken for granted.

Fundamentals

Just let me mourne a bit longer, before I can pick myself up again and write about cheerful things around me.

I think I've already gone through the phases of denial, anger, acceptance, and now I'm feeling immense sadness.

I feel very sad we cannot work out. Yes, I've accepted that we cannot work out - I wanted to work things out but I realized that our approach and attitude simply was too different. We can't even agree on what the fundamental problem is. I no longer even try to persuade him that this is worth fighting for - because I don't even want to fight for it anymore. I've tried so hard to be the positive force in the relationship, reminding both of us that we loved each other and that was something precious and worth fighting for. I'm all beaten and exhausted.

We always hear couples trying to justify the decision to stay or leave a relationship, trying to weigh the happy vs sad ratio. I realized through this relationship that it's not about how happy or sad you get - certainly we have tons of fun together when we aren't fighting - but more importantly whether you have the same attitude, approach and commitment to solving problems together. Surely you want to be able to share good times together as a couple, but if you don't even have the fundamentals to dealing with bad times, the relationship certainly is doomed.

I loved him. I loved him so much I would not walk out on him like I had done to others in the past, I loved him so much I always wanted to resolve an argument as soon as possible because I couldn't bear to stay angry at each other.

His love for me wasn't the same. His ego was bigger than anything - and certainly more important than me. He would choose to get really angry at me and stay angry - and ignore me. He wouldn't even care if I got hit by a car. He wouldn't care if he was making me cry in public, just because he was angry. To him, he has every right to be furious, because he feels provoked. So as angry as he can be, he can do anything. He would leave me on the street and walk away. He would twist my words and accuse me of personal attack. He would victimize himself in front of his family, and tell me how his parents were right about me, and how they felt sorry for his misery. Sure he is the sweetest guy in front of my friends and family, and when he isn't angry over arguments. I don't know of any couple who has no arguments whatsoever. Yet I don't know of any couple who would get this excited over a minor argument! He has the right to give me the "black face", why can't I have the right to pout?! Why is my pouting such a big deal?! Which girl doesn't pout! I didn't even yell! I just walked away and went to sleep!

I feel so sad because I really hope we can be on the same wavelength when approaching problems. I really don't mind disagreements and arguments - I really believe they are part of any relationship - but I do find it impossible to carry on a relationship when we have such fundamental differences to tackling issues. When he finally told me how his family supported him regarding his anger management "style" - it really hit me that we couldn't continue like this. He must be very happy now, finally justifying his anger, and being told he didn't do anything wrong.

I feel sorry for him. He'll never be able to be in any healthy relationship unless he is with someone who has no personality, no passion, no feelings, no point of view. I admit I get annoyed by things and I'm willing to learn to deal with it. I know my stress from work and everyday life makes me short-tempered, and I know it's something I have to work on. I know I have to be mindful of my temper and stress level for my own good, and I'm willing to manage it. I wish he could do the same for himself, but I guess it's no longer my business anymore.

It's sad we can be the cutest, sweetest couple yet also the most miserable.

Love and Hatred

I have already cut two birthday cakes, making the same wish of finding happiness, with whoever it may be whom I would be happy with. I realized I no longer insisted on making this relationship work.

I think it's becoming clear to me now that this is not the type of relationship I want. In many ways it is what I want, but in some very critical areas, it really isn't. No matter how hard I tried to change myself, be patient, be tolerant, be forgiving, be giving, it just doesn't work. It's gotten to the point where I can't even pout - apparently he and his parents believe that my pouting provokes his anger, which justifies him blowing up. They decided that I was a negative, unhappy person. Little do they know that I USED TO BE KNOWN FOR BEING CHEERFUL AND POSITIVE, before I got beaten up so bad in this relationship.

Re-reading my own blog since last year, I realize how much stress this relationship has given me. Yes, there was a lot of happiness too - but it really didn't justify the stress I had to deal with at the same time. I remember being a much happier person (overall) before. I was strong, independent, bubbly, silly, rational. I never really tried too hard to please anyone, and I had always been appreciated for being who I was. I never really fought hard with anyone.

I don't know how I can find peace within myself again. I believe I have been very angry at myself for a while already - and I just haven't been able to forgive myself. A dear friend told me she saw how I had changed myself and truly put in every effort to make the relationship work, and she was proud of me. While she hoped things could work out, she knew I couldn't do this alone. I think I have been so eager to create a lasting, meaningful relationship that I lost sight of what I wanted in the first place: a mature, loving, trusting, stable man. I find that my relationship serves as a learning experience for this person I'm with, for him to learn to become such a person. But, I don't want to help someone learn - I want someone who has ALREADY learned from his past relationships how to truly love, forgive, accept and not to let go so easily. I'm tired of all this drama. I accept that there's arguments in relationships, but I don't expect anyone to immaturely threaten to leave me every single time he's upset. Everything is like a contest in this relationship. I changed my profile picture to my solo shot - he had to immediately change his too. I got annoyed by something, he had to double my negativity. How can I politely ask a guy to be a bigger person, and not be bothered by these things?

I used to find support from this relationship, and now it's only become an additional source of stress. I deal with enough stress at work each day, the last thing I want is to come home to more stress which has been the case lately - though we didn't fight everyday, I thought about how his parents were angry at me every single day. I can't believe how lonely I feel sometimes even when we're living under the same roof. I don't feel like he's my safety net anymore - he likely will be gone from my life not long from now anyways considering how things have (not) been progressing.

I find it so ironic that I learned to love someone, but also to hate myself.

I don't know how to piece my life together again, but I know I have to somehow find a way to find myself again, to love myself, and to feel special.

He asked me to change, to not nitpick. I agreed. However he believed his actions were all provoked by me so he didn't have a problem, he didn't need to change.

I told my brother. He asked if I wanted to be taken for granted my whole life, or I wanted my dignity back. I said I wanted my dignity.

I feel sorry for my now-ex. He is so consumed by his own monster he puts the blame on me. He will never have a happy relationship if he never allows himself not to stay angry over the tiniest things. All I ask of him is to not hold a grudge, to forgive. He decides that he needs a long time to get over his anger. Fine. I won't live with it - I don't see how I can walk on egg shelves for the rest of my life, bottling up when I am not happy about something, just so I don't get the angry treatment overnight, and be totally ignored for days until his anger goes away.

I thought this relationship would be different - that I wouldn't need to play those hard-to-get mind games just to have the upper hand. I put in everything and let him know how important he was to me, and I ended up being so taken for granted. I really thought this was the simple relationship I had longed for. I totally trusted this person and he ended up giving me up cos "I made him an angry person".

I don't know why I keep making such terrible mistakes with relationships..... When can I finally find that person who loves me unconditionally and truly puts me first, before his big ego? I came from a disfunctional family and I long to have my own warm, happy family one day. Where IS that person?

My brother said to me,"Cindy you were born special and you will never have a simple life you claim you want. You deserve someone amazing who appreciates you for who you are, and is willing to tolerate your weaknesses, not asking you to bottle up. Accept it. You are special and strong, and you will find that special someone. Now you have to find yourself again first."

I lost my home and boyfriend and his wonderful parents in one night. I do feel lost, defeated and destroyed. I'm glad I found love and support from my brother in Canada. He is also in an abusive relationship (him being abused!), and he just got out of it as the girl just couldn't change.

My brother and I

[I know no one reads this anymore cos I rarely update my blog, and I when I write it's mostly about sadness rather than something of discussion or educational value. Still, I have to get this out of my system.]

The hardest part about this breakup is accepting that all my dreams are shattered, and now I have to find new dreams and future.

We planned a trip to Bangkok to celebrate my birthday.
We planned a trip to Italy this September.
We planned a trip to New York this Christmas.
We just upgraded our cable channels and signed a 2-year contract.
We planned on working things out, not being angry at each other.
We planned on having a puppy someday.
We planned on supporting each other through everything.
We wanted to have a family someday.
We planned on loving each other.

I never thought that despite so much happy times together, so much connection, he would let go of me so easily. I fought so hard for this relationship, I tried so hard to forgive and accommodate, because I believed we truly loved each other so much the relationship was worth every effort to fight for.

I truly truly believed in all this, and the future of us.

For the first time in my life, I talked to my brother about my pain and suffering. I cried and cried, he had not seen me cry since I was about 10. I talked to him because I believed he could relate to my pain. I realized last night how much my childhood had scarred me. Each time Kevin got very angry, I would cry hysterically - I can still remember what it was like to peep through the keyhole of my childhood home's living room door at night with my brother, watching my parents fight... all the tears, anger, hatred, pain... It was frightening. It still frightens me. When I was four or five, I would swallow my tears while watching or hearing my parents' fights. As I grew older, I stayed in my own room doing my own thing, trying to stay out of it. My brother, on the other hand, became part of the fights.

My brother grew up becoming an angry man. He told me how he ruined his relationships and his life because of that. Our childhood still haunts him. We always thought I was the only survivor of our problematic childhood, and last night we realized I wasn't. He asked me why I would want to relive that experience for the rest of my life, why I would want to live in fear.

I told him: because I loved this person and I knew he loved and cared about me - when he was not angry - and I really wanted a future with him. I wanted to work on our problems together, and I saw that he had been trying. My brother told me how I was feeding Kevin's anger by accepting it, and letting him explode harder and harder each time. He was right. It seemed to only get worse and worse with each explosion.

I never thought I could be this close with my brother, sharing my deepest sorrow with him. I never thought he would be this mature either. I asked him whether he could talk to Kevin about his own anger experience, and he told me he wouldn't want to embarrass him unless Kevin wanted to talk to him about it. I never thought I would say this, but now I know how much my brother loves and cares about me, despite all the hatred we had towards each other during our childhood. He urged me to take control of my own life, and stay out of this relationship until Kevin sorts out his own problems - but that he would support me no matter what decision I made.

My brother confirmed my thoughts - I do have an option not to accept this in my life. Kevin's family kept telling me how to avoid provoking him, how to let him chill. Yes, I can learn to give him space, but it is not fair to me having to accept it for the rest of my life. Why should I be the target of his anger explosions just because I love him and I forgive him each time? Why me? I am just a simply girl looking for love, hoping to have my own happy home and family. I don't want my marriage to become that of my parents'. I don't want anymore anger in my home. I want to feel LOVED, not HATED.

Parent-Daughter

Many of my friends know that I don't see my parents very much, even though they live in Hong Kong. I usually explain that my family members are all very independent and we don't seem to have this need or habit to see each other frequently in order to feel close. This is true, yet I realized last night that there was more to it.

My parents tend to have this perception that if their daughter is always busy at work and travelling, it must be that everything is going well for her whether in career or in relationship. They believe that their daughter is very tough, and nothing/ no one can harm her. In view of recent 1.5 years still meeting up with them with the same boyfriend, they probably think that her relationship is a happy and healthy one, and marriage is a pretty definite plan down the road.

I don't want to burst the bubble. I don't want to break the news to them, that their daughter does not live a perfect, fairytale life. That life is just as cruel to her as everyone else. When I visit my parents, I tell them about my trips and other things that aren't too personal. I don't want to let them down.

I remember when I was only 3 or 4, my mom was going through a very tough phase and was in a depressive state, telling me her problems, and telling me to find a man who truly loves me and cares about me when I grow up. I was too young to understand fully what she was saying, but I knew she was in great pain and suffering. All I could do was cry and nod, to indicate I understood. Now that I am a grown-up and my mom is like a cheerful, bubbly little kid most days, I can't bear to do a reverse role play to her. I can't tell her how much burden I'm feeling, how much stress I get from work, how much worries I have over my relationship and my future.

No Title

Had a chat with an old friend a few weeks ago and we both mentioned how we missed listening to music together, sipping liqueur, exchanging thoughts on life.

I miss such quality time spent with friends or loved ones, enjoying the companionship and moment, connecting with each other. Now it's all about doing things, going somewhere, meeting someone. I feel disconnected. When was the last time I stayed home to listen to music with someone? When was the last time I sat on the pontoon with someone watching sunset? When was the last time someone looked at me in an admiring way? When was the last time I enjoyed the pleasures of cooking with someone?

I have been wondering what life would be like if such simple pleasures could never be experienced again. The thought scared me. It scared me even more when I realized that lately I had stopped going on strolls in the neighborhood, getting desserts, grocery shopping, playing scrabble, replaced by having dinner at 9pm, going to sleep at 10:30pm.

The scariest part was not not the current pattern - as patterns could change if one wanted them to - but being thought of as "crazy" for wanting slightly more out of everyday life.

I Shoot Film!

Life is not the same after having my Lomo LCA+.
Still experimenting with the focus, the wide angle lens, the flash (didn't work too well), different film - but so far it's been loads of fun and a great learning process.
Click on the collage to see more clearly:

Dressmaker

In my opinion, two of the most important people in a girl's life are:
1. Lifetime partner
2. Personal designer/ dressmaker.

I'm fortunate enough to have found my personal dressmaker (before she becomes unaffordably famous), who's been making me beautiful clothes since last October when I needed a special gown for an unusual wedding.

A really good personal dressmaker makes a girl feel so special with one-of-a-kind, flattering outfits made especially for her, tailored to her curves (or thelackof), suited to her style. Mind you, custom-making a dress actually costs a lot less than buying a nice one off-the-rack.

That feeling of specialness is so addictive I recently started asking Hannah (oh yes, my dressmaker has a name!) to make me some everyday wear.

Here's her sketches to give me some ideas for a very simple skirt (to wear with my many tank tops), and a very simple floral dress: (Note the hairstyle!)



And here's some more pictures of clothes she made me:



























Black and purple waist-band made instead of the yellow one below...

Sad night in Jakarta

Recently, many unfortunate things happened to people I care about.

An old friend of mine, Carlos, was diagnosed with cancer about 1.5 years ago. After treatments and a number of operations he thought he recovered and came back to Hong Kong (from Brasil) for a visit. By chance I bumped into him and his wife on the street one night as I was leaving the hair salon. He saw me walking by and called my name. I stared at him and couldn't recognize him at first, as he had lost his hair and Brazilian tan after all the cancer treatments. Still, he looked happy and healthy, and I was sooooooooooooooooooooo happy to see him and Cibele (his wife), as well as Joyce, a common friend. We arranged to have dinner together 2 weeks later to catch up. I was planning to book Bistro Manchu, their favourite restaurant in Hong Kong, only to find out a few days before the dinner that Carlos found out his cancer came back. The only chance to save his life is going to the States to be treated by Dr Einhorn, the best in this area (germinative cancer).

Since the news, his friends in Hong Kong started getting people to donate money to fund his medical fees, as he would need some 300K USD to start the treatment. His insurance plan could not cover medical treatment in US. After about a week or so, he raised some 81K USD, still far from the 300K target.

All friends have already posted his blog link to facebook, getting other friends to donate money. I did the same a few times, and also donated what I could afford. I really wish there was more I could do to help. I feel so sad for him, Cibele and their baby girl, Julia. I still remember the 2nd last time I had seen him was at the Paris airport - running into each other taking the same flights from Brasil to Paris, Paris to Hong Kong. It must be destiny I ran into him in Central again last month.... I hope I will run into him once again in the future after he recovers - and he HAS to recover from this as he is such a great person with the kindest heart.

If you have time, check out his blog friends created to help generate awareness: Save Carlos Sales . He also posted a few notes.

--------------------
Separately, today I learned of some other news about another friend of mine, who worked with me for years and is like a younger sister to me. Without getting into details, she was unfairly, wrongfully terminated from her job a week after her resignation.

I felt so angry and sad the whole day. In a way I felt guilty I had left TNS, and she had no one to stand up for her. If I had been around, I wouldn't have let anyone treat her with such cruelty and unfairness. I only learned about the termination from my boss, and I myself guessed (correctly) the reason for termination.

The corporate world is so cruel and cold-blooded. And it's not the company which is cruel but the people running it. Those people conveniently forget how some people devoted 5 years to the company and its clients, endless late nights to ensure prompt delivery of research service! How can any person with a heart be so ungrateful?! I still feel so disturbed by what happened that I want to send an email to my ex-bosses, asking them HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?

I'm on business trip in Jakarta and feeling incredibly sad in my hotel room.

Dragon Boat

Lately I've been extremely busy with work and dragonboating, so haven't had time to update my blog.

I've already had 9 practices (including a pre-race on May 1) since end of March, with Credit Suisse team. It's really fantastic to be paddling for the 3rd year now, and this year with a more serious team. I did feel a bit of pressure at first, getting back into shape after months of zero exercise, but in the past few practices, I felt myself progressing well - adjusting my form so that I could use more of my back muscles, and as a result be able to save energy for longer and more powerful strokes.

I have also been blessed with Kevin paddling with me, exchanging links to dragonboat-related articles, sharing our thoughts on team/self performance... Like only this year I really started to rotate more of my body, but I realized that I did not always de-rotate/ untwist my torso during the Pull phase in order to maximize the power of the pull...

Anyways, I gotta get ready for my practice tomorrow morning (10am for Sundays, 9am for Saturdays), so I will leave my other thoughts on this subject for next time.

Lomo LCA+

Just came back from Boracay, where Kev and I took some 81 pictures using disposable cameras because his digital camera broke. Pictures came out surprisingly nice, and with a lomo feel:



I had always wanted to get a proper lomo camera and this made me want it even more. So I talked to my friend Fresco in Taiwan, and he highly recommended LCA+ which he had as well.

I thought about it for a few days and not quite sure if it was worth the price (it's about $2000+, almost as much as a low-end digital camera)... until I was forwarded the following link to someone's flickr photoset, shot with this camera (he may have added color filter though), and I immediately wanted to get one!! Check it out.

I really like lomography because it makes memories of the things you saw so much more beautiful, colorful, dreamy, not just the raw sight of things as they appeared.

Truth about Me

I'm thinking....

I'm not really ashamed to say that...

No material goods can make me feel as great as floating in the sea with the sun shining on my face...

I really would give up everything for love, true love that is...

I never really strived to be number one - always number two (less pressure/ expectations)...

I am terrible at hiding my emotions - my facial expressions always betray me...

I am full of pride and am very sensitive about being disrespected...

I can be really hot-tempered when provoked...

I am very quick to admit my faults and apologize...

I secretly enjoy bossing around...

I am extremely terrible with names...

I have a tendency to forget EVERYTHING I read, even some of my favourite books...

In past two years I started more than 8 books but didn't finish any...

I still pray that one day I would be able to fall asleep without any dreams at all...

I am such a princess when it comes to booking accommodations for trips (and I stress myself out trying to find the best value for money)...

I feel very uneasy hanging out in large groups unless they are all my closest friends...

I have not done housework for a very long time...

I secretly enjoy getting subtle attention...

I still have trouble drinking 1.5L of water a day unless it's Evian and I have dragon boat training that day...

I have a tendency to update my blog in the middle of the night when I am half asleep...

More on beliefs

The whole night I was thinking about "beliefs" - what I believed in, in regards to love and relationship. I asked myself whether my beliefs were flawed to begin with: have I been believing in the wrong things? Or in the wrong person? For the wrong reasons?

I re-read my blog entries - something I rarely did lately. I saw my posting on this topic last year, excerpt below:

There's a place on a faraway planet called Fantasyland. In Fantasyland, couples fall in love, and live happily ever after. They laugh, and play, and cuddle, look out for each other, go on adventures together... going to the forest to camp, going to the lake to fish, or just having picnic on the grassland. The sky is always blue, the clouds like cotton candy. The sun is warm... When it does rain, it is like colorful shooting stars and Disney fireworks! The couples are like each other's best friend, they never part, never lie, never betray or hurt each other. They protect each other and take care of each other when one falls sick. They do not question their love for each other. Whatever they do, it comes from the heart, not because of duty or obligation... Yes they do fight. Over what? Who gets the last bite of food... Who's first to warm up the bed in winter! Most importantly, they never part. Did I mention that already? Yes, they never part. They never let go, no matter what happens. There's no reason to let go. They're best friends.

I still believe a relationship is supposed to be like that (okay maybe the sky doesn't rain shooting stars and Disney fireworks), that there is nothing to fear because everything - except infidelity - can be worked out together for as long as you keep an open mind and stay positive. If you love each other, you'll protect each other.

He asked me why I still clinged onto the relationship - because I believed in the relationship, and I believed in him, that he would not let go of me and try to destroy me.

I am a person who means what she says. If I tell you I love you and I will stand by you always, I will do it. I never truly questioned those who made the same claims to me - I assumed they meant their sweet words too. Assumptions... assumptions. If it's true love, you don't walk away because it seems difficult. You just don't destroy someone like that, someone who believes in you and has shared so many happy moments with you. Tell me, how many people in the world truly truly believe in you and would be there for you every second of your life?

A year ago I wrote someone a note, telling him I forgave him for having doubts and leaving me. I only just realized that I had only meant half of it. I forgave hm for having doubts, but I would never forgive him for leaving me and breaking my heart after all those sweet words and grand gestures. Though I was thankful that he had, because afterwards I had a generally happy year with someone else.

Kev was talking about the Madoff victims yesterday, how horrible it must be for those victims to feel cheated by something they trusted. I feel exactly that.

Back to Normal

Alright, no worries, we're still together, and hoping we'll resolve our differences in more positive ways in the future.

A delightful surprise coming out of this fight was that I realized how supportive his brother was. I remembered it was his birthday today so I wrote him a short birthday note. To my surprise, he replied and mentioned that if I ever needed someone to talk to or to give another point of view, I could always talk to him. He told me some things were worth fighting for and that he understood it wasn't easy sometimes. I was so moved.

Kev of course realized he had hurt my feelings.... He got me flowers the next day, more flowers the following day, and today he surprised me with some MUJI cotton candy blocks I had mentioned to my friends a week ago over dinner. I was sooooooooooooooooo excited and taken by surprise! It was like receiving the coolest xmas gift!!!

Future

I had a lot of happy moments in the past year since I entered a supposedly serious relationship and I regret not having taken the time to write more about them, hence most postings I had seemed to be about sad moments.

There were countless times when the relationship made me feel so safe and secure despite my stressful job situation... everyday there was so much laughter joking with each other about anything one could imagine... times when I felt moved by the big steps we've taken in the relationship...

I wish I had written all those down because it would serve as proof that most things in life do not "add up". Perhaps I would never understand how a happy relationship can just end like this, because I did not want to attend his cousin's dinner invitation given short notice. How it could turn into a question of whether or not I'd be willing to spend time with his parents and his closest friend if we were to move back to New York. How he could tell me that if he had to choose between his cousin and me, he'd give me up. I thought in serious relationships people make comprises. Why is it suddenly about him versus me now? What happened to "teamwork"?

How can someone who's otherwise so loving and caring turn into such a cruel person, breaking my heart without hesitation?

How can I count on this person to go through tough times with me in the future, when we have differences in opinion?

I don't want to talk to anyone right now but I have to write this because I'm going to breakdown any second otherwise. My whole world is turned upside down, everything I ever trusted becomes a huge question mark. I trusted him as the person I wanted to have a life with, the person who would never give me up, who would work things out with me... I didn't expect such letdown.

I don't know how I can cope with this, but I'll be fine eventually, somehow. It's scary, because for a very long time I was so sure I would never have to cope with future's uncertainties alone anymore - and now I do.