What Role Will You Play?

I wish I could have a little device that tells me what role each person will play in my life.

Lifetime friend?
Mentor?
Life partner?
2-month fling?
Unforgettable lover?
Time-filler?
Psychotic stalker trying to steal my life and identity?
Good friend who will hold my hand through hard times?
Someone who will bring out the best in me?
Someone who will bring me lots of laughter?
Fairweather friend?
No particular role?
.....

My question really is: How can I have faith in someone to love me the best he can, to want me to love him the best I can, to really want to play a significant role in my life and vice versa?

If someone asked me that, I would say: My dear, faith is about trusting without needing proof. It's a gut feel so strong you just believe and not question.

Koka-Bear

Last week I bumped into a pup that looked like a bear on the street. It was adorable!!! I played with him and found out that his sister and he were from the dog rescue and the sis was looking for a home.

The foster parent of the puppy emailed me picture of the sister and my heart melted - it was a little black "bear", looked really cute and sweet. I was all ready to adopt her and was arranging to meet with her when I was told she had just been adopted by someone else.

I am feeling so sad now. For half a day, I was convinced she would become a part of my life. All my friends were very excited about Koka-Bear (her name's Koka, and I decided recently that my future puppy would be called Bear) asking me when I would be getting her, looking forward to playing with her. Now I feel like I've got a miscarriage, and my baby's gone.

*CRY*

Sunshine memories

A Brazilian friend messaged me and said she had been thinking of me because it was summer in Brazil. You know what an honor that was, coming from a Brazilian!?!

LOL. I do miss the sun terribly terribly!!! I miss every single memory I have related to the sun and the beach! Those who used to go to the beach with me.

Box

I remember half a year ago I had a hypnosis session asking the healer to help me take away that immense pain in my heart, that block in my throat I was feeling after my then boyfriend and I separated. The hypnotist kept telling me to visualize and feel that pain and block to its full, then visualize myself putting it into a box, locking it, putting it down on the ground, and slowly walking away from it, saying goodbye. I did what he told me to, and I was healed.

This morning, when I woke up, I recalled this experience, and I cried and I cried and I cried. I realized that with the other person, I had put the pain, the memories and all the feelings in a box - but I had been carrying that box with me wherever I went. Whenever I thought of that person, I would dismiss that thought and think about something else. Yet, such thoughts have been popping up all the time, like flies buzzing around my head. I know I need to put the box down, bury it somewhere at some point.

I am now starting to remind myself: How can you not put the box down, when that person thinks it's a mistake falling in love with you, that it's naive to want to be with you?

I don't want to be anyone's mistake.
.....................................

I went on a date today, and just now the guy called me and asked how I could manage to try and love someone (not necessarily him) again without being afraid of getting hurt again. I said,"there is no guarantee I won't have my heart crushed again, but if I never try again, I will never experience love again, and my life will never have a chance to be complete. I fall, I lift myself up, and I try again.... Emm... and yes, I may fall again... and repeat the process (haha) until finally I can stand still with someone for a long time and be truly happy."

He replied,"I knew you would have a good answer."

Mental Debate

I have not been writing lately, or I have been writing then deleting what I had written , because I feel that this is the beginning of the new year - I should stop indulging in my sad feelings, my broken heart, my shattered hopes!

I have been making very good progress - sharing my life with new friends, going on dates, meeting people, looking after myself, trying to bring some sunshine to people who need it. Though, someone pointed out that I seemed to be relaxing my principles these days, like I have given up on my ideals. Perhaps distractions are what I need right now? Or perhaps one really shouldn't try to reach for the ideal because...

No, I still am not convinced that searching for the ideal is pointless and will always end in disappointment! True, something/one I found very precious failed me - but I refuse to believe that it is a fact of life! I will be living very very happily again, and I will continue my pursuit no matter what!

For now, allow me to enjoy some harmless distractions, while I regain my composure.