Faith

Friday night I dreamed of everything going back to normal and I had the best weekend of my life. Waking up from that dream on Saturday morning, my first thought was: ah crap, just a dream! Ha sucks doesn't it, imagine you dream of a really relaxing vacation and when you wake up it's Monday morning getting-ready-for-work time!!

It's become a habit now, waking up in the midde of the night (3am) and early in the morning (6am), each time instinctively checking my phone if there was text message saying "let's not throw this away, let's work at it" or simply "can I come over". I don't cry anymore, I think it's started to sink in. Afterall, there was nothing I could do at this point.

I met up with a friend over drinks and chicha (something I hadn't done for a while). She asked me what was going to happen to the long-anticipated NY/Orlando/Toronto trip, whether I would watch his match on Sunday night, whether I believed he would come back..... I told her,"as much as I wish there's more I could do, say, offer, it's really not up to me to decide if he wants to just give it up and not deal with the issue - whatever it maybe. I can be as optimisitic as possble, as always, but I can't be only the believer in us."

I remember I once said this to someone,"you know what, I am very glad I don't have to put up with this anymore, always trying to convince you why it was stupid to fight about those little things, why we shouldn't get angry about things because it really hurt the relationship, why we shouldn't lose faith in each other so hastily. I'm very sick and tired of that role!"

It does feel very lonely to be the only person still having faith in something. You try your best to convince others, and after so many attempts, your faith wanes as well.

Expiry

I finished my report very quickly and decided to take half day leave / sick leave to see the doctor and rest.

I spent an hour at the beach, which had never looked prettier - just a hint of whitish mist in front of the hilly backdrop, over the greenish calm water, with a bright peach-pink sun about to set. I felt sad though, knowing it was my last beach visit for the year as fall has already arrived.

I went to my neighborhood supermarket hoping to start taking good care of myself and feeding myself. I ended up with:
- a bag of toilet rolls - the brand that fits into my toilet roll holder
- 4 boxes of Kleenex
- very green bananas
- unripe dragon fruits
- a lotus flower
- a carton of apple juice
- a carton of soya bean milk
- dried dates
- butter - because he had left my fridge door open a month ago and my butter had turned bad
- 12 bottles of 1.5L Evian water
- 3 ears of sweet corn
- 2 small starfruit sorbets

Now I'm sitting here hungry, cos I can't cook with any of these. Just a month ago, when I was doing the same shopping trip, I used to buy red meat, vegetables, potatos, spices to cook for both of us. This time, I pushed the cart around the supermarket aimlessly and had no idea what I could cook for myself. When I was in a relationship, I could try to get us both to eat right, cooking broccoli, soup, beef slices, fried eggs with mushrooms or tomatoes, pan fried salmon (which was a disaster).... There was the common goal to make each other healthier. Now I'm on my own again, and I completely lost the motivation to live healthily.

It sucks to be alone, unless you're starting to see other people. We were both happy living together for months. I don't know why he's been struggling to set himself free lately. I suppose I need to keep reminding myself not to ask why, since it's already a fact that he pushed me away and now he got what he wanted.

He hasn't even been reading my blog in the past few months. Perhaps there was an expiry date on the relationship, of eight months, only the sticker had fallen off and I hadn't realized.

Fantasyland

There's a place on a faraway planet called Fantasyland. In Fantasyland, couples fall in love, and live happily ever after. They laugh, and play, and cuddle, look out for each other, go on adventures together... going to the forest to camp, going to the lake to fish, or just having picnic on the grassland. The sky is always blue, the clouds like cotton candy. The sun is warm... When it does rain, it is like colorful shooting stars and Disney fireworks! The couples are like each other's best friend, they never part, never lie, never betray or hurt each other. They protect each other and take care of each other when one falls sick. They do not question their love for each other. Whatever they do, it comes from the heart, not because of duty or obligation... Yes they do fight. Over what? Who gets the last bite of food... Who's first to warm up the bed in winter! Most importantly, they never part. Did I mention that already? Yes, they never part. They never let go, no matter what happens. There's no reason to let go. They're best friends.

I left my Fantasyland and I cried and I cried and I cried, like a baby just feeling the need to cry, without thinking what she's crying over. And I am crying again... I was led to believe such a relationship exists, and I was living it. When two people cared so much about each other, and had so much laughs and happy moments together, what could pull them apart? The "I" factor? "I" want this, "I" want that, "I" am more important than "you", "I" am more important than "we"?

I know this is the reality but I don't want to accept it just yet, not now. I thought he'd always been a "we" person but perhaps, he never was. Pls let me fall asleep and never wake up again. I don't want to live in this cruel world.

A Beautiful Mess

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shouted cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, Here we are
Here we are
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

Through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds, out of this earth
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.

Screw teamwork

I think teamwork is way overrated.

At work, I assumed different teams should work together towards a common goal. In reality, each player often cares about his or her own self-interest and only tries to reach the minimum level required at most, depending on his or her priorities, not really trying to help one another out. Lots of times, I see people not showing a sense of responsibility for the overall success.

In relationships, I assumed that a couple should be a team, looking out for each other, making decisions best for the team. In reality, sometimes one person makes decisions without considering the other person's wishes or interests, or even feels like the partner is bringing him/her down, making him/her look bad. Of course, partner jumping ship is also not uncommon.

It really frustrates me, because I really have been naive enough to really believe in collective interest and I honestly dare say that I have made a lot of personal sacrifices for the better good of the "team", both at work and in relationships. When I challenge these people, I often hear them say "oh but I have done A, B, and C for the team". What about incidents D and E where your actions proved otherwise?

The way the world functions really confuses me, and my head is now spinning. Why can't we STOP forming teams and just do things out of self-interest? Why can't we have more small / boutique companies instead of large multinationals with mutiple teams? Why should there be marriage and relationship when clearly the system doesn't work, as proven by the high divorce rate. At the end of the day, people are driven by self-interest. People are born to be selfish. They want to do what they like, what makes them happy.

I feel like a confused teenager asking all these rhetorical questions.

Alone Again, Naturally

I'm becoming more and more convinced that some people are meant to be single, no matter how much they want to be in a normal relationship. Perhaps some people have personality traits that make them difficult to be with, as partners?

I'm increasingly convinced that I'm one of those people. I've tried very very hard to share, to love, to accommodate, to accept, but I'm still not happy when little things go wrong because they remind me how much effort it took to have a simple relationship without soap opera drama anymore.

I've been looking for someone to walk with me at more or less the same pace, in more or less the same direction - only to finally realize that I do walk (and occasionally skip, hop, run) at varying paces, and I change directions as I wish. It's difficult for me to continuously follow someone's standard pace in a single direction, and it's even more difficult for someone to try and follow mine.

I don't know what to do, "knowing" that I'm probably among 1% of the population meant to live alone.