Future

I had a lot of happy moments in the past year since I entered a supposedly serious relationship and I regret not having taken the time to write more about them, hence most postings I had seemed to be about sad moments.

There were countless times when the relationship made me feel so safe and secure despite my stressful job situation... everyday there was so much laughter joking with each other about anything one could imagine... times when I felt moved by the big steps we've taken in the relationship...

I wish I had written all those down because it would serve as proof that most things in life do not "add up". Perhaps I would never understand how a happy relationship can just end like this, because I did not want to attend his cousin's dinner invitation given short notice. How it could turn into a question of whether or not I'd be willing to spend time with his parents and his closest friend if we were to move back to New York. How he could tell me that if he had to choose between his cousin and me, he'd give me up. I thought in serious relationships people make comprises. Why is it suddenly about him versus me now? What happened to "teamwork"?

How can someone who's otherwise so loving and caring turn into such a cruel person, breaking my heart without hesitation?

How can I count on this person to go through tough times with me in the future, when we have differences in opinion?

I don't want to talk to anyone right now but I have to write this because I'm going to breakdown any second otherwise. My whole world is turned upside down, everything I ever trusted becomes a huge question mark. I trusted him as the person I wanted to have a life with, the person who would never give me up, who would work things out with me... I didn't expect such letdown.

I don't know how I can cope with this, but I'll be fine eventually, somehow. It's scary, because for a very long time I was so sure I would never have to cope with future's uncertainties alone anymore - and now I do.