More on beliefs

The whole night I was thinking about "beliefs" - what I believed in, in regards to love and relationship. I asked myself whether my beliefs were flawed to begin with: have I been believing in the wrong things? Or in the wrong person? For the wrong reasons?

I re-read my blog entries - something I rarely did lately. I saw my posting on this topic last year, excerpt below:

There's a place on a faraway planet called Fantasyland. In Fantasyland, couples fall in love, and live happily ever after. They laugh, and play, and cuddle, look out for each other, go on adventures together... going to the forest to camp, going to the lake to fish, or just having picnic on the grassland. The sky is always blue, the clouds like cotton candy. The sun is warm... When it does rain, it is like colorful shooting stars and Disney fireworks! The couples are like each other's best friend, they never part, never lie, never betray or hurt each other. They protect each other and take care of each other when one falls sick. They do not question their love for each other. Whatever they do, it comes from the heart, not because of duty or obligation... Yes they do fight. Over what? Who gets the last bite of food... Who's first to warm up the bed in winter! Most importantly, they never part. Did I mention that already? Yes, they never part. They never let go, no matter what happens. There's no reason to let go. They're best friends.

I still believe a relationship is supposed to be like that (okay maybe the sky doesn't rain shooting stars and Disney fireworks), that there is nothing to fear because everything - except infidelity - can be worked out together for as long as you keep an open mind and stay positive. If you love each other, you'll protect each other.

He asked me why I still clinged onto the relationship - because I believed in the relationship, and I believed in him, that he would not let go of me and try to destroy me.

I am a person who means what she says. If I tell you I love you and I will stand by you always, I will do it. I never truly questioned those who made the same claims to me - I assumed they meant their sweet words too. Assumptions... assumptions. If it's true love, you don't walk away because it seems difficult. You just don't destroy someone like that, someone who believes in you and has shared so many happy moments with you. Tell me, how many people in the world truly truly believe in you and would be there for you every second of your life?

A year ago I wrote someone a note, telling him I forgave him for having doubts and leaving me. I only just realized that I had only meant half of it. I forgave hm for having doubts, but I would never forgive him for leaving me and breaking my heart after all those sweet words and grand gestures. Though I was thankful that he had, because afterwards I had a generally happy year with someone else.

Kev was talking about the Madoff victims yesterday, how horrible it must be for those victims to feel cheated by something they trusted. I feel exactly that.