Faith

Friday night I dreamed of everything going back to normal and I had the best weekend of my life. Waking up from that dream on Saturday morning, my first thought was: ah crap, just a dream! Ha sucks doesn't it, imagine you dream of a really relaxing vacation and when you wake up it's Monday morning getting-ready-for-work time!!

It's become a habit now, waking up in the midde of the night (3am) and early in the morning (6am), each time instinctively checking my phone if there was text message saying "let's not throw this away, let's work at it" or simply "can I come over". I don't cry anymore, I think it's started to sink in. Afterall, there was nothing I could do at this point.

I met up with a friend over drinks and chicha (something I hadn't done for a while). She asked me what was going to happen to the long-anticipated NY/Orlando/Toronto trip, whether I would watch his match on Sunday night, whether I believed he would come back..... I told her,"as much as I wish there's more I could do, say, offer, it's really not up to me to decide if he wants to just give it up and not deal with the issue - whatever it maybe. I can be as optimisitic as possble, as always, but I can't be only the believer in us."

I remember I once said this to someone,"you know what, I am very glad I don't have to put up with this anymore, always trying to convince you why it was stupid to fight about those little things, why we shouldn't get angry about things because it really hurt the relationship, why we shouldn't lose faith in each other so hastily. I'm very sick and tired of that role!"

It does feel very lonely to be the only person still having faith in something. You try your best to convince others, and after so many attempts, your faith wanes as well.