My brother and I

[I know no one reads this anymore cos I rarely update my blog, and I when I write it's mostly about sadness rather than something of discussion or educational value. Still, I have to get this out of my system.]

The hardest part about this breakup is accepting that all my dreams are shattered, and now I have to find new dreams and future.

We planned a trip to Bangkok to celebrate my birthday.
We planned a trip to Italy this September.
We planned a trip to New York this Christmas.
We just upgraded our cable channels and signed a 2-year contract.
We planned on working things out, not being angry at each other.
We planned on having a puppy someday.
We planned on supporting each other through everything.
We wanted to have a family someday.
We planned on loving each other.

I never thought that despite so much happy times together, so much connection, he would let go of me so easily. I fought so hard for this relationship, I tried so hard to forgive and accommodate, because I believed we truly loved each other so much the relationship was worth every effort to fight for.

I truly truly believed in all this, and the future of us.

For the first time in my life, I talked to my brother about my pain and suffering. I cried and cried, he had not seen me cry since I was about 10. I talked to him because I believed he could relate to my pain. I realized last night how much my childhood had scarred me. Each time Kevin got very angry, I would cry hysterically - I can still remember what it was like to peep through the keyhole of my childhood home's living room door at night with my brother, watching my parents fight... all the tears, anger, hatred, pain... It was frightening. It still frightens me. When I was four or five, I would swallow my tears while watching or hearing my parents' fights. As I grew older, I stayed in my own room doing my own thing, trying to stay out of it. My brother, on the other hand, became part of the fights.

My brother grew up becoming an angry man. He told me how he ruined his relationships and his life because of that. Our childhood still haunts him. We always thought I was the only survivor of our problematic childhood, and last night we realized I wasn't. He asked me why I would want to relive that experience for the rest of my life, why I would want to live in fear.

I told him: because I loved this person and I knew he loved and cared about me - when he was not angry - and I really wanted a future with him. I wanted to work on our problems together, and I saw that he had been trying. My brother told me how I was feeding Kevin's anger by accepting it, and letting him explode harder and harder each time. He was right. It seemed to only get worse and worse with each explosion.

I never thought I could be this close with my brother, sharing my deepest sorrow with him. I never thought he would be this mature either. I asked him whether he could talk to Kevin about his own anger experience, and he told me he wouldn't want to embarrass him unless Kevin wanted to talk to him about it. I never thought I would say this, but now I know how much my brother loves and cares about me, despite all the hatred we had towards each other during our childhood. He urged me to take control of my own life, and stay out of this relationship until Kevin sorts out his own problems - but that he would support me no matter what decision I made.

My brother confirmed my thoughts - I do have an option not to accept this in my life. Kevin's family kept telling me how to avoid provoking him, how to let him chill. Yes, I can learn to give him space, but it is not fair to me having to accept it for the rest of my life. Why should I be the target of his anger explosions just because I love him and I forgive him each time? Why me? I am just a simply girl looking for love, hoping to have my own happy home and family. I don't want my marriage to become that of my parents'. I don't want anymore anger in my home. I want to feel LOVED, not HATED.