Love and Hatred

I have already cut two birthday cakes, making the same wish of finding happiness, with whoever it may be whom I would be happy with. I realized I no longer insisted on making this relationship work.

I think it's becoming clear to me now that this is not the type of relationship I want. In many ways it is what I want, but in some very critical areas, it really isn't. No matter how hard I tried to change myself, be patient, be tolerant, be forgiving, be giving, it just doesn't work. It's gotten to the point where I can't even pout - apparently he and his parents believe that my pouting provokes his anger, which justifies him blowing up. They decided that I was a negative, unhappy person. Little do they know that I USED TO BE KNOWN FOR BEING CHEERFUL AND POSITIVE, before I got beaten up so bad in this relationship.

Re-reading my own blog since last year, I realize how much stress this relationship has given me. Yes, there was a lot of happiness too - but it really didn't justify the stress I had to deal with at the same time. I remember being a much happier person (overall) before. I was strong, independent, bubbly, silly, rational. I never really tried too hard to please anyone, and I had always been appreciated for being who I was. I never really fought hard with anyone.

I don't know how I can find peace within myself again. I believe I have been very angry at myself for a while already - and I just haven't been able to forgive myself. A dear friend told me she saw how I had changed myself and truly put in every effort to make the relationship work, and she was proud of me. While she hoped things could work out, she knew I couldn't do this alone. I think I have been so eager to create a lasting, meaningful relationship that I lost sight of what I wanted in the first place: a mature, loving, trusting, stable man. I find that my relationship serves as a learning experience for this person I'm with, for him to learn to become such a person. But, I don't want to help someone learn - I want someone who has ALREADY learned from his past relationships how to truly love, forgive, accept and not to let go so easily. I'm tired of all this drama. I accept that there's arguments in relationships, but I don't expect anyone to immaturely threaten to leave me every single time he's upset. Everything is like a contest in this relationship. I changed my profile picture to my solo shot - he had to immediately change his too. I got annoyed by something, he had to double my negativity. How can I politely ask a guy to be a bigger person, and not be bothered by these things?

I used to find support from this relationship, and now it's only become an additional source of stress. I deal with enough stress at work each day, the last thing I want is to come home to more stress which has been the case lately - though we didn't fight everyday, I thought about how his parents were angry at me every single day. I can't believe how lonely I feel sometimes even when we're living under the same roof. I don't feel like he's my safety net anymore - he likely will be gone from my life not long from now anyways considering how things have (not) been progressing.

I find it so ironic that I learned to love someone, but also to hate myself.

I don't know how to piece my life together again, but I know I have to somehow find a way to find myself again, to love myself, and to feel special.