Fundamentals

Just let me mourne a bit longer, before I can pick myself up again and write about cheerful things around me.

I think I've already gone through the phases of denial, anger, acceptance, and now I'm feeling immense sadness.

I feel very sad we cannot work out. Yes, I've accepted that we cannot work out - I wanted to work things out but I realized that our approach and attitude simply was too different. We can't even agree on what the fundamental problem is. I no longer even try to persuade him that this is worth fighting for - because I don't even want to fight for it anymore. I've tried so hard to be the positive force in the relationship, reminding both of us that we loved each other and that was something precious and worth fighting for. I'm all beaten and exhausted.

We always hear couples trying to justify the decision to stay or leave a relationship, trying to weigh the happy vs sad ratio. I realized through this relationship that it's not about how happy or sad you get - certainly we have tons of fun together when we aren't fighting - but more importantly whether you have the same attitude, approach and commitment to solving problems together. Surely you want to be able to share good times together as a couple, but if you don't even have the fundamentals to dealing with bad times, the relationship certainly is doomed.

I loved him. I loved him so much I would not walk out on him like I had done to others in the past, I loved him so much I always wanted to resolve an argument as soon as possible because I couldn't bear to stay angry at each other.

His love for me wasn't the same. His ego was bigger than anything - and certainly more important than me. He would choose to get really angry at me and stay angry - and ignore me. He wouldn't even care if I got hit by a car. He wouldn't care if he was making me cry in public, just because he was angry. To him, he has every right to be furious, because he feels provoked. So as angry as he can be, he can do anything. He would leave me on the street and walk away. He would twist my words and accuse me of personal attack. He would victimize himself in front of his family, and tell me how his parents were right about me, and how they felt sorry for his misery. Sure he is the sweetest guy in front of my friends and family, and when he isn't angry over arguments. I don't know of any couple who has no arguments whatsoever. Yet I don't know of any couple who would get this excited over a minor argument! He has the right to give me the "black face", why can't I have the right to pout?! Why is my pouting such a big deal?! Which girl doesn't pout! I didn't even yell! I just walked away and went to sleep!

I feel so sad because I really hope we can be on the same wavelength when approaching problems. I really don't mind disagreements and arguments - I really believe they are part of any relationship - but I do find it impossible to carry on a relationship when we have such fundamental differences to tackling issues. When he finally told me how his family supported him regarding his anger management "style" - it really hit me that we couldn't continue like this. He must be very happy now, finally justifying his anger, and being told he didn't do anything wrong.

I feel sorry for him. He'll never be able to be in any healthy relationship unless he is with someone who has no personality, no passion, no feelings, no point of view. I admit I get annoyed by things and I'm willing to learn to deal with it. I know my stress from work and everyday life makes me short-tempered, and I know it's something I have to work on. I know I have to be mindful of my temper and stress level for my own good, and I'm willing to manage it. I wish he could do the same for himself, but I guess it's no longer my business anymore.

It's sad we can be the cutest, sweetest couple yet also the most miserable.