Hatred

My boss at work sent me and my work partner a note on Monday, informing us that next year we will have a joint sales target.

Immediately, my work partner started snatching all the local projects, so that he will have more local accounts to work on, giving him a more stable base for business development next year. Imagine a gimmicky supermarket promotion where the winner has one minute to run around the supermarket pushing a trolley, grabbing as many items as possible...

That was only one of the many sources of stress I get at work on a daily basis. Everyday my team of 6 come to me with problems, questions... Everyday I have to remind them to do this, do that... I have to check their work, give them feedback, make sure they are sufficiently motivated while at the same time not overload with work. Ah, not to mention my clients. I have a tobacco client who didn't want to believe the research findings, and have been wasting my team's time doing so much quality control work to check whether there has been any mistake or problem in the recruitment of respondents. And proposals too, they are neverending...

Of course, "that's work", you think to yourself. I know. That's what they pay me for.

I wake up each morning checking my work email via my phone, like preparing myself for war. I arrive at the war zone at 9am, and fight battles till around 8pm. That's my life from Monday to Friday. Realistically, I won't quit my job, as I have so many people including myself to support. Though, I must admit it used to be so comforting when he told me he'd take care of me if I had to leave my job. That was what I meant by emotional pillar. I used to feel very warm and safe when I came home. I "knew" he would protect me.

I loved him so much, for a long time I truly thought of him as my closest family. I never thought he would ever hate me so much. Whenever he got angry at me, I felt so shocked that he hated me so much.

I don't understand why he hates me so deeply, but maybe I will never understand. Perhaps he doesn't understand either. I don't know how you can hate someone who loves you so much and puts you first at all times. I feel sad, yes, but I've never hated him. I've gotten to the point where I accept his anger, and just hope that he can at least acknowledge it's not nice to be so angry at me for something so trivial, and that it's bad to be mean and aggressive.

Whatever...