Dressmaker

In my opinion, two of the most important people in a girl's life are:
1. Lifetime partner
2. Personal designer/ dressmaker.

I'm fortunate enough to have found my personal dressmaker (before she becomes unaffordably famous), who's been making me beautiful clothes since last October when I needed a special gown for an unusual wedding.

A really good personal dressmaker makes a girl feel so special with one-of-a-kind, flattering outfits made especially for her, tailored to her curves (or thelackof), suited to her style. Mind you, custom-making a dress actually costs a lot less than buying a nice one off-the-rack.

That feeling of specialness is so addictive I recently started asking Hannah (oh yes, my dressmaker has a name!) to make me some everyday wear.

Here's her sketches to give me some ideas for a very simple skirt (to wear with my many tank tops), and a very simple floral dress: (Note the hairstyle!)



And here's some more pictures of clothes she made me:



























Black and purple waist-band made instead of the yellow one below...

Sad night in Jakarta

Recently, many unfortunate things happened to people I care about.

An old friend of mine, Carlos, was diagnosed with cancer about 1.5 years ago. After treatments and a number of operations he thought he recovered and came back to Hong Kong (from Brasil) for a visit. By chance I bumped into him and his wife on the street one night as I was leaving the hair salon. He saw me walking by and called my name. I stared at him and couldn't recognize him at first, as he had lost his hair and Brazilian tan after all the cancer treatments. Still, he looked happy and healthy, and I was sooooooooooooooooooooo happy to see him and Cibele (his wife), as well as Joyce, a common friend. We arranged to have dinner together 2 weeks later to catch up. I was planning to book Bistro Manchu, their favourite restaurant in Hong Kong, only to find out a few days before the dinner that Carlos found out his cancer came back. The only chance to save his life is going to the States to be treated by Dr Einhorn, the best in this area (germinative cancer).

Since the news, his friends in Hong Kong started getting people to donate money to fund his medical fees, as he would need some 300K USD to start the treatment. His insurance plan could not cover medical treatment in US. After about a week or so, he raised some 81K USD, still far from the 300K target.

All friends have already posted his blog link to facebook, getting other friends to donate money. I did the same a few times, and also donated what I could afford. I really wish there was more I could do to help. I feel so sad for him, Cibele and their baby girl, Julia. I still remember the 2nd last time I had seen him was at the Paris airport - running into each other taking the same flights from Brasil to Paris, Paris to Hong Kong. It must be destiny I ran into him in Central again last month.... I hope I will run into him once again in the future after he recovers - and he HAS to recover from this as he is such a great person with the kindest heart.

If you have time, check out his blog friends created to help generate awareness: Save Carlos Sales . He also posted a few notes.

--------------------
Separately, today I learned of some other news about another friend of mine, who worked with me for years and is like a younger sister to me. Without getting into details, she was unfairly, wrongfully terminated from her job a week after her resignation.

I felt so angry and sad the whole day. In a way I felt guilty I had left TNS, and she had no one to stand up for her. If I had been around, I wouldn't have let anyone treat her with such cruelty and unfairness. I only learned about the termination from my boss, and I myself guessed (correctly) the reason for termination.

The corporate world is so cruel and cold-blooded. And it's not the company which is cruel but the people running it. Those people conveniently forget how some people devoted 5 years to the company and its clients, endless late nights to ensure prompt delivery of research service! How can any person with a heart be so ungrateful?! I still feel so disturbed by what happened that I want to send an email to my ex-bosses, asking them HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?

I'm on business trip in Jakarta and feeling incredibly sad in my hotel room.

Dragon Boat

Lately I've been extremely busy with work and dragonboating, so haven't had time to update my blog.

I've already had 9 practices (including a pre-race on May 1) since end of March, with Credit Suisse team. It's really fantastic to be paddling for the 3rd year now, and this year with a more serious team. I did feel a bit of pressure at first, getting back into shape after months of zero exercise, but in the past few practices, I felt myself progressing well - adjusting my form so that I could use more of my back muscles, and as a result be able to save energy for longer and more powerful strokes.

I have also been blessed with Kevin paddling with me, exchanging links to dragonboat-related articles, sharing our thoughts on team/self performance... Like only this year I really started to rotate more of my body, but I realized that I did not always de-rotate/ untwist my torso during the Pull phase in order to maximize the power of the pull...

Anyways, I gotta get ready for my practice tomorrow morning (10am for Sundays, 9am for Saturdays), so I will leave my other thoughts on this subject for next time.

Lomo LCA+

Just came back from Boracay, where Kev and I took some 81 pictures using disposable cameras because his digital camera broke. Pictures came out surprisingly nice, and with a lomo feel:



I had always wanted to get a proper lomo camera and this made me want it even more. So I talked to my friend Fresco in Taiwan, and he highly recommended LCA+ which he had as well.

I thought about it for a few days and not quite sure if it was worth the price (it's about $2000+, almost as much as a low-end digital camera)... until I was forwarded the following link to someone's flickr photoset, shot with this camera (he may have added color filter though), and I immediately wanted to get one!! Check it out.

I really like lomography because it makes memories of the things you saw so much more beautiful, colorful, dreamy, not just the raw sight of things as they appeared.

Truth about Me

I'm thinking....

I'm not really ashamed to say that...

No material goods can make me feel as great as floating in the sea with the sun shining on my face...

I really would give up everything for love, true love that is...

I never really strived to be number one - always number two (less pressure/ expectations)...

I am terrible at hiding my emotions - my facial expressions always betray me...

I am full of pride and am very sensitive about being disrespected...

I can be really hot-tempered when provoked...

I am very quick to admit my faults and apologize...

I secretly enjoy bossing around...

I am extremely terrible with names...

I have a tendency to forget EVERYTHING I read, even some of my favourite books...

In past two years I started more than 8 books but didn't finish any...

I still pray that one day I would be able to fall asleep without any dreams at all...

I am such a princess when it comes to booking accommodations for trips (and I stress myself out trying to find the best value for money)...

I feel very uneasy hanging out in large groups unless they are all my closest friends...

I have not done housework for a very long time...

I secretly enjoy getting subtle attention...

I still have trouble drinking 1.5L of water a day unless it's Evian and I have dragon boat training that day...

I have a tendency to update my blog in the middle of the night when I am half asleep...

More on beliefs

The whole night I was thinking about "beliefs" - what I believed in, in regards to love and relationship. I asked myself whether my beliefs were flawed to begin with: have I been believing in the wrong things? Or in the wrong person? For the wrong reasons?

I re-read my blog entries - something I rarely did lately. I saw my posting on this topic last year, excerpt below:

There's a place on a faraway planet called Fantasyland. In Fantasyland, couples fall in love, and live happily ever after. They laugh, and play, and cuddle, look out for each other, go on adventures together... going to the forest to camp, going to the lake to fish, or just having picnic on the grassland. The sky is always blue, the clouds like cotton candy. The sun is warm... When it does rain, it is like colorful shooting stars and Disney fireworks! The couples are like each other's best friend, they never part, never lie, never betray or hurt each other. They protect each other and take care of each other when one falls sick. They do not question their love for each other. Whatever they do, it comes from the heart, not because of duty or obligation... Yes they do fight. Over what? Who gets the last bite of food... Who's first to warm up the bed in winter! Most importantly, they never part. Did I mention that already? Yes, they never part. They never let go, no matter what happens. There's no reason to let go. They're best friends.

I still believe a relationship is supposed to be like that (okay maybe the sky doesn't rain shooting stars and Disney fireworks), that there is nothing to fear because everything - except infidelity - can be worked out together for as long as you keep an open mind and stay positive. If you love each other, you'll protect each other.

He asked me why I still clinged onto the relationship - because I believed in the relationship, and I believed in him, that he would not let go of me and try to destroy me.

I am a person who means what she says. If I tell you I love you and I will stand by you always, I will do it. I never truly questioned those who made the same claims to me - I assumed they meant their sweet words too. Assumptions... assumptions. If it's true love, you don't walk away because it seems difficult. You just don't destroy someone like that, someone who believes in you and has shared so many happy moments with you. Tell me, how many people in the world truly truly believe in you and would be there for you every second of your life?

A year ago I wrote someone a note, telling him I forgave him for having doubts and leaving me. I only just realized that I had only meant half of it. I forgave hm for having doubts, but I would never forgive him for leaving me and breaking my heart after all those sweet words and grand gestures. Though I was thankful that he had, because afterwards I had a generally happy year with someone else.

Kev was talking about the Madoff victims yesterday, how horrible it must be for those victims to feel cheated by something they trusted. I feel exactly that.

Back to Normal

Alright, no worries, we're still together, and hoping we'll resolve our differences in more positive ways in the future.

A delightful surprise coming out of this fight was that I realized how supportive his brother was. I remembered it was his birthday today so I wrote him a short birthday note. To my surprise, he replied and mentioned that if I ever needed someone to talk to or to give another point of view, I could always talk to him. He told me some things were worth fighting for and that he understood it wasn't easy sometimes. I was so moved.

Kev of course realized he had hurt my feelings.... He got me flowers the next day, more flowers the following day, and today he surprised me with some MUJI cotton candy blocks I had mentioned to my friends a week ago over dinner. I was sooooooooooooooooo excited and taken by surprise! It was like receiving the coolest xmas gift!!!

Future

I had a lot of happy moments in the past year since I entered a supposedly serious relationship and I regret not having taken the time to write more about them, hence most postings I had seemed to be about sad moments.

There were countless times when the relationship made me feel so safe and secure despite my stressful job situation... everyday there was so much laughter joking with each other about anything one could imagine... times when I felt moved by the big steps we've taken in the relationship...

I wish I had written all those down because it would serve as proof that most things in life do not "add up". Perhaps I would never understand how a happy relationship can just end like this, because I did not want to attend his cousin's dinner invitation given short notice. How it could turn into a question of whether or not I'd be willing to spend time with his parents and his closest friend if we were to move back to New York. How he could tell me that if he had to choose between his cousin and me, he'd give me up. I thought in serious relationships people make comprises. Why is it suddenly about him versus me now? What happened to "teamwork"?

How can someone who's otherwise so loving and caring turn into such a cruel person, breaking my heart without hesitation?

How can I count on this person to go through tough times with me in the future, when we have differences in opinion?

I don't want to talk to anyone right now but I have to write this because I'm going to breakdown any second otherwise. My whole world is turned upside down, everything I ever trusted becomes a huge question mark. I trusted him as the person I wanted to have a life with, the person who would never give me up, who would work things out with me... I didn't expect such letdown.

I don't know how I can cope with this, but I'll be fine eventually, somehow. It's scary, because for a very long time I was so sure I would never have to cope with future's uncertainties alone anymore - and now I do.

Favourite Things

Top of the list: Kevin of course :)









Havaianas collection












My DVD collection. Just clicked into it (by the way, resolution is poor as I took it with phone's camera) and saw this DVD which I should've returned to the owner months ago. Oh well, too late.









Kate Spade shades.





My many beautiful pictures... (I mean the beautiful pictures I took, not necessarily of me!)










Painting from Rio framed beautifully and now hanging on my living room wall. Saudade!









Evita hairclips I keep losing when I go swimming in the sea.








These are only a few of my many vases in the apartment.















Cartier pen I received last year as a gift. I carry it with me in my purse everywhere I go.

My ridiculous collection of earrings (these are only some of my favourites)









My other jewelry/ accessory collection.






These brushed wood picture frames I got from a Bangkok night market.









This mirror I carried all the way back from Bangkok. Also from the same night market.











My custom-made pretty dresses










My wicker chair













Bottle of nice cachaca.











White TV.







Super heavy, but white, Sony VAIO laptop.
















Watch I now wear everyday.





My favourite rock (a souvenir) from New York I no longer travel with or even touch, and my favourite bracelet (wrist strap) I no longer own.

I Don't Want to Talk about It

One of the songs I sing in the shower. Brings tears to my eyes each time I sing it:
I can tell by your eyes that you've prob'bly been cryin' forever,
and the stars in the sky don't mean nothin' to you, they're a mirror.
I don't want to talk about it, how you broke my heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here, won't you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?

If I stand all alone, will the shadow hide the color of my heart;
blue for the tears, black for the night's fears.
The star in the sky don't mean nothin' to you, they're a mirror.
I don't want to talk about it, how you broke my heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
if I stay here, won't you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
I don't want to talk about it, how you broke this ol' heart.

If I stay here just a little bit longer,
if I stay here, won't you listen to my heart, whoa, heart?
My heart, whoa, heart.

Logic

A friend asked me: how do you know if a relationship is worth fighting for?

I think it's worth fighting for for as long as you're not the only person believing in it. It'll always be a lost battle if you're the only believer.

I was telling a friend: if you're the only person cheering for a sports team and the players themselves look defeated and tell you they feel they are crap, then it's pointless for you cheering them on.

I feel very sad when my friend gets all hurt and heartbroken in a relationship, because I know how much effort she has put into it, how much she loves that person, and yet he often says the most insensitve, hurtful things to harm her. As a friend, I want her to leave him of course, because he is completely taking her for granted, but I know she keeps forgiving him and hoping he'd eventually come to his senses. At times like this, I really feel like relationship is god's punishment to some people.

This makes me feel sad. Very very sad. You know me... I always naively believe in love... that if you love someone strong enough, you'd put down your stupid ego to keep that person with you forever and ever. If you love that person enough, you can't bear to hurt her and see her cry. That's my logic and I don't know of any other logic in relationships. So whenever I hear about or I myself experience heartbreaks, my explanation is that the love is not strong enough. The love is so great... but it's not strong enough.

I am feeling very sentimental tonight and I can't explain it.

My boyfriend is an attackman

One of my recent interests is watching Kevin play lacrosse. Just yesterday, he had another match in Happy Valley and I went to watch it. It was an exciting game and was such fun to watch when he played the sport so passionately and so well! Out of 7 goals by his team, he scored 4, with an additional 2 assists!

Comfort Zone - Part 2

You know, I realize that when a girl has some relationship questions, she should definitely not talk to a male friend to seek some reassurance! She'll only freak out realizing what men really think, how insensitive they are.

I happened to be up early on a Sunday morning and chatting with a male friend.....

I say:
how's everything ah?

lonewolf says:
same old i guess
work wise i got a promotion a while ago

I say:
that's good la

lonewolf says:
but no big jump in salary because of the market but the firm offered me to pay my whole tuition fee
so i guess that is good..
relationship wise same old.. not much excitment but lots of fights

I say:
oh dear... hey, can i ask you sth about relationship

lonewolf says:
yeah? sure

I say:
why do men think that a relationship will remain strong if they do nothing special to creat sparks?
i was having this discussion w/ friend in singapore last night. a guy friend.
he couldn't understand why women hope to have some freshness in the relationship

lonewolf says:
because any big ego asshole like myself would always expect to receive something special regardless of how little effort that he is giving
we always want to give the minimum effort and get the best result out of it
also we perfectionist (is that how you spell that word) tend to think if it ain't broken, why fix it - so we tend to spend our energy/effort on something else
because we take it for granted that when a relationship is working.. it will work for the rest of our life
and so once it reaches certain maturity we will then look at something else like.. more guys nights.. more favourite football games on tv etc

I say:
oh my god that really really scares me. and it scares me not because you said it out loud, but because it's really true, that men think like that.
man, i'm freaking out. not that there's any problem with my relationship right now, but to think, and start to sense that it could POTENTIALLY turn into that.... it truly freaks me out. :S

Comfort Zone - Part 1

I was talking to my silly friend in SG just now about "comfort zone in a relationship". The question I posed was: How can you get comfortable in a relationship without getting too comfortable?

Excerpt from our conversation (obtained permission from SY to post parts of our discussion, with some minor editing done) -

SY says:
the reality of it is that... the honeymoon gazing in eyes thingy will eventually fade... but when comes special moments like birthdays, anniversaries... these will be the moments that u go that extra mile and buy whip cream
Cindy Tang says:
aiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that's the problem DUDE!
SY says:
HK no whip cream?
Cindy Tang says:
girls don't want to feel special only on special festive days!
SY says:
girls can be sooooo difficult... haiya....
Cindy Tang says:
back to the subject. girls don't want to feel like relationship, marriage... are the end of romance... you see, we have to give up the "excitement" of dating other people to be in a relationship
SY says:
takes 2 hands to clap... guys some times like for girls to initiate it too.
Cindy Tang says:
and we hope that we can get the same passion and excitement in our current relationship so it won't feel like it's any loss to be in a serious, monogamous, faithful relationship
and we hope that we can some level of passion, excitement, freshness in our current relationship
SY says:
well... look at it this way... you watch tropic thunder 1x and you get all the jokes fresh and it amuses u. you watch it a 2nd time and u pick up of those you might have missed the 2nd time rd and laugh albeit lesser... repeat the process and what happens?
Cindy Tang says:
it's different! because, in this example, the movie never changes! but when you are with someone, that someone can change, and interact with you differently, or talk about different things with you
and the movie doesn't have feelings! your gf does!
SY says:
needless to say, the bf will prob be the same person and won't change much. the excitement and adrenaline that you get from new men... key word being new. so the harsh reality is... there will come a point that you know him inside out... he won't excite you the same way as per the beginning.... but in a different sort of way

sure... his exposes would be new... but the underlying character is more or less the same
Cindy Tang says:
you can know someone inside out, but what you experience with that person can change!
if you make an effort that is
SY says:
of course... but u need to realise that it will get harder over time to find new experiences involving the 2 of u that is completly novel
Cindy Tang says:
IF only, you can still make the effort to ask her out on a date every now and then... surprise her occasionally.... it could break that chain of boredom
it doesn't have to be novel
it can be something you've done before, but not periodically... anticipated
SY says:
and how would it still be a surprise if it happens too regularly? causal loop
Cindy Tang says:
and of course it takes BOTH to make that effort
i said not regularly...
i'm not trying to criticize you dear
SY says:
sure. actually... there's not 1 size fits all solution. it really all depends on the chemistry of the couple.
Cindy Tang says:
i'm just saying... there are things one can do to make a long term relationship fresh
SY says:
then if not regularly enuff... you feel it lacking.
Cindy Tang says:
and really, most girls do crave for that
SY says:
it's a thin line
Cindy Tang says:
that extra effort really makes us feel special
SY says:
well.. u know what is true romance? just sharing quite time with the person and yet feeling no lack. it's all in the chemistry.
Cindy Tang says:
hehehehehe
that is comfort not romance
male and female will always see things so differently... :I
SY says:
embrace that... it's the beauty of it.
Cindy Tang says:
not beautiful when it causes boredom and tension
SY says:
look at it this way... if u were dating a guy with girl traits.... "CAT FIGHT"
Cindy Tang says:
*faints*
SY says:
hahahah girls are more sensitive and guys are more indifferent. that forms a balance.
if girl is sensitive and guy's a snag... bad combination
Cindy Tang says:
if you truly love someone, and you know that you can do something simple - though not significant to you - to make that person feel happy and special, why wouldn't you do it?
Why would you choose to DO NOTHING, to make her feel anxious, taken for granted, unattractive, unspecial?
SY says:
it's becos while girls get the luxury of being emotional, guys tend to be more rational and that complements the 2 emotions.
sure... i will do it. but guys are usless... u need to tell them what exactly are these things... at least some kind of guideline.
Cindy Tang says:
how difficult is it to spend 80 sgd to buy some flowers if that would make her happy?
SY says:
i just did exactly that... even in terms of price. did i tell you?
Cindy Tang says:
or just buy her a card to tell her you're happy you're with her?!
SY says:
i did that also...
Cindy Tang says:
sounds gay, but it makes a difference and it takes ZERO effort
you only did that for her recently
SY says:
yeah... but still....
Cindy Tang says:
you probably stopped in past few years!
SY says:
well... if i salvage this... am sure i'll do it more often

I'm not sure if we came to any conclusion/consensus, haha... If anything - that male and female will never understand each other?

I guess what I'm trying to say - on behalf of other women - is that women do need to feel loved, attractive, desired, cherished, special. Yes, a lot of us women may have a great career but our ultimate confidence does come from men. Trust me, I'm not proud of this, but I have to admit it's true. I've done some motivational research among women a few years ago for work and have personally interviewed women from all walks of life - the results confirmed this. When we are single, we get such confidence from our different admirers. When we do decide to get into a serious relationship, it's because we feel that this guy alone is enough to make us feel special, without the need for other admirers. Yet, to sustain such confidence, we need reassurance every now and then, to feel in love. We prefer not to get such reassurance from other men around us (pursuers/ men who check us out on the street... in the restaurant...), but the person we're with. Aiya, we women will never understand why men just don't understand. =P

Unpleasant Experience

Years ago I had this pathetic experience at work....

I was working in Johnson & Johnson, a company I had wanted to get into for many years, and had this male boss who put me down, snapped at me, made me feel useless almost every day. Some days, when he was in a better mood, he'd be nicer to me, but most days he was very mean and nasty.

I remember trying very hard to please him, making my analysis as detailed as possible, trying to establish better relationships with my clients, thinking of new promotions to launch in my accounts, helping him deal with stuff he didn't want to deal with. I did everything within my capacity, hoping that one day he'd change the way he treated me and start to show appreciation for my work. Didn't happen. Each day I cried before going to work, while hoping that I wouldn't get yelled at that day. Each day I felt so pathetic, still holding on to the job when my boss clearly didn't like me and clearly wasn't going to change. I even tried to talk to him nicely about it, but he ended up blaming me instead for not being good enough. I needed and wanted the job, so I stayed despite all that crap I was getting.

After two and a half years, I left the company without any regrets.

That experience still bothers me sometimes, remembering how I was like a victim. If you know me, I'm no victim. It really felt horrible knowing I was doing my very best and still wasn't appreciated, and was even blamed for his emotional outbursts. Looking back, I wish I hadn't cared so much about the job and how he saw me as a staff, so I wouldn't have had to appear so helpless, vulnerable and desperate.

This is something I want to remind myself of: If I am already doing my absolute best with little room to improve, yet am not receiving the appreciation I deserve, when the time comes, gracefully walk away. No crying, no begging, no blaming myself.

Happiness

Came back to Asia last Sunday and now I am in Laos for work already, next stop will be Singapore.

Oh I had a wonderful trip! I never knew I could feel so good on a trip taking the backseat and doing things not that unfamiliar to me, instead of exploring new adventures. What I am trying to say is, I had a lovely time letting him show me around his hometown (and letting him meet my best friend and brother), getting to know his family and friends, getting a feel of what his life was like back in New York. In a way, it was an exploration trip, finding out more about him and being surprised by all the simple pleasures. I wish I could stop time so that we stay happily in love and won't hurt each other again.

You know, we all say that we just want to be happy. We often forget that happiness takes a lot of conscious effort for it to happen - it doesn't just happen. Especially for those of us who live a hectic life, with endless stress from work, and countless number of friends and acquaintances fighting for our attention, it does take a lot of effort to not let all these complicate our lives and overwhelm us. I think most of us live in a world where we overstate the importance of getting as many things done as possible, having as many friends as possible, pleasing as many people as we can..... In the end we lose what's most important to us because, whatever that is, it failed to get the attention and focus that it needed. Call me cynical, I do believe that big cities corrupt the mind. Often times we end up with a lot of everything but not the most important thing, leaving us lost and miserable.

I wish for myself and everyone I care about continuous effort to simplify life and self-reminder to cherish the things/people we value most in our lives.

The Big Apple

Yep, here I am in NYC. The trip did happen afterall - otherwise I would be writing from Italy, Morocco or India right now, someplace crazy.

It feels strangely nice here, reminds me a lot of life back in Toronto - except in Toronto we pretty much only have uptown Toronto Chinese neighborhood, uptown Toronto non-Chinese neighborhood, cool Yonge & Eglington area which is like East side in NYC, downtown Toronto... and of course our city is more modern without the super quaint and old neighborhoods and architecture I see in NYC which are super cool.

I've already been to tons of places in past 3 days, after plenty of walking. Today we'll be heading to MoMA and Mamma Mia show, then meeting up with Kevin's brother for drink / dinner. Would be awesome if we could also do a picnic in Central Park (sky is clearing up now after a lot of rain last night), but let's see.

I don't miss North America much because it just feels like home, but I do enjoy it when I'm there. When we were walking around charming neighborhoods, I couldn't help but think how lovely it'd be to stay in those old houses, with repainted facades, sweet little balconies. In fact, it wasn't a new idea I had, I had thought of this 10 years ago watching You've Got Mail.

It feels very nostalgic to be back in N America, remembering life back then, and things that have shaped me in the past 8 years or so in Asia. I have also been thinking a lot about Now What? in the past few days. I really have no idea and it has been bothering me. However, I just realized that I've only been stressing myself out because now I have options and it's a matter of not knowing how to choose. When I mentioned that 10 years ago I had wished I could move into a flat like that, I realized that 10 years ago it had been a dream - now it's different because if I want it bad enough I could do it.

In a way it's a relief to know that there's options available for me to decide.

OK, time to get ready for a BIG DAY in BIG APPLE.

Faith

Friday night I dreamed of everything going back to normal and I had the best weekend of my life. Waking up from that dream on Saturday morning, my first thought was: ah crap, just a dream! Ha sucks doesn't it, imagine you dream of a really relaxing vacation and when you wake up it's Monday morning getting-ready-for-work time!!

It's become a habit now, waking up in the midde of the night (3am) and early in the morning (6am), each time instinctively checking my phone if there was text message saying "let's not throw this away, let's work at it" or simply "can I come over". I don't cry anymore, I think it's started to sink in. Afterall, there was nothing I could do at this point.

I met up with a friend over drinks and chicha (something I hadn't done for a while). She asked me what was going to happen to the long-anticipated NY/Orlando/Toronto trip, whether I would watch his match on Sunday night, whether I believed he would come back..... I told her,"as much as I wish there's more I could do, say, offer, it's really not up to me to decide if he wants to just give it up and not deal with the issue - whatever it maybe. I can be as optimisitic as possble, as always, but I can't be only the believer in us."

I remember I once said this to someone,"you know what, I am very glad I don't have to put up with this anymore, always trying to convince you why it was stupid to fight about those little things, why we shouldn't get angry about things because it really hurt the relationship, why we shouldn't lose faith in each other so hastily. I'm very sick and tired of that role!"

It does feel very lonely to be the only person still having faith in something. You try your best to convince others, and after so many attempts, your faith wanes as well.

Expiry

I finished my report very quickly and decided to take half day leave / sick leave to see the doctor and rest.

I spent an hour at the beach, which had never looked prettier - just a hint of whitish mist in front of the hilly backdrop, over the greenish calm water, with a bright peach-pink sun about to set. I felt sad though, knowing it was my last beach visit for the year as fall has already arrived.

I went to my neighborhood supermarket hoping to start taking good care of myself and feeding myself. I ended up with:
- a bag of toilet rolls - the brand that fits into my toilet roll holder
- 4 boxes of Kleenex
- very green bananas
- unripe dragon fruits
- a lotus flower
- a carton of apple juice
- a carton of soya bean milk
- dried dates
- butter - because he had left my fridge door open a month ago and my butter had turned bad
- 12 bottles of 1.5L Evian water
- 3 ears of sweet corn
- 2 small starfruit sorbets

Now I'm sitting here hungry, cos I can't cook with any of these. Just a month ago, when I was doing the same shopping trip, I used to buy red meat, vegetables, potatos, spices to cook for both of us. This time, I pushed the cart around the supermarket aimlessly and had no idea what I could cook for myself. When I was in a relationship, I could try to get us both to eat right, cooking broccoli, soup, beef slices, fried eggs with mushrooms or tomatoes, pan fried salmon (which was a disaster).... There was the common goal to make each other healthier. Now I'm on my own again, and I completely lost the motivation to live healthily.

It sucks to be alone, unless you're starting to see other people. We were both happy living together for months. I don't know why he's been struggling to set himself free lately. I suppose I need to keep reminding myself not to ask why, since it's already a fact that he pushed me away and now he got what he wanted.

He hasn't even been reading my blog in the past few months. Perhaps there was an expiry date on the relationship, of eight months, only the sticker had fallen off and I hadn't realized.

Fantasyland

There's a place on a faraway planet called Fantasyland. In Fantasyland, couples fall in love, and live happily ever after. They laugh, and play, and cuddle, look out for each other, go on adventures together... going to the forest to camp, going to the lake to fish, or just having picnic on the grassland. The sky is always blue, the clouds like cotton candy. The sun is warm... When it does rain, it is like colorful shooting stars and Disney fireworks! The couples are like each other's best friend, they never part, never lie, never betray or hurt each other. They protect each other and take care of each other when one falls sick. They do not question their love for each other. Whatever they do, it comes from the heart, not because of duty or obligation... Yes they do fight. Over what? Who gets the last bite of food... Who's first to warm up the bed in winter! Most importantly, they never part. Did I mention that already? Yes, they never part. They never let go, no matter what happens. There's no reason to let go. They're best friends.

I left my Fantasyland and I cried and I cried and I cried, like a baby just feeling the need to cry, without thinking what she's crying over. And I am crying again... I was led to believe such a relationship exists, and I was living it. When two people cared so much about each other, and had so much laughs and happy moments together, what could pull them apart? The "I" factor? "I" want this, "I" want that, "I" am more important than "you", "I" am more important than "we"?

I know this is the reality but I don't want to accept it just yet, not now. I thought he'd always been a "we" person but perhaps, he never was. Pls let me fall asleep and never wake up again. I don't want to live in this cruel world.

A Beautiful Mess

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shouted cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, Here we are
Here we are
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

Through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds, out of this earth
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.

Screw teamwork

I think teamwork is way overrated.

At work, I assumed different teams should work together towards a common goal. In reality, each player often cares about his or her own self-interest and only tries to reach the minimum level required at most, depending on his or her priorities, not really trying to help one another out. Lots of times, I see people not showing a sense of responsibility for the overall success.

In relationships, I assumed that a couple should be a team, looking out for each other, making decisions best for the team. In reality, sometimes one person makes decisions without considering the other person's wishes or interests, or even feels like the partner is bringing him/her down, making him/her look bad. Of course, partner jumping ship is also not uncommon.

It really frustrates me, because I really have been naive enough to really believe in collective interest and I honestly dare say that I have made a lot of personal sacrifices for the better good of the "team", both at work and in relationships. When I challenge these people, I often hear them say "oh but I have done A, B, and C for the team". What about incidents D and E where your actions proved otherwise?

The way the world functions really confuses me, and my head is now spinning. Why can't we STOP forming teams and just do things out of self-interest? Why can't we have more small / boutique companies instead of large multinationals with mutiple teams? Why should there be marriage and relationship when clearly the system doesn't work, as proven by the high divorce rate. At the end of the day, people are driven by self-interest. People are born to be selfish. They want to do what they like, what makes them happy.

I feel like a confused teenager asking all these rhetorical questions.

Alone Again, Naturally

I'm becoming more and more convinced that some people are meant to be single, no matter how much they want to be in a normal relationship. Perhaps some people have personality traits that make them difficult to be with, as partners?

I'm increasingly convinced that I'm one of those people. I've tried very very hard to share, to love, to accommodate, to accept, but I'm still not happy when little things go wrong because they remind me how much effort it took to have a simple relationship without soap opera drama anymore.

I've been looking for someone to walk with me at more or less the same pace, in more or less the same direction - only to finally realize that I do walk (and occasionally skip, hop, run) at varying paces, and I change directions as I wish. It's difficult for me to continuously follow someone's standard pace in a single direction, and it's even more difficult for someone to try and follow mine.

I don't know what to do, "knowing" that I'm probably among 1% of the population meant to live alone.

For a laugh

Been under the weather, and busy with work, so no time to write anything.

Can't believe it's another year already, and it's going to be my birthday again in just 3 days. Trust this one is going to be better than last year's, at least chilled, tear-free, drama-free (fingers crossed). No plans to celebrate this year, though in the past birthdays had to have flowers and cake and card... all those rules and formalities :P

I've been feeling very drained and exhausted lately. This birthday, I wish for continued happiness and love, as well as new beginnings in life and career. Ah, and good health as well - sounds lame but I fell sick a lot in the past year.

Here's a cute song to share with you. Makes me laugh each time I listen to it cos I happen to be visiting NYC (and Orlando) next month:

心動

給那些只活在回憶的人...

有多久沒見你　以為你在哪裡
原來就住在我心底　陪伴著我的呼吸
有多遠的距離　以為聞不到你氣息
誰知道你背影這麼長　回頭就看到你

＊過去讓它過去　來不及
從頭喜歡你　白雲纏繞著藍天
如果不能夠永遠走在一起
也至少給我們懷念的勇氣　擁抱的權利
好讓你明白　我心動的痕跡

重唱　＊

總是想再見你　還試著打探你消息
原來你就住在我的身體
守護我的回憶

Stats: How Many Women in HK Fit into GF Criteria of Typical XBC?

Flipped version of the prevoius note. So, based on my BF criteria, I was left with only 3-4 men in HK who fit my basic requirements and might ask me out. What about guys? How many girls in HK fit into GF criteria of a "typical" XBC (Foreign Born Chinese)? Of course, everyone's standards are different. Just as an illustration, using some common criteria among my male friends, here the calculation.

HK Population: 6.963 million
AND Female : 3.665 million
AND Age 25-34: 605,500
AND Never Married: Never Married incidence is 50% = 302,750
AND With Degree: Incidence 30.5% = 92,339
AND Chinese born in HK, Macau, European Countries, US, UK, Canada, Australia, or Oceania; Chinese born in Mainland China but holding other passports: Incidence 90% = 82105
AND 5'4" to 5'7": Young female adult in HK mean height is slightly less than 5'3" according to the Education Commission of S.A.R. Estimated incidence (I have no sense of height, so just a rough estimate): 40% = 32842
AND English as usual language or close to usual language:
Incidence of "English as usual language" is only 0.51% among Chinese in overall population above 5 years old, there is no information by age group. So, let's assume among this age group, the incidence is 1% (which makes sense, among general population, not just among other English speaking friends you hang out with). So if one is okay with "close to somewhat good English but not quite as 'usual language'" then let's triple the incidence just like what I did for mine - 3% = 985
AND Better looking than 40% of women (overall appearance including physique): 591
AND No stable boyfriend yet: Estimate incidence...err...60%?! = 355
AND NOT too bitchy, obviously gold-digging (most guys don't care about the rest right?): Estimate incidence 70%: 249
AND Would say yes if you asked them out on a date Estimated incidence 100%: 249

CONCLUSION:
1. For most foreign born Chinese men who are primarily English speaking, there are roughly 249 women you can possibly ask out, if your standards are not too high. (If you have additional expectations, then keep filtering based on n=249)

2. Men in HK are lucky bastards ;P

Statistics

HK Population: 6.963 million
Male Population in HK: 3.298 million
Male Population Age 30-39 in HK: 477,300
Male Population Age 30-39 AND Never Married in HK:
Never Married incidence is 40% = 190,920

Male Age 30-39 AND Never Married AND English as "Usual Language" AND of Specific Ethnicities in HK:
- English as Usual Language is 1% among this male age group, including Chinese (HK & Non HK), British, Japanese, American, Canadian, Australian, Others = 1,909
- To relax the criteria, assuming I include Europeans and South Americans whose first language is not English, but second language is, and Chinese educated overseas whose English is almost a first language, then let's assume that boosts the incidence to 3% = 5727

Male Age 30-39 AND Never Married AND English as "Usual Language" AND of Specific Ethnicities AND 5'10" or above in HK:
- Reference for Average Adult Height around the World:
- Chinese (HK) men - 5'7"
- Chinese (non HK) men - 5'5 1/2"
- Australian men - 5'10"
- American men - 5'10"
- Japanese men - 5'8"
- Canadian men - 5'8 1/2"
- British men - 5'9"
Basically, apart from American and Australian, majority of men fail the height criteria. Hence incidence is roughly 10% at best = 573

Male Age 30-39 AND Never Married AND English as "Usual Language" AND of Specific Ethnicities AND 5'10" or above AND with slightly above average looks in HK:
Incidence 40% = 229

The above AND final criteria:

a) unattached (no girlfriend or a whole bunch of flings, despite above average looking, tall and in their prime): Estimated incidence 30% (a very optimistic figure)= 69

b) great personality and can make me laugh: Estimated incidence 30% = 23

c) find me attractive: Estimated incidence 30% (random number, no rationale at all) = 7

d) dare ask me out:
Estimated incidence 50% at best = 3-4

[Note: I have not placed any filters on Education/ Employment, assuming most men whose first, or close to first, language is English in HK and are of the above ethnicities are most likely educated and working.]

CONCLUSION
1. There are only 23 men in HK who fit into my search criteria (not that I need to search anymore), 7 who might also find me attractive, and 3 to 4 who might also ask me out. Yep, 3-4.

2. Perhaps the criteria I set are too ideal - though, already I have not filtered out men who don't like the beach / cannot swim / do not like the outdoors / do not enjoy good films/ cannot do math ................

3. Treasure what I found.

Serious Research

Background & Facts
Hong Kong rainfall in the month of June 2008 was a record high in 125 years, reaching 1346.1 millimetres. Total rainfall in the first six months of 2008 was about 69% above average level.

Issues & Implications
1. Since my normal beach/swimming season began in May, sunny weekends have been extremely rare ==> I have only visited the beach 3 times for swimming (dragonboat practice not included).
2. Due to heavy and more seriously, continuous, rainfall, sea water has been heavily polluted hence unfit for swimming ==> even when there was occasional sunshine, I still could not go swimming.
3. South Bay Beach was also closed for more than half a week due to water contamination ==> leaving me with no choice but to resort to Middle Bay.
4. Beach water quality suffered everywhere in Hong Kong. Even former Grade 1* beaches, such as South Bay and Turtle Cove, have dropped in their rating. As of today, the only Grade 1 beach left in Hong Kong is Hung Shing Yeh on Lamma Island.

Solution
1. Keep monitoring beach water quality and weather forecast everyday to ensure I will not miss out on a rare perfect match - Grade 1 for South Bay AND sunny periods forecasted AND 3 days after heavy rainfall.
2. Consider travelling to Lamma Island on a sunny day - 3 days after heavy rainfall - to swim in Grade 1 sea water.
2. Start planning for relocation to a tropical island.

Resources Required
Link to 2007 Annual Beach Water Quality Report
Link to Updated Beach Water Quality Report
Link to Yahoo HK Weather Forecast


*Beach Water Grading system of Environmental Protection Department:

			(Cases p
GRADE 1	BEACH WATER QUALITY Good	E. COLI # (COUNT PER 100ML) <= 24	MINOR ILLNESS RATE (CASES / 1000 SWIMMERS) Undetectable
2	Fair	25 - 180	<= 10
3	Poor	181 - 610	11 - 15
4	Very Poor	> 610 or last reading > 1600	> 15

# Except where indicated, the E. coli level is the geometric mean E. coli level of the 5 most recent sampling occasions.
* Skin and gastrointestinal illnesses.

Saudade of the Beach

Friend was teasing me the other day about the beach-perfect weather I missed out on because I was travelling in Beijing. I was a bit upset that I had been waiting for a sunny day in the past month and when it finally arrived I was out of town. :(

This friend also posted some pictures of South Bay Beach on facebook and of course I couldn't help but check them out for a bit of saudade. Then I saw this beautiful picture of the beach taken at night - which was quite rare - and it reminded me my best memories of the beach were actually mostly evening/night-time ones despite my love of the sun. I will always always miss this view of South Bay.

Untitled

Woke up by mosquito bites at 2:30am, I had trouble going back to sleep and ended up reading some old emails and chat history with friends.....

I watched a local movie called "Happy Birthday" last night on DVD, about this girl who looks forward to birthday blessings each year from this guy she dated back in college days and is still in love (but not in a relationship) with - his blessings are to her the only confirmation of his love for her. The movie was fine but I actually liked the special features better, especially when the actors and actresses talk about their view of the story and the characters' emotional journies. The writer and main character talks about how people nowadays have become increasingly insecure in relationships, with so much going on in everyday life, so many distractions..... one grows from not knowing what he/she wants to feeling he/she is sure what he/she wants, then doubting whether something really is what he/she wants..... She finds that the older she gets, the more clueless she is about relationships.

Re-reading past emails and chat sessions with people I rarely contact these days reminded me of this movie (the special features of this movie, rather). Perhaps life is not about ultimately understanding what everything is about, but just simply enjoying, indulging in the process, the learning experience itself? Perhaps there is no such thing as THE thing or person you want, because it changes at different points in your life as a result of your life encounters? I am starting to convince myself that I know nothing, and that it is totally fine not knowing.

Expectations

Lately, I've been trying to start living my life without expectations. When I went for a walk alone last Monday, I suddenly realized why people say "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" - it's good to hope but don't expect because you set yourself up for a letdown.

We tend to expect certain things from others based on our personal experience of similar situations, or what we hear about other people's experience. We expect a decent salary rise after a very positive year-end review; the person to stick around after promising not to let you suffer alone anymore; a burnt out light bulb to be replaced after someone offered to replace it for you...

I went to see a hypnotherapist / life counsellor a few weeks ago to understand myself better and he made me realize that by believing that things are supposed to happen in certain ways as based on my interpretation of how things should happen logically, I risk setting myself up for a letdown. He was so right. He suggested that I try and live myself without expecting anything, allowing myself to think that I don't know anything and that it is alright not to know.

It's easier said than done, of course, but perhaps it is the right way to live, hoping for things to happen, but not expecting them to necessarily happen. Sort of like believing in the moment, but not allowing your mind to think ahead what may proceed.

I'm still trying to master this skill in a positive way - otherwise I may end up living without any hopes (and that's one of the saddest things in life) or I may end up trusting no one but myself because only I will never fail myself and will put my happiness first.

Makes me sleepy contemplating what is the right way to live one's life...zzzzz

Getting Ready

Can't believe another year has passed and I'm getting ready for my dragon boat race tomorrow.

This year I'm paddling with the UBC/UT team and it's much more organized than my company one. We just had our pre-race dinner, totally loaded with carbs. I just drank another bottle water to keep my body hydrated. Packed my bag for tomorrow morning:

- 3 bananas
- 3 energy bars
- 2 1.5-litre bottles of water
- shades
- uniform and cap
- towel
- inhaler
- flip flops to walk around
- gloves
- spare contact lenses
- camera
- sunblock (will be lucky if we don't have thunderstorm, not sure if sunblock will be needed)

Am so excited, and nervous. Am hoping I can do my best tomorrow. Now, going to do some stretching, get some rest, and get mentally prepared for the real thing tomorrow.

Oh, and a very important point: This year I have Kev going to the race with me to cheer for me during the first race too! :>

北京

Finally, I get to travel to a city I've never visited before in 2 weeks' time - Beijing.

It's exciting because it will be so different from anywhere else I have travelled to. I have heard so much about it, yet still have so little idea what to expect. I recall receiving text messages from a friend last year raving about some cool places in Beijing and insisting on me checking it out someday. I am really curious how I will find it.

Having said that, my trip isn't all about exploring the city, but also catching up with my friends. I have 3 friends (Marianne, Bonatto and Emin) currently living in Beijing and they are kind enough to let me stay with them. Emin lives near CBD, Marianne and Bonatto in the countryside near the Language and Culture University. I really look forward to hanging out with them and letting them "foreigners" show me their favourites in Beijing.

Alright, tomorrow I'll get a Luxe Guide and start picking the top few places I need to visit during my 4 day trip!

Rush

I had a LEGENDARY (too much How I Met Your Mother!) dragonboat practice on Saturday, and was very proud of my performance (I know, I know, it's a TEAM sport, right?).

Last week I started getting ready for the practice and the race, doing dead lifts with dumbbells Kev got me, drinking lots of water, adding a lot more carbs to my diet, stretching, swimming..... During the practice itself, we did 4 trial races, each race consisted of about 150 strokes. The races were really amazing! Since last year's race, I hadn't felt that adrenaline rush again, with such strong focus, determination and force to hang on till the very last stroke. I didn't even realized how intense a workout it was until my deltoids, triceps, lower back, pectoral muscles (upper), glutes and hamstrings started aching like crazy since last night!

What I really want to say is, it feels GOOD to be focused and determined, giving it 110% without holding back at all. If I could apply this to every aspect of my life, I'd lead a very fulfilled and content life.

PS: And now I have to get my aching bum off the sofa to get some sleep. Ouuuch!

Checklist

I always tell people around me they need to love themselves and take good care of themselves, starting with the little things. Here's a checklist for myself:
1. Replace the battery in my electric toothbrush since I never changed it since I got it more than half a year ago. DONE.
2. Throw out all the food, drinks, liquer in my fridge as I found the fridge door open one day and everything in it was already warm by then. DONE.
3. Eat a fruit a day. DONE.
4. Drink at least 4 glasses of water a day, for a start. PARTIALLY DONE ON DRAGONBOAT PRACTICE DAY.
5. Make myself Earl Grey again, with milk and honey.
6. Drink milk everyday.
7. Buy myself fresh flowers every week. DONE.
8. Paint my nails with clear gloss. DONE.
9. Listen to music.
10. Change/remove some of my playlists which have been haunting me.
11. Make some homemade yoghurt face mask and start paying attention to my (smooth!) skin again.
12. Continue to floss regularly. DONE.
13. Read before bed.
14. Get rid of old magazines.
15. Plan for next trip and find travel companion.
16. Stop crying so easily - and remember to wash the tears off my face after I'm done crying so that my skin doesn't get irritated. WORKING ON IT.
17. Change sofa, which strains my neck each time I sit on it.
18. Get my ass to the post office and arrange for my mail at the old flat to be forwarded to new one.
19. Get a new wireless router. GOT IT! KEV GOT IT AND SET IT UP FOR ME.
20. Exercise, walk, do yoga again.