Unpleasant Experience

Years ago I had this pathetic experience at work....

I was working in Johnson & Johnson, a company I had wanted to get into for many years, and had this male boss who put me down, snapped at me, made me feel useless almost every day. Some days, when he was in a better mood, he'd be nicer to me, but most days he was very mean and nasty.

I remember trying very hard to please him, making my analysis as detailed as possible, trying to establish better relationships with my clients, thinking of new promotions to launch in my accounts, helping him deal with stuff he didn't want to deal with. I did everything within my capacity, hoping that one day he'd change the way he treated me and start to show appreciation for my work. Didn't happen. Each day I cried before going to work, while hoping that I wouldn't get yelled at that day. Each day I felt so pathetic, still holding on to the job when my boss clearly didn't like me and clearly wasn't going to change. I even tried to talk to him nicely about it, but he ended up blaming me instead for not being good enough. I needed and wanted the job, so I stayed despite all that crap I was getting.

After two and a half years, I left the company without any regrets.

That experience still bothers me sometimes, remembering how I was like a victim. If you know me, I'm no victim. It really felt horrible knowing I was doing my very best and still wasn't appreciated, and was even blamed for his emotional outbursts. Looking back, I wish I hadn't cared so much about the job and how he saw me as a staff, so I wouldn't have had to appear so helpless, vulnerable and desperate.

This is something I want to remind myself of: If I am already doing my absolute best with little room to improve, yet am not receiving the appreciation I deserve, when the time comes, gracefully walk away. No crying, no begging, no blaming myself.

Happiness

Came back to Asia last Sunday and now I am in Laos for work already, next stop will be Singapore.

Oh I had a wonderful trip! I never knew I could feel so good on a trip taking the backseat and doing things not that unfamiliar to me, instead of exploring new adventures. What I am trying to say is, I had a lovely time letting him show me around his hometown (and letting him meet my best friend and brother), getting to know his family and friends, getting a feel of what his life was like back in New York. In a way, it was an exploration trip, finding out more about him and being surprised by all the simple pleasures. I wish I could stop time so that we stay happily in love and won't hurt each other again.

You know, we all say that we just want to be happy. We often forget that happiness takes a lot of conscious effort for it to happen - it doesn't just happen. Especially for those of us who live a hectic life, with endless stress from work, and countless number of friends and acquaintances fighting for our attention, it does take a lot of effort to not let all these complicate our lives and overwhelm us. I think most of us live in a world where we overstate the importance of getting as many things done as possible, having as many friends as possible, pleasing as many people as we can..... In the end we lose what's most important to us because, whatever that is, it failed to get the attention and focus that it needed. Call me cynical, I do believe that big cities corrupt the mind. Often times we end up with a lot of everything but not the most important thing, leaving us lost and miserable.

I wish for myself and everyone I care about continuous effort to simplify life and self-reminder to cherish the things/people we value most in our lives.

The Big Apple

Yep, here I am in NYC. The trip did happen afterall - otherwise I would be writing from Italy, Morocco or India right now, someplace crazy.

It feels strangely nice here, reminds me a lot of life back in Toronto - except in Toronto we pretty much only have uptown Toronto Chinese neighborhood, uptown Toronto non-Chinese neighborhood, cool Yonge & Eglington area which is like East side in NYC, downtown Toronto... and of course our city is more modern without the super quaint and old neighborhoods and architecture I see in NYC which are super cool.

I've already been to tons of places in past 3 days, after plenty of walking. Today we'll be heading to MoMA and Mamma Mia show, then meeting up with Kevin's brother for drink / dinner. Would be awesome if we could also do a picnic in Central Park (sky is clearing up now after a lot of rain last night), but let's see.

I don't miss North America much because it just feels like home, but I do enjoy it when I'm there. When we were walking around charming neighborhoods, I couldn't help but think how lovely it'd be to stay in those old houses, with repainted facades, sweet little balconies. In fact, it wasn't a new idea I had, I had thought of this 10 years ago watching You've Got Mail.

It feels very nostalgic to be back in N America, remembering life back then, and things that have shaped me in the past 8 years or so in Asia. I have also been thinking a lot about Now What? in the past few days. I really have no idea and it has been bothering me. However, I just realized that I've only been stressing myself out because now I have options and it's a matter of not knowing how to choose. When I mentioned that 10 years ago I had wished I could move into a flat like that, I realized that 10 years ago it had been a dream - now it's different because if I want it bad enough I could do it.

In a way it's a relief to know that there's options available for me to decide.

OK, time to get ready for a BIG DAY in BIG APPLE.

Faith

Friday night I dreamed of everything going back to normal and I had the best weekend of my life. Waking up from that dream on Saturday morning, my first thought was: ah crap, just a dream! Ha sucks doesn't it, imagine you dream of a really relaxing vacation and when you wake up it's Monday morning getting-ready-for-work time!!

It's become a habit now, waking up in the midde of the night (3am) and early in the morning (6am), each time instinctively checking my phone if there was text message saying "let's not throw this away, let's work at it" or simply "can I come over". I don't cry anymore, I think it's started to sink in. Afterall, there was nothing I could do at this point.

I met up with a friend over drinks and chicha (something I hadn't done for a while). She asked me what was going to happen to the long-anticipated NY/Orlando/Toronto trip, whether I would watch his match on Sunday night, whether I believed he would come back..... I told her,"as much as I wish there's more I could do, say, offer, it's really not up to me to decide if he wants to just give it up and not deal with the issue - whatever it maybe. I can be as optimisitic as possble, as always, but I can't be only the believer in us."

I remember I once said this to someone,"you know what, I am very glad I don't have to put up with this anymore, always trying to convince you why it was stupid to fight about those little things, why we shouldn't get angry about things because it really hurt the relationship, why we shouldn't lose faith in each other so hastily. I'm very sick and tired of that role!"

It does feel very lonely to be the only person still having faith in something. You try your best to convince others, and after so many attempts, your faith wanes as well.

Expiry

I finished my report very quickly and decided to take half day leave / sick leave to see the doctor and rest.

I spent an hour at the beach, which had never looked prettier - just a hint of whitish mist in front of the hilly backdrop, over the greenish calm water, with a bright peach-pink sun about to set. I felt sad though, knowing it was my last beach visit for the year as fall has already arrived.

I went to my neighborhood supermarket hoping to start taking good care of myself and feeding myself. I ended up with:
- a bag of toilet rolls - the brand that fits into my toilet roll holder
- 4 boxes of Kleenex
- very green bananas
- unripe dragon fruits
- a lotus flower
- a carton of apple juice
- a carton of soya bean milk
- dried dates
- butter - because he had left my fridge door open a month ago and my butter had turned bad
- 12 bottles of 1.5L Evian water
- 3 ears of sweet corn
- 2 small starfruit sorbets

Now I'm sitting here hungry, cos I can't cook with any of these. Just a month ago, when I was doing the same shopping trip, I used to buy red meat, vegetables, potatos, spices to cook for both of us. This time, I pushed the cart around the supermarket aimlessly and had no idea what I could cook for myself. When I was in a relationship, I could try to get us both to eat right, cooking broccoli, soup, beef slices, fried eggs with mushrooms or tomatoes, pan fried salmon (which was a disaster).... There was the common goal to make each other healthier. Now I'm on my own again, and I completely lost the motivation to live healthily.

It sucks to be alone, unless you're starting to see other people. We were both happy living together for months. I don't know why he's been struggling to set himself free lately. I suppose I need to keep reminding myself not to ask why, since it's already a fact that he pushed me away and now he got what he wanted.

He hasn't even been reading my blog in the past few months. Perhaps there was an expiry date on the relationship, of eight months, only the sticker had fallen off and I hadn't realized.

Fantasyland

There's a place on a faraway planet called Fantasyland. In Fantasyland, couples fall in love, and live happily ever after. They laugh, and play, and cuddle, look out for each other, go on adventures together... going to the forest to camp, going to the lake to fish, or just having picnic on the grassland. The sky is always blue, the clouds like cotton candy. The sun is warm... When it does rain, it is like colorful shooting stars and Disney fireworks! The couples are like each other's best friend, they never part, never lie, never betray or hurt each other. They protect each other and take care of each other when one falls sick. They do not question their love for each other. Whatever they do, it comes from the heart, not because of duty or obligation... Yes they do fight. Over what? Who gets the last bite of food... Who's first to warm up the bed in winter! Most importantly, they never part. Did I mention that already? Yes, they never part. They never let go, no matter what happens. There's no reason to let go. They're best friends.

I left my Fantasyland and I cried and I cried and I cried, like a baby just feeling the need to cry, without thinking what she's crying over. And I am crying again... I was led to believe such a relationship exists, and I was living it. When two people cared so much about each other, and had so much laughs and happy moments together, what could pull them apart? The "I" factor? "I" want this, "I" want that, "I" am more important than "you", "I" am more important than "we"?

I know this is the reality but I don't want to accept it just yet, not now. I thought he'd always been a "we" person but perhaps, he never was. Pls let me fall asleep and never wake up again. I don't want to live in this cruel world.

A Beautiful Mess

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shouted cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, Here we are
Here we are
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

Through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds, out of this earth
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.

Screw teamwork

I think teamwork is way overrated.

At work, I assumed different teams should work together towards a common goal. In reality, each player often cares about his or her own self-interest and only tries to reach the minimum level required at most, depending on his or her priorities, not really trying to help one another out. Lots of times, I see people not showing a sense of responsibility for the overall success.

In relationships, I assumed that a couple should be a team, looking out for each other, making decisions best for the team. In reality, sometimes one person makes decisions without considering the other person's wishes or interests, or even feels like the partner is bringing him/her down, making him/her look bad. Of course, partner jumping ship is also not uncommon.

It really frustrates me, because I really have been naive enough to really believe in collective interest and I honestly dare say that I have made a lot of personal sacrifices for the better good of the "team", both at work and in relationships. When I challenge these people, I often hear them say "oh but I have done A, B, and C for the team". What about incidents D and E where your actions proved otherwise?

The way the world functions really confuses me, and my head is now spinning. Why can't we STOP forming teams and just do things out of self-interest? Why can't we have more small / boutique companies instead of large multinationals with mutiple teams? Why should there be marriage and relationship when clearly the system doesn't work, as proven by the high divorce rate. At the end of the day, people are driven by self-interest. People are born to be selfish. They want to do what they like, what makes them happy.

I feel like a confused teenager asking all these rhetorical questions.

Alone Again, Naturally

I'm becoming more and more convinced that some people are meant to be single, no matter how much they want to be in a normal relationship. Perhaps some people have personality traits that make them difficult to be with, as partners?

I'm increasingly convinced that I'm one of those people. I've tried very very hard to share, to love, to accommodate, to accept, but I'm still not happy when little things go wrong because they remind me how much effort it took to have a simple relationship without soap opera drama anymore.

I've been looking for someone to walk with me at more or less the same pace, in more or less the same direction - only to finally realize that I do walk (and occasionally skip, hop, run) at varying paces, and I change directions as I wish. It's difficult for me to continuously follow someone's standard pace in a single direction, and it's even more difficult for someone to try and follow mine.

I don't know what to do, "knowing" that I'm probably among 1% of the population meant to live alone.

For a laugh

Been under the weather, and busy with work, so no time to write anything.

Can't believe it's another year already, and it's going to be my birthday again in just 3 days. Trust this one is going to be better than last year's, at least chilled, tear-free, drama-free (fingers crossed). No plans to celebrate this year, though in the past birthdays had to have flowers and cake and card... all those rules and formalities :P

I've been feeling very drained and exhausted lately. This birthday, I wish for continued happiness and love, as well as new beginnings in life and career. Ah, and good health as well - sounds lame but I fell sick a lot in the past year.

Here's a cute song to share with you. Makes me laugh each time I listen to it cos I happen to be visiting NYC (and Orlando) next month:

心動

給那些只活在回憶的人...

有多久沒見你　以為你在哪裡
原來就住在我心底　陪伴著我的呼吸
有多遠的距離　以為聞不到你氣息
誰知道你背影這麼長　回頭就看到你

＊過去讓它過去　來不及
從頭喜歡你　白雲纏繞著藍天
如果不能夠永遠走在一起
也至少給我們懷念的勇氣　擁抱的權利
好讓你明白　我心動的痕跡

重唱　＊

總是想再見你　還試著打探你消息
原來你就住在我的身體
守護我的回憶

Stats: How Many Women in HK Fit into GF Criteria of Typical XBC?

Flipped version of the prevoius note. So, based on my BF criteria, I was left with only 3-4 men in HK who fit my basic requirements and might ask me out. What about guys? How many girls in HK fit into GF criteria of a "typical" XBC (Foreign Born Chinese)? Of course, everyone's standards are different. Just as an illustration, using some common criteria among my male friends, here the calculation.

HK Population: 6.963 million
AND Female : 3.665 million
AND Age 25-34: 605,500
AND Never Married: Never Married incidence is 50% = 302,750
AND With Degree: Incidence 30.5% = 92,339
AND Chinese born in HK, Macau, European Countries, US, UK, Canada, Australia, or Oceania; Chinese born in Mainland China but holding other passports: Incidence 90% = 82105
AND 5'4" to 5'7": Young female adult in HK mean height is slightly less than 5'3" according to the Education Commission of S.A.R. Estimated incidence (I have no sense of height, so just a rough estimate): 40% = 32842
AND English as usual language or close to usual language:
Incidence of "English as usual language" is only 0.51% among Chinese in overall population above 5 years old, there is no information by age group. So, let's assume among this age group, the incidence is 1% (which makes sense, among general population, not just among other English speaking friends you hang out with). So if one is okay with "close to somewhat good English but not quite as 'usual language'" then let's triple the incidence just like what I did for mine - 3% = 985
AND Better looking than 40% of women (overall appearance including physique): 591
AND No stable boyfriend yet: Estimate incidence...err...60%?! = 355
AND NOT too bitchy, obviously gold-digging (most guys don't care about the rest right?): Estimate incidence 70%: 249
AND Would say yes if you asked them out on a date Estimated incidence 100%: 249

CONCLUSION:
1. For most foreign born Chinese men who are primarily English speaking, there are roughly 249 women you can possibly ask out, if your standards are not too high. (If you have additional expectations, then keep filtering based on n=249)

2. Men in HK are lucky bastards ;P

Statistics

HK Population: 6.963 million
Male Population in HK: 3.298 million
Male Population Age 30-39 in HK: 477,300
Male Population Age 30-39 AND Never Married in HK:
Never Married incidence is 40% = 190,920

Male Age 30-39 AND Never Married AND English as "Usual Language" AND of Specific Ethnicities in HK:
- English as Usual Language is 1% among this male age group, including Chinese (HK & Non HK), British, Japanese, American, Canadian, Australian, Others = 1,909
- To relax the criteria, assuming I include Europeans and South Americans whose first language is not English, but second language is, and Chinese educated overseas whose English is almost a first language, then let's assume that boosts the incidence to 3% = 5727

Male Age 30-39 AND Never Married AND English as "Usual Language" AND of Specific Ethnicities AND 5'10" or above in HK:
- Reference for Average Adult Height around the World:
- Chinese (HK) men - 5'7"
- Chinese (non HK) men - 5'5 1/2"
- Australian men - 5'10"
- American men - 5'10"
- Japanese men - 5'8"
- Canadian men - 5'8 1/2"
- British men - 5'9"
Basically, apart from American and Australian, majority of men fail the height criteria. Hence incidence is roughly 10% at best = 573

Male Age 30-39 AND Never Married AND English as "Usual Language" AND of Specific Ethnicities AND 5'10" or above AND with slightly above average looks in HK:
Incidence 40% = 229

The above AND final criteria:

a) unattached (no girlfriend or a whole bunch of flings, despite above average looking, tall and in their prime): Estimated incidence 30% (a very optimistic figure)= 69

b) great personality and can make me laugh: Estimated incidence 30% = 23

c) find me attractive: Estimated incidence 30% (random number, no rationale at all) = 7

d) dare ask me out:
Estimated incidence 50% at best = 3-4

[Note: I have not placed any filters on Education/ Employment, assuming most men whose first, or close to first, language is English in HK and are of the above ethnicities are most likely educated and working.]

CONCLUSION
1. There are only 23 men in HK who fit into my search criteria (not that I need to search anymore), 7 who might also find me attractive, and 3 to 4 who might also ask me out. Yep, 3-4.

2. Perhaps the criteria I set are too ideal - though, already I have not filtered out men who don't like the beach / cannot swim / do not like the outdoors / do not enjoy good films/ cannot do math ................

3. Treasure what I found.

Serious Research

Background & Facts
Hong Kong rainfall in the month of June 2008 was a record high in 125 years, reaching 1346.1 millimetres. Total rainfall in the first six months of 2008 was about 69% above average level.

Issues & Implications
1. Since my normal beach/swimming season began in May, sunny weekends have been extremely rare ==> I have only visited the beach 3 times for swimming (dragonboat practice not included).
2. Due to heavy and more seriously, continuous, rainfall, sea water has been heavily polluted hence unfit for swimming ==> even when there was occasional sunshine, I still could not go swimming.
3. South Bay Beach was also closed for more than half a week due to water contamination ==> leaving me with no choice but to resort to Middle Bay.
4. Beach water quality suffered everywhere in Hong Kong. Even former Grade 1* beaches, such as South Bay and Turtle Cove, have dropped in their rating. As of today, the only Grade 1 beach left in Hong Kong is Hung Shing Yeh on Lamma Island.

Solution
1. Keep monitoring beach water quality and weather forecast everyday to ensure I will not miss out on a rare perfect match - Grade 1 for South Bay AND sunny periods forecasted AND 3 days after heavy rainfall.
2. Consider travelling to Lamma Island on a sunny day - 3 days after heavy rainfall - to swim in Grade 1 sea water.
2. Start planning for relocation to a tropical island.

Resources Required
Link to 2007 Annual Beach Water Quality Report
Link to Updated Beach Water Quality Report
Link to Yahoo HK Weather Forecast


*Beach Water Grading system of Environmental Protection Department:

			(Cases p
GRADE 1	BEACH WATER QUALITY Good	E. COLI # (COUNT PER 100ML) <= 24	MINOR ILLNESS RATE (CASES / 1000 SWIMMERS) Undetectable
2	Fair	25 - 180	<= 10
3	Poor	181 - 610	11 - 15
4	Very Poor	> 610 or last reading > 1600	> 15

# Except where indicated, the E. coli level is the geometric mean E. coli level of the 5 most recent sampling occasions.
* Skin and gastrointestinal illnesses.

Saudade of the Beach

Friend was teasing me the other day about the beach-perfect weather I missed out on because I was travelling in Beijing. I was a bit upset that I had been waiting for a sunny day in the past month and when it finally arrived I was out of town. :(

This friend also posted some pictures of South Bay Beach on facebook and of course I couldn't help but check them out for a bit of saudade. Then I saw this beautiful picture of the beach taken at night - which was quite rare - and it reminded me my best memories of the beach were actually mostly evening/night-time ones despite my love of the sun. I will always always miss this view of South Bay.

Untitled

Woke up by mosquito bites at 2:30am, I had trouble going back to sleep and ended up reading some old emails and chat history with friends.....

I watched a local movie called "Happy Birthday" last night on DVD, about this girl who looks forward to birthday blessings each year from this guy she dated back in college days and is still in love (but not in a relationship) with - his blessings are to her the only confirmation of his love for her. The movie was fine but I actually liked the special features better, especially when the actors and actresses talk about their view of the story and the characters' emotional journies. The writer and main character talks about how people nowadays have become increasingly insecure in relationships, with so much going on in everyday life, so many distractions..... one grows from not knowing what he/she wants to feeling he/she is sure what he/she wants, then doubting whether something really is what he/she wants..... She finds that the older she gets, the more clueless she is about relationships.

Re-reading past emails and chat sessions with people I rarely contact these days reminded me of this movie (the special features of this movie, rather). Perhaps life is not about ultimately understanding what everything is about, but just simply enjoying, indulging in the process, the learning experience itself? Perhaps there is no such thing as THE thing or person you want, because it changes at different points in your life as a result of your life encounters? I am starting to convince myself that I know nothing, and that it is totally fine not knowing.

Expectations

Lately, I've been trying to start living my life without expectations. When I went for a walk alone last Monday, I suddenly realized why people say "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" - it's good to hope but don't expect because you set yourself up for a letdown.

We tend to expect certain things from others based on our personal experience of similar situations, or what we hear about other people's experience. We expect a decent salary rise after a very positive year-end review; the person to stick around after promising not to let you suffer alone anymore; a burnt out light bulb to be replaced after someone offered to replace it for you...

I went to see a hypnotherapist / life counsellor a few weeks ago to understand myself better and he made me realize that by believing that things are supposed to happen in certain ways as based on my interpretation of how things should happen logically, I risk setting myself up for a letdown. He was so right. He suggested that I try and live myself without expecting anything, allowing myself to think that I don't know anything and that it is alright not to know.

It's easier said than done, of course, but perhaps it is the right way to live, hoping for things to happen, but not expecting them to necessarily happen. Sort of like believing in the moment, but not allowing your mind to think ahead what may proceed.

I'm still trying to master this skill in a positive way - otherwise I may end up living without any hopes (and that's one of the saddest things in life) or I may end up trusting no one but myself because only I will never fail myself and will put my happiness first.

Makes me sleepy contemplating what is the right way to live one's life...zzzzz

Getting Ready

Can't believe another year has passed and I'm getting ready for my dragon boat race tomorrow.

This year I'm paddling with the UBC/UT team and it's much more organized than my company one. We just had our pre-race dinner, totally loaded with carbs. I just drank another bottle water to keep my body hydrated. Packed my bag for tomorrow morning:

- 3 bananas
- 3 energy bars
- 2 1.5-litre bottles of water
- shades
- uniform and cap
- towel
- inhaler
- flip flops to walk around
- gloves
- spare contact lenses
- camera
- sunblock (will be lucky if we don't have thunderstorm, not sure if sunblock will be needed)

Am so excited, and nervous. Am hoping I can do my best tomorrow. Now, going to do some stretching, get some rest, and get mentally prepared for the real thing tomorrow.

Oh, and a very important point: This year I have Kev going to the race with me to cheer for me during the first race too! :>

北京

Finally, I get to travel to a city I've never visited before in 2 weeks' time - Beijing.

It's exciting because it will be so different from anywhere else I have travelled to. I have heard so much about it, yet still have so little idea what to expect. I recall receiving text messages from a friend last year raving about some cool places in Beijing and insisting on me checking it out someday. I am really curious how I will find it.

Having said that, my trip isn't all about exploring the city, but also catching up with my friends. I have 3 friends (Marianne, Bonatto and Emin) currently living in Beijing and they are kind enough to let me stay with them. Emin lives near CBD, Marianne and Bonatto in the countryside near the Language and Culture University. I really look forward to hanging out with them and letting them "foreigners" show me their favourites in Beijing.

Alright, tomorrow I'll get a Luxe Guide and start picking the top few places I need to visit during my 4 day trip!

Rush

I had a LEGENDARY (too much How I Met Your Mother!) dragonboat practice on Saturday, and was very proud of my performance (I know, I know, it's a TEAM sport, right?).

Last week I started getting ready for the practice and the race, doing dead lifts with dumbbells Kev got me, drinking lots of water, adding a lot more carbs to my diet, stretching, swimming..... During the practice itself, we did 4 trial races, each race consisted of about 150 strokes. The races were really amazing! Since last year's race, I hadn't felt that adrenaline rush again, with such strong focus, determination and force to hang on till the very last stroke. I didn't even realized how intense a workout it was until my deltoids, triceps, lower back, pectoral muscles (upper), glutes and hamstrings started aching like crazy since last night!

What I really want to say is, it feels GOOD to be focused and determined, giving it 110% without holding back at all. If I could apply this to every aspect of my life, I'd lead a very fulfilled and content life.

PS: And now I have to get my aching bum off the sofa to get some sleep. Ouuuch!

Checklist

I always tell people around me they need to love themselves and take good care of themselves, starting with the little things. Here's a checklist for myself:
1. Replace the battery in my electric toothbrush since I never changed it since I got it more than half a year ago. DONE.
2. Throw out all the food, drinks, liquer in my fridge as I found the fridge door open one day and everything in it was already warm by then. DONE.
3. Eat a fruit a day. DONE.
4. Drink at least 4 glasses of water a day, for a start. PARTIALLY DONE ON DRAGONBOAT PRACTICE DAY.
5. Make myself Earl Grey again, with milk and honey.
6. Drink milk everyday.
7. Buy myself fresh flowers every week. DONE.
8. Paint my nails with clear gloss. DONE.
9. Listen to music.
10. Change/remove some of my playlists which have been haunting me.
11. Make some homemade yoghurt face mask and start paying attention to my (smooth!) skin again.
12. Continue to floss regularly. DONE.
13. Read before bed.
14. Get rid of old magazines.
15. Plan for next trip and find travel companion.
16. Stop crying so easily - and remember to wash the tears off my face after I'm done crying so that my skin doesn't get irritated. WORKING ON IT.
17. Change sofa, which strains my neck each time I sit on it.
18. Get my ass to the post office and arrange for my mail at the old flat to be forwarded to new one.
19. Get a new wireless router. GOT IT! KEV GOT IT AND SET IT UP FOR ME.
20. Exercise, walk, do yoga again.

Freedom

Was just chatting with my friend about love and relationship, how people can do really horrible things to those they supposedly care about. My friend said that perhaps those people let go of relationships because they didn't care. I said perhaps they just cared more about other things, such as their pride, their ego, other love interest, or their freedom.

We agreed that freedom was probably the ultimate reason.

Relationships aren't easy. You give up freedom to do anything or say anything you want, whenever you want. You give up freedom to be selfish.

As free-spirited as I am, I can't see how I will be happier having absolute freedom but live for myself and myself alone. I love myself very much, but I think life is only meaningful when it is more than just me and myself...

And my life continues

Dear friends,

I haven't updated my blog for a while only because I have been extremely busy. In the past 4 weeks alone, I was in Bali, KL, Sydney, and today flying to Bangkok for work.

For the first time in my life, I seriously wish to cut all the business traveling, and try to cut my trips as short as I can so that I can spend as much time in HK as possible. Also for the first time in my life, I managed to cut the amount of drama in my life to zero, appreciate the comfort of stability, and allow myself to be loved and cherished.

I have to rush to my dragonboat practice now, so I have to make this short. I just want you all NOT to worry about me, because I am truly happy now. I really really am. I appreciate everything I have now and I will do my best to stay happy and keep things simple. A good friend read my blog finally and felt heavy-hearted knowing the emotional journey I had gone through in the past year. Things happen for a reason. Without the drama, I wouldn't have learned to appreciate happiness coming from stability and simplicity. I wouldn't have known that stability and simplicity did not necessarily mean boredom, lack of passion. I'm in a happy relationship with a "nice guy" and we make each other laugh all the time. :) He takes good care of me, makes me his priority, and vice versa.

As I predicted, there is still tons of wonderful things waiting for me in life. I'm experiencing one of them.

Weaknesses I never mentioned in job interviews

Easily distracted - I check my email and facebook every 5 minutes even when I am rushing report commentaries.
Short attention span - I get tuned out when people keep talking and talking. Again, I need a break like every 5 minutes.
Impatient - mainly with others' indecision, lack of logic/thinking in their questions, inefficiency.
Rude/Blunt/Direct - I don't like to beat around the bush unless absolutely necessary, and I try to avoid lying as much as I can, but often times I end up hurting people's feelings or offending them by being too direct and honest. I think I should try to do a better job keeping some of my thoughts to myself.
"Naive" - I believe in the good of people, even when they themselves don't believe in it. I give them the benefit of a doubt until they prove me wrong (let me down).
Self-centered - As much as I'd like to be sweet, considerate and accommodating, when it becomes too much and my own wants are sacrificed, I throw in the towel and walk out. Sometimes I wonder if I enjoy my own company too much. I prefer to travel alone. I'd rather have no company than bad company, no date than bad date. I prefer to work harder alone than work less but have to deal with people who drain all my energy.
"Too" free spirited - I am very spontaneous and don't do enough things with long-term benefits in mind. Between a boring but good husband-material guy and someone I can fall madly in love with right now, I most likely will pick the latter.
Bad with rules and orders - I do not take orders from people and I always break rules. Even my parents never told me what to do.
Miscellaneous: Clumsy, Silly, Moody, Bad at making my bed, Neat freak................

Across the Universe - Something

Beautiful scene, and the way he sings my favourite song.

Blank

My mind has been blank the past week, partly because I have been working ridiculously long hours, party because of my stomach flu, and partly because I didn't know what to think about anymore.

A mental habit is often more difficult to change than a physical, behavioural habit. I wonder if my 21-day rule applies to the mind as well. Physically, I have gotten used to occupying my whole bed again, not having kisses and hugs at all. Behaviourally, I have completely stopped expecting any emails or smses. Mentally, I have been having a lot of flashbacks but at least I have completely stopped dwelling on the emotions. Though, something still isn't right. My mind is blank most of the time - even now when I'm typing it is like bleh - without happy thoughts, excitement, anticipation, passion. It's not me. I wonder how much longer I need to float around like this before finding myself again.

What if my mind gets accustomed to being blank after 21 days?

Right now, all I want is to be on a quiet little island, alone, sitting on the beach under the sun all day staring blankly at the sea thinking about absolutely nothing. Completely switched off.

The Anatomy of Peace

The Anatomy of Peace is the book I've referred to a few times in my blog. It made a difference to my thinking and changed me in some ways, allowing peace to come into my mind and my heart in situations where I would have otherwise let my anger and pride consume me.

A true story:
Someone let me down. Really really really badly. I cried and I cried and I cried. One friend wrote me a note wishing me well and asking me not to cry too much. Another friend in S Africa told me never to mention that person's name again. I saw my best friend in Toronto online and briefly told her what had happened. I told her how angry I had been and how I had shouted at that person: I would give up my whole world for you and you are telling me you are giving me up because it seems too complicated and difficult!?

My friend empathized with my frustration and then, to my surprise, I said,"well, it's ok. I probably freaked him out when I told him I needed him to be absolutely sure this was something he wanted badly and would do everything he could to make things work because I couldn't do this alone. At least he was honest with me, and admitted that he had doubts, uncertainty and he was not ready. It's okay." I was surprised not at what I said, but how I felt when I said it. I truly meant it, and felt it, when I said "it's okay". I fully accepted that he was not ready, and I stopped dwelling on the pain and great disappointment I had been feeling.

It's really okay. Things don't always (usually) work out the way we want. People don't always (usually) walk at our pace, think as we do. That's why when we DO finally find the right match, we try not to let go easily.

My life doesn't stop here. I believe that there are more wonderful things waiting for me in my life.

I really hope you will read this book, because I trust it can make a difference to your life as well.

Voice

My dear,

I feel very sorry for you. I tried not to feel sorry, because that would make you feel even sorrier - but I have to admit I really feel very bad for you, knowing the rollercoaster you've been through, the immense pain you must be feeling right now, the doubts you may have about yourself, your dreams, your faith, your beliefs.

Allow yourself to feel all the emotions you are feeling right now, but I beg you not to allow yourself to drown in these emotions. Look around you. There are people who truly care about you, and there are more of these people whom you haven't had a chance to meet yet. You know that your life does NOT end here, there are tons of wonderful things waiting for you out there!

Yes, I know someone failed you, someone you really loved and wanted a future with. I know what you've given were real feelings, real emotions, real self, real love - but what you received was only real in that particular moment. I know you truly thought all that would last - but it didn't, it melted like cotton candy and it's the cruel truth you have to accept. All those memories meant a great deal to you, enough for you to believe the significance of that person in your life, that it was no coincidence you met - but if the other person does not have the same belief, it is useless how hopeful, how determined you are to create a future.

I look forward to seeing your smile again, your chuckles, your silliness, your mischievous deeds. Soon, you will love yourself again, and allow others to love you. In 2 months your summer will start again! How lovely!

Take care. Muitos muitos abraços fortes, beijos, e carinhos!

Young Folks

I admit I made a wrong judgement, thinking black was white.

I still believe most things in this world are black or white, with a few grey exceptions. And if one disagrees, it's because that person doesn't believe in his judgement and tries to make himself feel better by convincing himself most things are different shades of grey anyways.

No, I refuse to believe I am naive. I believe in how I feel about things, and I am not afraid of chasing my dreams. I don't doubt my dreams until they are completely crushed. And I don't believe that this thinking is naive and impractical.

Don't you dare tell me dreams are impractical.

What Role Will You Play?

I wish I could have a little device that tells me what role each person will play in my life.

Lifetime friend?
Mentor?
Life partner?
2-month fling?
Unforgettable lover?
Time-filler?
Psychotic stalker trying to steal my life and identity?
Good friend who will hold my hand through hard times?
Someone who will bring out the best in me?
Someone who will bring me lots of laughter?
Fairweather friend?
No particular role?
.....

My question really is: How can I have faith in someone to love me the best he can, to want me to love him the best I can, to really want to play a significant role in my life and vice versa?

If someone asked me that, I would say: My dear, faith is about trusting without needing proof. It's a gut feel so strong you just believe and not question.

Koka-Bear

Last week I bumped into a pup that looked like a bear on the street. It was adorable!!! I played with him and found out that his sister and he were from the dog rescue and the sis was looking for a home.

The foster parent of the puppy emailed me picture of the sister and my heart melted - it was a little black "bear", looked really cute and sweet. I was all ready to adopt her and was arranging to meet with her when I was told she had just been adopted by someone else.

I am feeling so sad now. For half a day, I was convinced she would become a part of my life. All my friends were very excited about Koka-Bear (her name's Koka, and I decided recently that my future puppy would be called Bear) asking me when I would be getting her, looking forward to playing with her. Now I feel like I've got a miscarriage, and my baby's gone.

*CRY*

Sunshine memories

A Brazilian friend messaged me and said she had been thinking of me because it was summer in Brazil. You know what an honor that was, coming from a Brazilian!?!

LOL. I do miss the sun terribly terribly!!! I miss every single memory I have related to the sun and the beach! Those who used to go to the beach with me.

Box

I remember half a year ago I had a hypnosis session asking the healer to help me take away that immense pain in my heart, that block in my throat I was feeling after my then boyfriend and I separated. The hypnotist kept telling me to visualize and feel that pain and block to its full, then visualize myself putting it into a box, locking it, putting it down on the ground, and slowly walking away from it, saying goodbye. I did what he told me to, and I was healed.

This morning, when I woke up, I recalled this experience, and I cried and I cried and I cried. I realized that with the other person, I had put the pain, the memories and all the feelings in a box - but I had been carrying that box with me wherever I went. Whenever I thought of that person, I would dismiss that thought and think about something else. Yet, such thoughts have been popping up all the time, like flies buzzing around my head. I know I need to put the box down, bury it somewhere at some point.

I am now starting to remind myself: How can you not put the box down, when that person thinks it's a mistake falling in love with you, that it's naive to want to be with you?

I don't want to be anyone's mistake.
.....................................

I went on a date today, and just now the guy called me and asked how I could manage to try and love someone (not necessarily him) again without being afraid of getting hurt again. I said,"there is no guarantee I won't have my heart crushed again, but if I never try again, I will never experience love again, and my life will never have a chance to be complete. I fall, I lift myself up, and I try again.... Emm... and yes, I may fall again... and repeat the process (haha) until finally I can stand still with someone for a long time and be truly happy."

He replied,"I knew you would have a good answer."

Mental Debate

I have not been writing lately, or I have been writing then deleting what I had written , because I feel that this is the beginning of the new year - I should stop indulging in my sad feelings, my broken heart, my shattered hopes!

I have been making very good progress - sharing my life with new friends, going on dates, meeting people, looking after myself, trying to bring some sunshine to people who need it. Though, someone pointed out that I seemed to be relaxing my principles these days, like I have given up on my ideals. Perhaps distractions are what I need right now? Or perhaps one really shouldn't try to reach for the ideal because...

No, I still am not convinced that searching for the ideal is pointless and will always end in disappointment! True, something/one I found very precious failed me - but I refuse to believe that it is a fact of life! I will be living very very happily again, and I will continue my pursuit no matter what!

For now, allow me to enjoy some harmless distractions, while I regain my composure.

Love Myself Again

When I was busy getting ready to move into new flat last week, I suddenly realized that I had not been eating right at all. I had been eating about one meal a day, had not gone grocery shopping for more than one month, had not been eating fruits other than free bananas in office pantry, had not drunk any milk at all for weeks, and I had been very sick for about 3 weeks now. I thought to myself: this is not right, I have to take good care of myself once I have moved into new home.

So this is what I am going to do starting tomorrow. I will remember to love myself again and do everything I can that will make me happy and healthy. Today I finally went to see the doctor about my neverending cough which has been causing my throat to swell up and hurt like hell. Am now under very heavy medication and super drowsy as I type.....

The mourning phase is officially over. I will live life again :)

New Best Friend, Sally

Moved into new flat 2 days ago and already met a new friend, Sally. She is approachable, generous, always ready to help, stable..... My new companion in the neighbourhood.

I am talking about the WIFI connection I've been stealing from since I moved in. I've been using broadband internet connection called "Sally" which my computer detected. It's working really well, very good connection! :P

Byebye I love you!

My last night in this flat. Still with tons of little things lying around, boxes and "red-white-blue" bags stacked up in the living room, like a war zone. I am going to miss my home so so so so much, or rather, the memories in this flat that of course I can bring with me wherever I go. Still, it is different from looking at my sofa and recalling the times when someone used to always fall asleep when waiting for me to change and head out, or when there was not much conversation, only exchange of smiles and stares with someone..... Or the kitchen, where my caipirinhas were prepared..... The bed, where stories were read (some unfinished)..... The bathroom, where someone used to always put toothpaste on my toothbrush for me....

It's now 6:33am. Going to start moving in 2 hours..... I hope to have a good night's sleep tonight. Byebye sweet memories!

Pre-Move

It is so much work to move to a new flat!
Ordering new furniture and curtains;
Making arrangements with moving company;
Arranging all the deliveries and assembling (plant, furniture, TV, curtains)
Finding the right TV (a white Samsung LCD);
Framing a painting;
Thinking of pictures I can put up;
Packing smartly;
Getting rid of things I haven't been using for a long time;
Calling up PCCW to take their Now TV machine back (no need for sports channel since I no longer have a soccer/NBA/tennis crazy boyfriend to please haha);
Buying new plant since my living room is soooooo white;
Buying new cushions to add color and for guests to sit on;
Thinking where to put what in the new flat to optimize space.....

Well, it's my fault. I like to make my flat close to perfect the day I move in, so I have to cramp all the deliveries and assembling within 12 hours, and unpack for 6 hours. Am glad I can do all this without a guy! (Except Stephen who needs to help me set up my TV and DVD, and drill hole in the wall so I can hang the painting)

Walking

Suddenly, I feel glad that I have been through so much in the past year or so. I have evolved so much I think I'm now at my best as a person: so much more independent, calm, self-content, understanding, accepting, accommodating, easy-going and forgiving.

Now, at this very moment, I truly mean it when I say that I am grateful for this difficult journey in the past year. I feel blessed to have met all those who have touched my heart in many different ways, those who have shared so many happy moments and connected with me. And I'm proud to say that I feel loved right now even though I am very single and am sitting on my bed alone. It takes a lot to truly feel loved and cared for without having someone physically beside me.

A few months ago, I wrote about walking alone again, trying to find my path, while feeling sad that the past seemed so fuzzy as I looked back. Now, I am continuing with my journey, walking at a leisurely pace, enjoying the scenery, looking back every now and then - but no more feeling of loneliness, because I know I'm not really walking alone.

Sober Thoughts

I haven't made enough effort to shift to the middle of the bed
Haven't stopped thinking about my missing rock
A name still comes to mind when my alarm goes off
Still stare at the electric toothbrush for an extra second before picking it up
And wonder as I am brushing my teeth what the salty toothpaste really does for me

I have been going out each and every day
Making my schedule as jam-packed as I could
I stopped crying, thinking and ... the occasional smoke
Allowed myself to embrace new beginnings
And be patient with myself, awaiting all the lovely things that will happen to me

Note: 3am, back from a night out with zero alcohol - been coughing like crazy and on antibiotics and painkillers. Totally sober thoughts.

Goodbye (1) - The Table

In 2 weeks, I will be out of this apartment. I've had so much memories here, it's painful to have to leave. Before I go, I want to say goodbye to each memorable part of my home... Starting with The Table.

This is where I used to eat, work, chat online, put my Moleskin notebook, wallet, letters...

Also where they used to put their wallets, keys, Moleskin notebooks, Blackberry, pen, coins...

I have eaten breakfast here many times...
Mango yoghurt, papaya, orange juice and muesli;
Pomegranate yoghurt, grapes, croissant, fried eggs, ham, sausage, Earl Grey, passion fruit juice.

Hairy crab dinner with Gloria;
Angel's hair with pesto with Angela;
Steak with Johnny;
Takeaway dinner and lots of sweet soup with David;
Homemade Chinese soup with different friends.

My Caipirinhas;
Pisco, Amarula shots;
Flaming Pisco and Cachaca.

Beautiful surprise flowers in a vase;
Narcissus flowers during Chinese New Year;
Christmas flowers which died before Christmas.

Connie's cute little notes after cleaning up...

Where numerous research reports were produced and analyzed...

Countless messages of love sent and received...

This is My Table.

21 days

I believe that you can fully get used to any habit within 21 days.

- entering your new PIN number without mistakes
- sleeping on a different side of the bed
- having a new accessory on your body (which you do not take off), like a ring, a bracelet, an anklet, a necklace
- using a new mobile phone
- feeling comfortable in a new flat
- remembering someone's smell
- forgetting someone's smell
- having someone in your everyday life
- not having someone in your everyday life
- loving someone
- not loving someone

Of course, it doesn't mean that you'll enjoy the habit. Though, in 3 weeks' time, you'll likely not feel too much disruptions in your life anymore and ... life goes on.

Catch My Breath

Wow, I feel like I just finished a rollercoaster ride, and waiting for it to start again any second! This has been an extremely crazy week, I still have trouble calming myself down, organizing my thoughts to write!
- had a sudden transfer at work and now have to look after a team of strangers, and some really problematic projects
- late in checking tons of reports that need to be delivered next week
- received soooooooo many emails, everybody hoping I can play God and help him/her
- met a new friend who's everything I look for in a good friend and has been keeping me company
- bumped into my 2nd boyfriend (Chris Chan) who was a complete jerk and is still very full of himself and is eager to meet up - he is back in HK for a week to job hunt
- re-united with my 1st boyfriend's little sister on facebook because she saw me posting a note on her highschool classmate's wall - I haven't seen Carmen (the little sister) for more than 10 years! She was in elementary school when I was dating her brother, and I used to spend a lot of time with her, drawing, walking around flea markets, etc etc
- food poisoning from my welcome lunch - how ironic!! (It's a sign.....?!!) I did a presentation with a really painful heartburn and passed out when I got home...... dizzy and exhausted yesterday but still had a painfully long client meeting.
- going to help a girl find a guy tonight, going to a farewell tomorrow night, having to start planning for the flat move, etc etc etc....

Help!!!!!! My heart is beating so fast it's about to pop out!

December - month of changes

I thought Dec was supposed to be a month of wrapping up and celebrating new beginning. Well it seems like my calendar is a little screwed up and the new beginning is starting a month early!

I asked for changes and I got them all happening at the same time! Looks like a very busy and stressful month... period... ahead. It's not fair - I also asked for a happy, chilled life!! Why wasn't that wish granted??????

Responsibility

Last week I already wanted to write about responsibility. In fact, I finished writing about it, but ended up deleting it because it seemed too negative and I was hoping to start bringing more positive vibe to my blog. Just an excerpt, I was quoting myself from a conversation:

"I just realized it wasn't an issue of adopting versus having my own. Since I was little I've known how unreliable marriage was. What would I do if my future marriage didn'twork out and I had to raise my kid alone?! Look at me, I can totally forget to eat the whole day when I'm feeling sad or tired. As much as I love animals, I can't even keep a puppy at home because it's a big and important responsibility yet I can't even guarantee whether I can come home at decent hours everyday to feed it! If I can't even keep a puppy, how can I raise a baby alone?"

Today, I had a breakthrough: I realized that I was actually ready to keep a dog. Of course, not any dog - I will have to pick a breed that is more likely to be independent since I will still have to be away from home around 10 hours a day on weekdays. Point is, I think I am now ready for the responsibility for various reasons:

Lifestyle
I no longer need to work crazy hours like in the past few years; on average I can leave work around 7 to 7:30pm; I don't stayover at anyone's place (Yes, I'm single!); I don't normally make plans for weeknights except for a few dinners. In other words, I'm much more available (for dating and for the pup!) than before to walk the pup and keep him company. In fact I love going on walks, so it'd be perfect to bring pup along.

Mentality
Between the years of 2001 and 2006, working in HK led me to the mentality of Me Me Me. I was quite self-centered and everything was supposed to be about Me and Me alone. Thus keeping a dog was out of the question as it would mean sacrificing my clubbing time, dating time, work time, sleep time, etc. Because of the Me Me Me mentality, I used to be very afraid of responsibility. More than once I left a guy because it freaked me out knowing that I was partly "responsible" for his happiness. (I know, I was such a bitch!! Hey but at least I've become a sweetie now! haha)

I realized today that I was actually ready to sacrifice part of my personal time or social life, in order to make the dog part of my daily life. I actually wanted to have that responsibility now, to bring some structure to my life and make it more fulfilling.

Self-Fulfillment
Being single now, I think it would be nice to look forward to feeding / playing with my dog after work each day, taking him out on longer walks on the weekend. I think that would make my life happier and more meaningful, to be able to bring love and happiness to my dog. Of course a dog can never be a replacement for a boyfriend. What I am trying to say is, I think it's time I learn to make my life fulfilling, without relying on a guy to light up my world. If I can't be truly happy and comfortable being alone, I will always count on someone else to be my sole supply of happiness - which will be disastrous.

Space
My new flat will be bigger than my current space (of course still not big), with a big full-length window in the living room. I think my dog will enjoy the building view, checking out what other neighbors are doing across the street. Or staring at cars...... haha Well, there will be an open kitchen so overall there will be more space to walk around and play.

As I live in Happy Valley, it'll be lovely walking him around the neighborhood. There is also a little park where dogs and their owners meet at night and play (- referring to the dogs, not the owners). It'll be really sweet.

Name
I will get my Brasilian friend to think of a silly pup name in portuguese!
Minhoquinho! (Chinese would be "chung jai")
Cachorrinho! (Chinese would be "gao jai")
Coelhinho! (Chinese would be "to jai")
Poor pup. His name will be either "pup", "little worm", or "little bunny".

Flat Hunt

I have been flat hunting for weeks in Happy Valley without any luck at all. Rent has gone up so much it is impossible to find anything nice even at 12k! I've pretty much seen all the "nicer" flats at my target rent level though nothing fits my criteria:
1. Bright and airy - an absolute must. What happens when a solar-powered chick is not getting enough sunlight? No energy!
2. Not directly facing another flat too close by - I do have habit of walking around the flat half naked. I don't want to flash kindergarten kids, or provide free entertainment for men across the street.
3. One bedroom, big enough for my double bed, night stand, a new big closet
4. Long living+dining room
5. Roughly NET 400+ square feet
6. Nice and clean bathroom and kitchen
7. Not too noisy. Ideally can hear birds singing in the morning.
8. Old building is okay. As long as interior very clean, off-white, simple walls and decorations.

That's all. Is that too much to ask for? If you ask me, of course I don't think I'm being picky. I didn't even ask for view of sky, moon, sun, sea (which I had had when living at parents')! Admittedly, a lot of people don't mind smaller flats or lack of sunlight...

Well, "keh leh" is the only description I can think of to adequately describe the weirdness level of flats I've seen: (and I wouldn't be too surprised if some of you think "hey what is wrong with that?")
- high floor flat but window all "chopped up" and hence blocking the light
- starry wallpaper in the bedroom (navy blue and yellow), floral wallpaper in the living room
- small and narrow bedroom which reminded me of a coffin
- balcony converted into kitchen (you cook looking at the street)
- nice chic decoration but reminds you of a boutique hotel room
- (most keh leh) fake dome-like ceiling with chandeliers and golden-framed victorian painting and painting lamp - all in a super old tiny flat painted in pink
- clear, close-up view of the Sanitorium hospital (it's very very bad feng shui... "choi!")
- clear, close-up view of flats and kindergarten across the street - I was not joking when I said "flashing kindergarten kids"
- nice, clear view of the Jewish cemetery
- public housing type of hallway, flat looking like a (murder) crime scene

I was really desperate and went around bugging different agents to show me something, even though I had stomach cramps and a headache. Disappointed, I went back to my current agent who knew the neighborhood very well and had very good connections and reputation (she owns the business). Finally, I rented a flat!

To cut the long story short, the agent had helped a rich property owner / long term client purchase this flat and design the layout (it was a big flat now split into 2 units), and her husband was now in charge of the renovations. I wish I could show some pictures - but you'd freak out because they'd be pictures of a war zone. Yep! I rented a flat that wasn't even there yet! I went to look at the surroundings, view and the rough size of the flat. That's it. I have known this middle-aged couple for 2 years and I trusted their taste. They showed me pictures of fixtures they were planning to use and let me decide whether to have 1 big bedroom or 2 rooms..... That flat would be about 6xx square feet, with open kitchen, big, full-size windows, all new renovations, facing east - with buildings across the street but not too near. She also agreed to charge me only 50% of her normal agent fee. If all goes well, I will move in on Dec 23.

So back to my food menu analogy (stolen from a book) - I couldn't pick anything at all from the menu and I decided to call up someone with discriminating taste in food for recommendation. It sounded like what I would really like, and I went for it. Do I know for sure whether it will turn out as I imagined? No. Do I know whether I will certainly love it? No. Do I know what I won't like about it? No. But at least this is my best bet, and it's worth betting on a dream.

還是哭了

終於, 哭了.

到了一個point受不了再多的打擊, 再不捨得, 還是要放手.
很不捨...
很不捨...

小時候, 媽媽說: 記緊將來要找一個真正愛惜你的人,不要讓人傷你的心.
我遇上很多愛惜我的人, 但我沒珍惜他們.
我愛惜的,卻離我而去.
媽媽不知道這年代要找互相愛惜的有多難.

(打中文, 因前男友看不懂, 不想他再擔心.)

Beautiful Girl

Cute song someone sent me, calling me "beautiful girl".

I never quite understand how to interpret it when someone (in general, not specifically referring to anyone) tells me I'm beautiful. Shall I take it as a compliment? Or an insult, being a face + a body? I have learned to accept it as a compliment, acknowledging the comment with a smile. It's a polite response. Though, what exactly does a guy expect a girl to say when he tells her she's beautiful? I mean, if a guy tells me "I really like you", I can tell him "I like you too" or "hmm... okay" or "oh don't be silly". If a guy says to me "muito gostosa", I can say "sim, obrigada" and laugh! :P But telling me I'm beautiful is to me like being told I'm tall. Imagine someone saying "hey you're tall", how do you respond? "Yes I am"? "Nah, I'm not"? "Thank you"?

Still, I enjoy the song.

Routine

I wake up once at 8:15am, let my alarm snooze every 5 minutes, until 8:45am when it stops snoozing.
Drag my lazy body to the living room, check my Gmail, Facebook and Appledaily.
Wear my contacts, brush my teeth, step into the shower, finish my shower, put on lotions.
Go back to my laptop and check for Gmail chat messages.
Blow dry my hair, add a bit of color to my face.
Finally get dressed and leave the flat. It’s 9:45am.

I say Hi to Peter the door guard.
Walk to Sing Woo Rd. 7-Eleven and catch a cab to work.
Arrive at 9:58am.

I turn on my computer and open Gmail, Facebook on Firefox, while Outlook synchronizes my mail.
Start my work day doing the usual: reminding/nagging teammates of outstanding tasks, checking project status, fixing project issues, training teammates, answering internal & external email/phone calls.
Write proposals and reports, do presentations, do cost calculations, meet clients every now and then.
Stare at “Gmail – Inbox (79)” status in the task pane every minute, checking for new mail.
Update my blog if there is something I want to write about – a habit developed after company banned all forms of chat.
Leave for lunch 12:50pm and come back 2:15pm. Sometimes with Chris the Chipmunk (nickname I gave him), sometimes my colleague. A lot of times I skip lunch.
Eat in either Harbor Chiu Chow dim sum restaurant, Saigon Vietnamese, Big Apple, or Shanghai Restaurant.
Go down to Starbucks for a drink, a tea or just a chat with my colleague or Chris the Chipmunk everyday.
Come back from lunch carrying on with my work or non-work.
Leave work finally at 7:15pm most times, sometimes around 8:30pm, occasionally midnight or later.

My evenings are a bit of a blur, depends on whatever comes up... or not. I wish I could add more variations to my evenings, since daytime routine is pretty much fixed. Though most of my friends are only up for dinners - not cooking, walking, movies, jazz gigs, listening to music and chill.

I am the least disciplined person, yet I have a routine too. Weird.

I just felt a bit dizzy and realized that one thing was missing in my routine: 3+ proper meals a day.

Baby Isaiah

My best friend Michelle just brought a huge smile to my face with Baby Isaiah's very cute pictures:

Funny SMS

Was having a pretty yucky day when an sms made me laugh:

A: Hi Cindy, can you watch Brazilian movie with no subtitles yet?
(I was taking the MTR with a friend to a pot luck dinner and I started laughing like silly.)
Me: Ha ha what do you think?!
A: There is this new movie that is a hit in Brazil "Tropa de Tiro". My friends brought a fake copy - but has no eng subtitles. Maybe you would like to practice your listening...
Me: Very sweet of you to think of me but, I don't even know what the title means! Lol! But if it's a graphic comedy like Borat then perhaps I can laugh along :P
A: Pure violence in Rio - vis a vis city of god. I guess all blood is red in any language. Anyway, they also brought some tv series with subtitles that I can lend to you to practice.
Me: Red is universal. Sounds good! Thanks. That would help!
A: Cool :) I'll do a movie session sometime this week and I'll put you in the guest list...

And he didn't realize he brought me my first laugh of the day!

New Blog

All posts below are imported from my old blog. They are already in chronological order (most recent near the top), with original posting dates added to the titles.

I hope that I can write a bit more freely, since only closer friends and complete strangers will know about this blog!

Blog (Nov 23, 07)

I didn't realize so many of you have been reading my blog because hardly anyone ever left me comments. It wasn't until some of you mentioned to me recently in conversations that I found out. It's nice to know that some of my friends are curious what I've been up to, what I'm thinking.

A good friend told me she felt sad after reading some of my posts. Please, Friends, don't be sad!! If anything, you should feel reassured - because these posts in the past year prove that life is full of surprises, and it is a learning experience. Yes, one could focus on the negative and argue that I had a really shitty year, filled with tears and hurt feelings; farewells and heartbreaks. Yet, I would focus on the positive, and argue that I had an eventful year: overcame a lot of challenges; became stronger, calmer and more peaceful; fell madly in love; had tons of laughter; opened my eyes to new possibilities; learned a great deal from people around me; and discovered so much more about myself!

So, don't feel sad. It's all part of the experience. I may not have a choice whether to have good or bad things happen to me, but I do have a choice how to approach them, both in action and in the mind. The worst one can do to himself/herself is not make a choice, allowing himself/herself to be thrown in all directions, all beaten up. There's an analogy I read about recently:

Imagine you are really hungry and looking at a menu in the restaurant, not knowing what to order. You can keep staring at the menu for hours, starving yourself, or you can go with your gut feeling and pick something that you are likely to enjoy the most, though uncertain now.

Do I seem like the type who stares at the menu for hours? 'Course not. :)

I think 99% of you got my blog URL through Friendster updates. I am deeply sorry for the annoying email notifications Friendster sent you whenever I posted something (hmm...though you do have a choice to deactivate it) - sometimes a few posts in one hour. Hence, I am planning to move my blog to some other public site, possibly only sending the link to closer friends unless someone specifically asks for the new link.

The invisible (Nov 22, 07)

I never quite understand friends or lovers who think they can just disappear from your life and then suddenly re-appear, like you wouldn't notice. Sort of like kids skipping class, hoping the teacher wouldn't notice a student missing. (Sure I've disappeared on people before, but those were mostly jerks so that didn't count!) I mean, they just re-appear...sneak back into the room... and go "hey plans for dinner?" like nothing happened. Excuse me, but ... where were you when I was in the emergency room, my car broke down, boyfriend left me, dog ran away, flat got flooded? Or when I won the lottery, had my birthday, a new home, a promotion? Or when the sky was blue, sun was shining? Where the hell were you?

Phewwwwwwww out of my system! Gnite!

New Home (Nov 22, 07)

Each day I enter and leave my flat, I miss it more. I have up to one month to find a new home and I know I can't delay the inevitable. Yes, it makes me sad knowing we have to part anytime within a week, two weeks, or a month - yet part of me is also looking forward to a new home, hoping it will be a happy beginning.....

When am I going to find it?
Where is it going to be?
Further up the slope or down?
Closer to the main street or further away?
Will it bright and airy?
Nice and cheerful?
Will I be able to see the clear blue sky on a beautiful Sunday morning?
Will I be able to see the stars at night..... The puppy star? The wormy wriggly star?
Will I be able to see the full moon?
Will it be so cozy I can pass out in bed the whole weekend without feeling guilty?
Will I be able to wake up in the morning hearing birds singing?
Will the shower temperature be just warm enough for winter, cool enough for summer?
Will the kitchen counter be big enough for me to make a messy caipirinha?
Will the living room be long enough for me to do my ballet twirls, and, (ha!) 5Rs?
And the sun!!!!! Will there be so much sunlight I can get a tan lying on the floor?